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rhg1084 · Apr 30, 2012, 09:15 AM

Hello,

I am not one for blogs or posting on message boards but I am in a bad state right now and need to vent. Here's my story. I started dating her in the spring of 2007. We met at college, however I was gradutating and she was finishing her freshman year (I was 22, she 19). She was the FIRST girlfriend I have ever had and only intimate person I have ever been with.

The feeling I had for her when we first started dating was the most incredible feeling I have ever had in my entire life. She was CRAZY about me and I loved her so much as well. She was also incredibly beautiful in my eyes, and out of my league in my opinion. I got a good full time job right after I graduated and was making a decent salary at the time while she was still in school. I did everything for her, we went on about 6 vacations over a span of those 5 years, bought her nice jewelry for birthdays, Christmas, anniversarys, took her to concerts. You name it, and we did it. We were having the best time.

Now - I made mistakes during this time. A couple of times when I went out with friends to bars I would stray. I would just make out with other girls, nothing more. It wasn't a lot, a few times. I always felt terrible about myself after this had happened. At the same time I didn't want to tell her because I was afraid of losing her.

After she graduated college she had a tough time landing a job. She wanted to be a teacher but could not find a job. She was in a bad mind state. She wound up getting a part time job and reconnecting with old girl friends from high school at this job. These friends were losers. I felt that she was too good for these friends. All they cared about was hooking up with guys but would never actually have a relationship. Add to the fact that my girl was 100x better looking than these pigs.

Around this time our relationship started to deteriorate. Because she had crazy work hours (like 12-8) she would be hanging out with the friends during the week. I never thought anything of it (dumb, I know). Anyway I find out she was hooking up with some kid that was in this friends group for a little while (this was last year spring 2011). I was devastated, but at the same time I felt karma had come back to bite me for my indiscretions.

We had these deep talks after this happened and professed our love for each other. I finally admitted to my wrong doings in the past as well to her. We were both very hurt and destroyed. However, at the same time we KNEW that our love was strong and wanted to spend our lives together. At that point we made the decision that we wanted to be with each other and were going to put the past in the rear view mirror.

We had now spent the last year together after all of this happening. It was a good year (I thought). Our love was still there and we were enjoying each others company. However, she still wanted to be with her friends. She was not going to the bars during the week anymore. I still had my issues when she would hang with her friends because I always had bad thoughts in the back of my mind. I guess you can say the trust just wasn't there anymore. I told her I wanted to marry her and she wanted to marry me too.

Now just recently she told me that she doesn't feel a "connection" anymore to me when we are together. She says she still loves me but doesn't know what to do. She didn't say she wanted to break up, but for whatever reason she was not happy. Now me being the paranoid and insecure person that I am couldn't give her space. She was with her friends Friday night and I text her a lot asking where/what she was doing. She didn't answer. We had plans to hang out this past Saturday but that's when she told me she can't be with me anymore and can't marry me (thru text message mind you). I freaked out. I went to her house telling her to look me in the eye and tell me this, because I knew she couldn't do it cause we are still very much in love. Besides saying there "is no connection" she wouldn't give me a reason on why she wasn't happy.

I haven't contacted her since Saturday but I'm going crazy. I love her so much and this was the person I envisioned spending my life with. We even had our children's names picked out. Even if she comes back to me - I don't know what I would do? I never want to feel like I am feeling again. Please help, what should I do?

talaniman · Apr 30, 2012, 09:53 PM

Get your own emotions under control is the first step in being able to choose a course of action.

A break up brings out many feelings that can keep the brain from seeing solutions or the right path to follow, and right now its your own feelings you are struggling with. You have no experience because this is the first experience with a break up.

It sucks I know, but leave her alone and get yourself under control. The last thing you need is to beg, or make a pest of yourself, and compromise your dignity, and self respect. You will need both to get through this.

none12345 · Apr 30, 2012, 10:00 PM

Sounds like your feelings towards this girl has become unhealthy. It seems like you have become "addicted" to her, overprotective and jealous. You will need to step back from the situation and realize that it is not the end of the world if this girl does not remain in your life. What is most important now, should be yourself and you should work towards personal goals instead of being clingy and needy. You ll need to break this unhealthy bond with this girl off and reorient your priorities.

rhg1084 · May 2, 2012, 10:32 AM

Ok so she was having her issues with the relationship for whatever reason. We've been together almost 5 years. We were supposed to hang out and go to the mall. She tells me over the phone to come pick her up at 2. I send her a text like at 11 asking if she had gone to the gym? She responds with I can't see you anymore or marry you. THis was on Saturday. I have been doing NC since Saturday night after I tried to get her to tell me this in person (knew she couldn't do it she says she still loves me). She's called me twice since then, once on Monday I missed her call and called her back she didn't answer. Then once yesterday I answered and she hung up immediately. I text her not to call me anymore cause I am mad at how the whole situaion went down. She wants to be single and in the bars and she doesn't realize what she's throwing away. One day she will wake up and realize what a mistake she made.

mmresd · May 2, 2012, 10:39 AM

Maybe she will realize that, but for now she has made her decision, you need to respect it, stay busy, and start moving on.

talaniman · May 2, 2012, 03:41 PM

Then let her wake up on her own. She isn't ready yet. Ignore her, and leave her alone.

Jimmy78 · May 3, 2012, 08:50 AM

Leave her alone period that all you can do.

emopunk7 · May 3, 2012, 09:57 PM

I've been there. You have to leave it alone for a while. It's the best choice. We wouldn't say it for no reason.

rhg1084 · Jun 1, 2012, 11:10 AM

Its been a little over a month since my ex broke up with me after 5 years. She was my first girlfriend. I still think about her a lot, and she is even haunting me in my dreams now! I have been NC with her this whole time. I didn't even wish her a happy birthday which was on 5/23. That was a big step for me because I had an awesome birthday present for her (bought her Beyonce tix before I got dumped.)

Anyway, how can I know when to start dating again? I feel like if I go on dates now I will still be constantly thinking about her and won't be fair to the girl. Also I hate the fact that I got to start all over again from square one in meeting a new girl. I really don't like going to bars and stuff. Maybe I'll try internet dating. Has anyone have any advice on good websites?

mmresd · Jun 1, 2012, 11:37 AM

Dating whenever you want, no relationship until you are completely over your ex.

C0bra_M3nace · Jun 1, 2012, 11:54 AM

You've done well by no contact but you left out one small detail. Thinking about her, yeah thinking about her violates no contact, and to completely get over her you need to be committed to absolute no contact. Only once you've done that you can begin moving on, how you deal with it is up to you, and moving on is only as hard as you make it. mmresd is 100% right too, dating is fine if it helps you move on. Do not talk about your ex, while dating, and only move into a relationship once you've completely forgotten about your ex.

Best of luck my friend.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2012, 05:38 PM

I highly suggest you spend at least a year making friends and having fun with both male and females, so as to give sufficient time to heal after a five year relationship.

Its very unfair to try and replace one for another and expect anything good to come of it. No hurry, have fun until you are ready. What's the hurry?