[lesmiserables]

I was looking for a takeaway place the other night and his previous history came up, numerous porn sites and nothing else, I work 5 days a week in an office and weekends as a carer, he is unemployed and we have a month to move out of our flat due to lease being up.I look for and view new flats and job search for him and all he does while I'm working is watch porn. When I asked him he said oh how did that get there with a very un convincing puzzled look on his face, I refused to go near him for 2 days and then I just exploded, as I type now I'm in bedroom he in sitting room after an argument about it, every time I bring it up he turns it round to me and bad stuff I've done in the past, last time he accused me of putting it there.

I suffered a still birth 4 years ago and things have been a bit up and down since, he talks about trying again for a baby but how can I with an unemployed man that has no interest in searching for a job or even a place to live. I'm at my wits end now and don't understand why he won't just admit it, apologies and sort I out. I'm hurt, constantly crying, short tempered at work and every time I think about it I want to throw up. I can't bare it any more, the worst is that he knows from day one he got with me 7 years ago now that I hate knowing he's watched porn its just one of those things that I don't agree with.

As I see it being disrespectful to me.I can't deal with this on my own and don't have any friends at all to talk to I feel lost hurt and betrayed by him and have literally nowhere else to turn to . I lay awake last night looking at him wondering if he's dreaming of them and some one with a better body, I have the body of a woman that's had a baby ( if that makes sense) but no baby to show for it. He just keeps turning it around on me and all I want is an explanation and an apology but even if I get that what's to say he won't be more careful deleting his search history next time and that reminds me of all the times I remember his history being empty so this most have been going on a while now.

Please give me some hope 7 years in a relationship is a long time to lose just because he's thinking with his penis and not being a decent man. :-(

[lesmiserables]

Still sitting in bedroom. Hes watching telly. I want to scream and hit him for being so disrespectful. I can't even look at him. Hes always turning it around and trying to make an argument over something I did 4 years ago or 2 years ago I want to talk about the now and what he did ( well what he got caught doing) only 2 days ago now. I'm ssssoooooo hurt I can't stop crying . What's so wrong with me that he has to watch it behind my back while I'm out supporting us and then to deny it. Has he no shame... I work all day . Go food shopping. Then walk the dog. Then cook dinner . Clean up do washing have a quick shower and practically pass out . But when he does nothing to help I can't help but be tired
And worn out. So he can't use that as an excuse.
He just came in the room asking if I'm going to get up but I said I wanted some alone time and he had the audacity to say that's what he wants too. So I just screamed at him saying he has enough alone time while I'm working everyday and he just calls me names. Now again I'm crying and over something so stupid . Porn! I can't believe he can't just not watch it and apologies but to be honest right now I couldn't care less about an apology because I'm just so angry with him

[none12345]

This doesn't sound like how a relationship should be. Why are you still with him?

[lesmiserables]

I love him more than anything. We've been through so much together and hoped that as time went on after the death of our baby things would sink into place but he has lost his way and only gotten worse. Don't get me wrong, we can go weeks without even a little argument but then all of a sudden it all gets too much and we start to fight again. He told me about 2 weeks ago he felt useless by not providing and I can understand that but if he feels so useless why doesn't he try harder? I don't know the answers anymore

[Fr_Chuck]

It is the fact he is not out looking for a job that I will assume you are most mad about, men look at porn, some more than others, and merely him looking at porn should not be the issue. Doing it, instead of things that need to be done is the issue.

Would that be a better desciption of it? So why not address with him the real issue, don't fight about him watching porn, since it has nothing to do with you, address his looking for a flat, or looking for a job, That is the real issue here.

[lesmiserables]

Yea I guess so. In a way I feel bad as well when I have a go at him because I know hell just be sitting in this flat tomorrow all by himself with no friends to talk to and nothing to do but on the same side ill be at work wondering what he's up to. Its more complicated in reality . Hes just come in with a bowl of food because I didn't cook anything tonight and I know he's doing it because he cares and wants to be nice but one bowl of food isn't going to solve the issues we are having. I hate arguing I'm a happy person well I used to be well to be honest
We were both happier until the baby died and then we drifted apart and got closer and now drifting apart again. I guess maybe I should look at this with fresh eyes in the morning.

[talaniman]

The issue isn't the porn, but him not being able to get a job I think, and having to move from your home. I feel his frustration and depending on where you are, and his skill set, finding a job is a huge challenge for anyone right now.

Half the applicants here have to be employed already just to apply to new openings. Forgive the porn, I mean what would you expect of a guy who cannot regain his male pride, and identity, and has isolated himself so much, for so long.

I think some adjustments in his approach to getting a job is a better focus than the porn, and after 7 years you will calm yourself enough eventually from your shock to see that. Maybe it's a better thing to invest in new skills or certifications to be more employable, rather than looking cold for openings, but the idea is a strategy of positive activity to restore confidence and motivate hope. You can play a role in this as he has quit looking, probably after trying his best and has fallen in to the quick fix of feel good to combat his isolation, and disappointments, and frustration.

When you take it personally, without recognizing the root cause of too much time on his hands, you cannot help with solutions to the real problem. If all you see are porn, and a guy who isn't trying hard enough to get work, you miss the point entirely.

Obviously he needs guidance to better options and that's something you both can address. I think you will, when you get over your own anger, and frustrations, and can talk. It's a challenging time for us all my dear, and you have to rise to it.