[Sammybaby143]

We have been together for almost four years. About 6 months into our relationship, we started having sex and it was great! But then we had a pregnancy scare and we agreed to wait until we were married and I was able to get on birth control. We're both 21 now, and our relationship is wonderful, even without the sex. In a lot of ways, I feel that not having sex strengthened our relationship and made us appreciate each other more. He's amazing and sweet, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He has his flaws, but it makes me love him even more. We've planned on getting married our entire relationship and last year, he finally proposed. We've set the date for October of this year. But in the last couple of months, I feel like we've lost our spark. I feel like a "best friend" and not a "girlfriend." I felt we needed more intimacy. So I began to raise the question of having sex. We're getting married in a few months, so why wait? I'm on birth control, we can use condoms as a back up, and everything will be fine. But he is NOT interested AT ALL. I've tried multiple ways to entice him but he said he's just not comfortable with it. So I sat down with him and tried to explain that I didn't just want sex. I explained that it's more the intimacy I want. After discussing it for about 3 months, he finally agreed, but something felt off. He seemed very abrupt about it, and it threw me off, but he was looking at me expectantly. Then he went off about how he just wanted to get in and get it done, no foreplay, no playing, etc. I was shocked because foreplay was never a problem before. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it. I was nervous about having sex without foreplay, since it had been so long since having sex, and I told him it would hurt me. He only said, "That's the offer. Take it or leave it." I did my best to get turned on just through kissing, but when he tried to penetrate, it was extremely painful and I couldn't help but jerk back a little. He got frustrated and said we'd try another day. I was humiliated and upset, but he said we could try again. I did research on how to loosen up a little without him performing foreplay and spent a whole day before he got home making sure I would be loose enough and ready for him. But when I tried to initiate it, he just said no, that he wasn't in the mood. After three years of no sex you're not in the mood? I assured him it would be easier, that I had made sure it wouldn't hurt me and he just wouldn't do it. I was upset because I realized that when he said we could try again, he didn't really mean it. He often says that he feels as if he's not good enough to be with me, that he hates himself for some of the things he does. My heart hurts for him and his pain, but I don't understand why that should stop him from making love to me. I worry that it's because I've gained so much weight since high school. I'm not fat by any means, but I'm not the tan, tone, 120 lb girl I was. I know I'm not unattractive, I've been told my whole life that I'm pretty, but I'm beginning to feel that the thought of sex with me is repulsive to him. I worry that I'm making the wrong decision in marrying him, especially when he told me that he feels pressured to marry me. I don't want to marry someone who A) Can't get over his hate of himself, B) Doesn't really want to marry me, and C) Won't have sex with me/ is repulsed by sex with me/ isn't sexually compatible with me. I guess I just need to know if there's anything I can do to fix this aspect of our relationship. He is not a selfish guy, nor a mean one. I don't want to leave him, especially since we've made so many plans and have been together so long. I truly love this man (and I know he loves me and fears losing me), and it hurts to think that he doesn't want to be with me, through marriage or sex. Am I the only one having this problem? Is the problem me?

[DaniCalifornia]

I can understand why you missed the intimacy you both agreed to give up, but you don't have to give it up entirely. However it looks as though romance has disappeared in your relationship!

Why does he just want it to be quickly? The whole POINT of sex is the closeness, the intimacy, and the connection with the other person. Foreplay is crucial! This is very selfish of him.

x Dani