[LadySam]

Hi all, I have a pretty tough situation on my hands right now and am open to input here. I hope to get a few different perspectives than my own, perhaps even opening myself up to criticism.

The relationship between me Father and myself has always been quite strained. There have been many instances in the past that have made it worse or at least kept it at a even level of tenseness. With all of my Fathers good qualities, he is also a very difficult person to deal with. We as his family know this others have no idea. Don't get me wrong I love him and have plenty of respect for him, but not for some of his views, or the ways he has treated me in some pretty touchy situations.

This question deals also with my daughter, which is why this is doubly hard for me, because he is now treating her like she doesn't exist.

To the incident: my sister and I were talking about a subject that is all over the news right now, when he interjected his input, rather loudly and with a menacing tone. It just escalated from there and nothing was solved or discussed with any semblance of decorum.
I tried to remain calm, but that was difficult when being yelled at and talked over, because I was obviously wrong and my opinion held no value. It ended with him saying "well you just go on somewhere then" and me saying "that is what I am doing" and I left.

Now to the underlying problem: My grandson is bi-racial, and you have probably guessed what the conversation was about. Needless to say our opinions were as different as night and day. He has not spoken to my daughter for an entire year, he has never once touched his great-grandchild. I was hoping and praying that after some time of looking at that sweet little face, he would accept him. He is an innocent child. I don't expect him to change at this point in his life. He has done some pretty hurtful things in the past, but looking across the room at him while he glared at my child and sit stone-faced while we laughed at my grandson making his monster noises was a little more than I could bear, again. And some of this came out, somewhat in our back and forth. Thankfully my daughter had already left and didn't have to hear any of it.

I did apologize to my Mother for letting myself get out of hand and she understood. She has even voiced her fear to me that my daughter will soon grow so tired of this that she will quit coming around. She loves my child and adores the baby.

So my question is two part,
1-How does my daughter continue to have a normal relationship with her Grandmother with the imposing attitude from him?
2-While I know my relationship is worth salvaging with my Dad I simply don't know how to do that at this point with someone who does not allow me to have a point of view or opinion about anything.

We simply cannot talk because he sees no fault on his part. I do at least own my part of the argument and feel terrible about the route it took. I know he will not go to any type of counseling.

Sorry this got so long, I tried to keep it short, but there are so many wounded feelings here that I just don't know what to do anymore.
And while my Dad has his ways, he is a good person, I am not trying to make him look bad, it's just that this is painful for me and my daughter.

[talaniman]

So my question is two part,
1-How does my daughter continue to have a normal relationship with her Grandmother with the imposing attitude from him?

How old is your daughter? Not to minimize or dismiss your fears, or concerns but I think she is the one to define how she handles her own relationships with both your mom, and your dad.

Frankly, I would follow her lead. You raised her, so trust her judgement in this.

2-While I know my relationship is worth salvaging with my Dad I simply don't know how to do that at this point with someone who does not allow me to have a point of view or opinion about anything.

Build on things you agree on, and don't push his buttons, and ALL daughters know what buttons to push, as do ALL grand daughters too. Have some faith in the judgements of others, where it concerns your dad.

[LadySam]

Thanks Talaniman,
My daughter is 21 and I agree that she must define the relationships.
I would never try to influence her negatively in this, simply try to help her out all I can.
But knowing how I cherished my relationship with my Grandmother when my children were small, it pains me that this emotional block is present for her while hers son is small.
And the fact that some years back his attitude and actions related to something that happened to her were not very Grandfatherly and it hurt her deeply doesn't help the situation.
She keeps her feelings about that and this bottled up and says nothing to anyone but me.

As far as buttons go, it just seems to be a really big button.
And I don't think anyone tries to push any buttons, as a matter of fact, I pretty much keep my mouth shut, because I will at the age of 48 get properly put in my place.
I was raised with the idea that children should be seen and not heard, but am no longer a child and have my own thoughts and my own voice.
I have lived for years stifling my emotions, and words around him to avoid conflict.
There is just so much more going on underneath the surface, but if we can't talk then we can't resolve it.
I do realize that parts of his personality are a product of the era and location of his upbringing, it just seems that he is unable or unwilling to give an inch, even at the risk of his family and that saddens me.
I love him and even though his words and actions have hurt me in years past, I was willing to suppress all that. But now my child is affected and while she made her choices and has to live with them, it is no less concerning to me.
Faith and judgements of others: again you are right. Those others would be my Mother and my sister, maybe together we can come to some sort of conclusion.

Thanks so much for your input

[Wondergirl]

I was raised with the idea that children should be seen and not heard, but am no longer a child and have my own thoughts and my own voice.

As long as a parent is still alive, you will always be the child. My mother will be 88 in a few days, and she still scolds me (long distance, whew!) and expects me to be a monument of perfection (I'm the oldest child).

May I ask, where is the baby's father in all this?

[LadySam]

As long as a parent is still alive, you will always be the child. My mother will be 88 in a few days, and she still scolds me (long distance, whew!) and expects me to be a monument of perfection (I'm the oldest child).

May I ask, where is the baby's father in all this?

I get that, and a scolding I would accept without any problem.
The problem is that it goes far past scolding, into bullying if you will.
My Dad can have a very intimidating presence.
He can also be very docile and sweet.

You certainly may ask about baby's father, he is very much in the picture.
My daughter and Grandson live with me, but they are still quite an item.
He is a respectful and kind young man.

[Wondergirl]

I married into a generous and warm, but racist family, so not sure what would happen if a grandchild ever brought home someone non-white. Two of their granddaughters did date guys not white, but it was "excused" because those two girls had been adopted as babies and were not blood relation and actually were "bad seed." So I do understand your situation.

[LadySam]

Sad really, isn't it?
A few years ago my Father went through 3 surgeries to remove a malignant mass from his colon. So I know the fear of what could happen. As I'm sure he does.
That fear and nothing being settled bothers me.
Thanks for understanding.

[LadySam]

I just reread my own post and realized something that I didn't want to.
I'm harboring quite a bit of resentment for things that happened years ago and some more recent.
And the only person I can truly and definitely help is myself, some counseling for me may be in order. I have to forgive before it is too late and I regret things, right?
I know he would never go with me, but if I can learn to deal with this properly maybe there will be some improvement.
Besides, this is unfair to my Mother, she hasn't done anything hurtful,
Thanks guys, getting this off my my chest has been helpful in itself.

[Wondergirl]

Thanks guys, getting this off my my chest has been helpful in itself.

That's what my clients often say to me -- "It's been so great to talk about this with someone. I feel so much better, like a load has been lifted off my shoulders."

I guess that's why it's called "talk therapy."