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talaniman · Mar 21, 2007, 03:43 PM

It is amazing how crisis situations bring things out we didn't know before. You are seeing things in her now, that you could not a while ago. No telling how long she has been playing games, but now that your eyes are open and your free of her control, keep it that way and just leave her alone. She'll get the message and no further contact from you is needed nor recommended.

amy99roo · Mar 21, 2007, 06:06 PM

Trust me... keep up the NC. I just got/getting out of a mess with a guy who asked for space at the end and then called me all the time and fed me massive amounts of mixed signals. Things went from bad to worse because I couldn't understand what was going on. It continued for MONTHS, until he met someone else. He was in complete control of the situation and he knew it. Huge ego boost. I honestly thought he cared about me. Just beware!

talaniman · Mar 22, 2007, 05:36 AM

You ponder on the ex way too much, because it doesn't matter what she is doing, and who she is doing it with.

Reread all the other posts you have written here and learn from the answers you have gotten already.

X-stream87 · Mar 22, 2007, 06:59 AM

I think you really need to establish I full blown no contact here. No phone calls, if you have her on MSN get rid of her, if you both have myspace or some other type communication tool where you can easily see where she is or communciate with her then get rid of it.

Unfortunately she is moving on even if this is just a rebound and you need to start doing the same don't nescessarily get into a rebound relationship but do something completely different from what you did when you where with her I know you will still think about her almost constantly and the guy she is interested in, but slowly aslong as you stick to no contact these thoughts of her will become less and less frequent and sure you might bump into her from time to time but just give a polite hello and leave it at that

This is the best advice I can give you as it is working for me so far in my break up and I hope it helps you to.

sypher373 · Mar 22, 2007, 07:10 AM

Yeah,

I found myself checking the damn myspace page too frequently and seeing things that would upset myself. I knew I probably wouldn't want to see them, but I looked anyway. Needless to say, these last two days have been pretty miserable. Since then, I deleted my myspace account, and I am doing my best to keep no contact.

Your right, I do think about her constantly, and who she's interested in. Im doing everything to convince myself to stop thinking about her, but it's a lot easier said then done.

X-stream87 · Mar 22, 2007, 07:23 AM

Believe me I understand but in time very slowly you will start to heal aslong as you maintain no contact, getting rid of myspace was a good idea that will really help out trust me, and do be surprised if you begin to experience different emotions one day you may feel great the next you may feel so angry to point that you want to put your fist through the wall, and then next you might feel like someone just killed your dog, a breakup is full of emotions but aslong as you don't act upon them and stick to no contact no matter how badly somedays you might want to talk to her then you will begin to feel better and like I said it won't be right away I'm about four to five months out of my relationship and I'm still recovering so it all just takes time but trust me you will being to feel better.

Best of luck buddy.

Wildcat21 · Mar 22, 2007, 08:20 AM

Dude - you really neede to work on yourself. You need to learn about women.

No women wants a needy - jealous boyfriend.

MYSpace destroys relationships. Believe me - seen it over and over.

You put WAY too much importance in a women you never were going gto be with. They are part of your life - not your life - you put too much importance into someone and they will be repulsed and leave.

I might suggest a counseler - today. You really need a pro to help you through this. Making a new post hear every day won't help.

BlazingCold · Mar 22, 2007, 08:26 AM

Forget about her. It's that simple, although very difficult to put into practice.

No contact will help you immensely.

Stunning07 · Mar 22, 2007, 10:23 AM

man don't worry my x girl of two years we just broke up and she had someone else on the side she's talking to it realli didt hurt me I'm more on ease now knowiing she's moving on.. let her be don't stress the guy he is a rebound... keep up NC... later on become friends build your way up if you still feel the same... about myspace.. don't get rid of it... don't move her from your top... I think. If you do it will show how weak you are w.out her and she will think your so immature for doing that... let her be.. if she loves you she'll come around

talaniman · Mar 22, 2007, 01:22 PM

about myspace.. don't get rid of it... don't move her from your top... I think. If you do it will show how weak you are w.out her and she will think your so immature for doing that... let her be.. if she loves you she'll come around

Do whatever you have to to keep no contact as it doesn't matter what she thinks at this point, what is important is you heal and move on.

sypher373 · Mar 22, 2007, 01:46 PM

Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it.

I feel like I finally realized something today... maybe its just the mood I'm in.

I have definitely realized that my mood swings like crazy, angry one minute, depressed the next, denial, desperation... its like a vicious cycle. Well, as of now I feel like I am in quite a rational mood.

I am starting to be able to push thoughts of her out of my mind when they begin to appear, and that helps a lot. Keeping busy by giong to the gym has helped me a lot too (good advice). In my head I knew that going No Contact was not to bring her back, however my heart felt different, though I'm over that now.

For now, I can see clearly that this is over... I still want a friendship in the future, but in my head I realize thinking of that is only slowing me down. I need to move on, and deal with those things in the future.

Wildcat - One thing you said in an old post (to GeoffersonAirplane I believe) seems to sum up how I am feeling right now... ""I know for a fact it's EASY to know what to do - but very hard to act properly.""

Thanks again for all the advice, Im doing my best to understand the panic and the anxeity are all just a phase, and they come and go. Only time will heal those wounds.

MrsDead · Mar 23, 2007, 02:05 PM

Maybe jealousy. Summit like that

TrueFaith · Mar 23, 2007, 02:18 PM

Its all normaly man :) I mean wow we have all been there my friend... if I had it my way all my Xs would be painful upset and depresst with out me :) never moving on!. but sadly I know that's not true I guess the best thing is to not even think about it. Or try this.. try thinking about all the bad points that she has.. and think of what the new guy has to put up with! And think of the poor guy when she leaves him..

talaniman · Mar 24, 2007, 09:56 AM

Your thoughts are normal, but it is something you can control by staying busy building a life without her. Don't dwell on her, thats torture, so get a plan that every time she pops in your head have something else to focus on.

sypher373 · Mar 26, 2007, 09:08 PM

Hey guys,

Its been a few days since I posted, and I have a serious question.

I am doing my best to not talk to my ex at all, since she told me that she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that she does not feel for me as she used to, as well as the fact that she has feelings for someone else and does not feel it is fair to be dating me while she has feelings for someone else. She has also told me she still has feelings for me, and is not looking for a relationship with anyone right now.

My question is this: I have noticed that I seem to be obcessed with her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and I constantly worry that she is "hooking up" or pursuing a relationship with this kid. She has sworn to me this is not true, and I believe her as she also tells me she still has feelings for me and wants to maintain a strong friendship. I know that NC is necessary for this...

Anyway, my issue is that I am scared that I don't seem to be getting better. I have spent the good part of days sick to my stomach thinking about it over and over and over again. I have tried everything I can to keep busy, going to events at school, playing cards, going to the gym everyday, watching TV and movies. Nothing seems to help, as I spend a lot of the time while I am doing these things thinking about her. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I have also noticed that tiny things will set me off. For example, she sent me a message on the internet, just saying goodnight and hope all is well. We have a good friendly relationship, and are trying to keep that without talking so much... Anyway, she sent me the message, and I missed it, and then responded later to say goodnight. Her away messaged was simply... "Goodnight :)". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out because my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As I write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit.

Upon reading the simple message, I broke down. I was in tears with worry about it, and I did not know how to handle it. I am so afraid that even though I am giving it time, I am not going to get over it.

Is this normal, or is it possible that I need professional help. I am worried that I will not be able to handle this on my own, and I am starting to question my mental health. I know it is a traumatic experience, but I should be better than this almost a two months after the breakup. There is a counseling center at my school which I am seriously considering going to soon. Im very scared

Somebody help me :(

Skell · Mar 26, 2007, 09:31 PM

Its normal to have these feelings immediately after a break up but I don't think you are doing yourself any favours as far as getting over it.

You really need to cut all contact with her. Sadly you can't keep the friendly relationship going. It will tear you to shreds with worry. It is okay for her because she has already detached herself from you emotionally with respect to the relationship. She doesn't sit at home wondering what your up to and if your with anyone else. She doesn't really care for that matter.

You really need to cut all forms of contact with her in order to help these thoughts go away. No texts, no emails, no MSN or whatever other forms of contact you have. NONE!!

Listen to me here. I have been through what your going through. Very very similar. I felt all these feelings. I laid there all night worrying and crying and thinking the most insane things that now I look back were never true.

Please give yourself a chance and completely cut contact with her and begin to focus on you.

If you feel it necessary to talk to a therapist or someone about how your feeling then certainly no harm can be done. They may shed a different light on it for you. I'm pretty sure though that they will also advise you that your best therapy now is to remove her from your life and focus on you. I know when I spoke to a counselor that that was there advice.

grammadidi · Mar 26, 2007, 09:32 PM

I believe that one of the reasons that you are still so strongly obsessed with her is because you continue to have contact. You should block her on messenger, email, and phone for sure or you will just continue to feel this way.

Secondly, I think that if YOU feel that your mental health is suffering (I'd be more inclined to say emotional state) then you definitely should seek professional help. If you are concerned that you may not be able to handle this on your own that is good enough reason to find someone to explore this obsession and the reasons you are struggling so much. Pay attention to your inner concerns. It could take a year or more to get past this so you do need to find some way of coping.

She must have fulfilled a need in you that you are not meeting within yourself. Try to see this as a positive thing. It sounds like you weren't ready for a relationship of depth anyhow. Learn how to fulfill your own needs before you try to fulfill someone else's.

Best of luck!

Didi

sypher373 · Mar 26, 2007, 09:49 PM

Thanks for the advice guys,

I know that when I was doing well with No contact in the beginning, I was much much better than I am now. I ended up seeing things on a myspace profile which upset me, and since then I have been a disaster. I have since delted my myspace account, deleted her name on my contact list, though I never told her that she could never talk to me.

Didi, before I was in this relationship, I feel that I was quite complete, and was happy with my life. The problem is that once the relationship started (both of our first loves) we became dependent on each other. It tears me apart to think that she has left me for someone else, even though in all reality this may be not true at all. I think I was okay for the relationship, though once in the relationship I made the mistake of becoming dependent... I made her my life, not part of my life.

Maybe she feels that I am more capable of handling the conversations and friendships than I am. I suppose that I should tell her I cannot handle it, and I need to be completely isolated for a while. I was afraid that letting her know how weak I was would ruin any chance for a friendship/reconciliation. I know now that I need to stop thinking along the lines of getting back together, as it WILL NOT happen. I suppose I am afraid that if I don't remain somehow in her life, she is going to be with someone else, and that thought destroys me inside and out. I know that I need to stop thinking about her altogether, and her being with him, it is just so much easier said than done. I was hopeful that by now I would be on the road to recovery, maybe with the end in sight... and I know I only have myself to blame for contacting her initially.

I just hope that in time this does get better, because as it seems it is not.

At this point, I think I will stop all contact, even the friendly "hope your okay" messages. Every time I hear from her, it just makes me realize how much I miss her. If I still obcess about her and can't stop myself, I think I will see someone.

Thanks again, the insight is definitely appreciated.

mosesgt · Mar 26, 2007, 09:52 PM

Listen to Didi. You definitely need help. When you get physical symptoms two months after an High School break up, then there are problems. No doubt your sleep, energy, & appetite are suffering, as well as the concentration problem you mentioned.
Obsession is a negative emotion. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with your needs. Didi is right. Please hold off on any new relationship until you are in counseling for a good long while. In the mean time, you family doctor or a psychiatrist could prescribe a mild antidepressant to help you with your anxiety & depressive symptoms. Remember to ask about possible side effects, since all medications CAN, but certainly do not allways result in some side effects.
If you are not going to church. That might be a good type of distraction for you now.
God Bless!

sypher373 · Mar 26, 2007, 09:58 PM

Trust me,

I have no intentinos of looking for any other realtionships for a very long time. I still get the feelings of despair, because I had everything I wanted, and I feel like its gone now.

Call me naïve, but I wouldn't classify this as a "typical high school relationship". To be hoenst, the majority of it occurred outside of high school, though it is true this was my first relationship.

Thanks for all the input