[confusedchild8]

I think I have a problem, I am 21 years old & I can't seem to be faithful to any guy, even guys I was with for a long time and I was in love with, I would still cheat on them, without a hesitation and I never felt bad about it... I'm a very sweet and caring person and I don't like hurting people but in a relationship I feel as though I need to be with someone else, I don't know if it's that rush feeling or that I like the excitement of rebelling, or that if I am just so screwed up that I can't commit... I can't figure it out. They don't usually ever figure out that I cheated which makes it even worst but I need to be in a healthy faithful relationship and I can't do it! I love the feeling of doing something wrong, and that scares me that I will never be able to be with anyone... please help!

[mudweiser]

It's in your name "confusedchild".

You are 21 years of age but you don't consider yourself an adult, therefore you do not "act" like an adult and do childish things like well cheat. You are still in a selfish stage in your life-- much like a child.

Sure some people don't cheat at your age but nevertheless they do still have a lot of other things to work on.

At this age you are at the age of discovery. Much like a puppy anything that is shiny and new you want-- it is the excitement-- excitement of a falling in love, first kiss... all the things that follow along with the first stages of a relationship.

You cannot be in a healthy long term relationship right now, simply because you need to grow up. Besides this is the age to go to college and find yourself. Not be tied down with a mate and develop responsibilities that relationships bring.

However, if you find yourself in a relationship, be honest with yourself and your mate. If you find that you want to cheat, don't do it. Doing so tells your current mate "I don't respect you, I don't love you, I do not value you". You cheapen the relationship and yourself.

Your age shouldn't excuse your behavior but it does play a factor.

It's self control.

Imagine yourself sitting at a table where there are countless things from cake to steak to ice cream to pies. Normally people stop at once they are full, now imagine yourself not stopping when you're full. You overeat because there is so much darn yummy food. You end up getting sick, your stomach hurts and you find out that all that food wasn't worth it.

Apply this to relationships. Sure at the time it's enjoyable but in the end you hurt yourself.

[VirtuousPlume]

Embrace the dark side.

Years of therapy would probably cause you to fall back into it from time to time, and many men would consider once unforgivable. Do you want to suffer for years to come? Just lose it, become a bad girl, cheat them and exploit them as much as you can, at least you will be avoiding all hypocrisy with yourself. If you truly wished for a pure relationship you wouldn't do it.

You cheat compulsively to fulfill your deep feeling of inadequacy, and desire to be accepted and loved by everyone. Then do it, polish your lying, get everyone's love, never get caught. Stop trying to be someone you aren't or get professional help to change what you are, if morals are so important to you.

Then again, I remember hearing that someone solved it by dating people only one night and asking them directly exactly how much they liked spending time with them, then never contacting them again. Someone else I know likes to seduce others, but never "conclude" with sex and actual cheating. That may be a way to control it. Just be really slutty and seductive until you make them fall for you, then simply learn to break up with them smoothly.

[mudweiser]

Embrace the dark side.

Years of therapy would probably cause you to fall back into it from time to time, and many men would consider once unforgivable. Do you want to suffer for years to come? Just lose it, become a bad girl, cheat them and exploit them as much as you can, at least you will be avoiding all hypocrisy with yourself. If you truly wished for a pure relationship you wouldn't do it.

You cheat compulsively to fulfill your deep feeling of inadequacy, and desire to be accepted and loved by everyone. Then do it, polish your lying, get everyone's love, never get caught. Stop trying to be someone you aren't or get professional help to change what you are, if morals are so important to you.

Then again, i remember hearing that someone solved it by dating people only one night and asking them directly exactly how much they liked spending time with them, then never contacting them again. Someone else i know likes to seduce others, but never "conclude" with sex and actual cheating. That may be a way to control it. Just be really slutty and seductive until you make them fall for you, then simply learn to break up with them smoothly.

I hope this is sarcasm, if not you shouldn't be allowed to give advice.

[VirtuousPlume]

Well, I hope I'm not violating some rules. I just have yet to see a compulsive cheater being happy trying to change themselves. I figure everyone will give the obvious advice, so I might as well recommend a different approach that I have actually seen having interesting results.

For instance, I am a narcissist, I have the compulsive desire to seduce members of the opposite sex, but I never cheat. I suspect the thread creator operates on a similar twisted desire as my own. In that light, the strategies I suggest provide a method for actual control, and not only "You are a slut, just keep your legs together no matter what happens!"

[mudweiser]

Well, i hope i'm not violating some rules. I just have yet to see a compulsive cheater being happy trying to change themselves. I figure everyone will give the obvious advice, so i might as well recommend a different approach that i have actually seen having interesting results.

The OP is 21-- they have many years of growth and learning. Sure it can become a forever problem but the OP is actually trying to figure out why they do the things they do and it seems as if they do want to change.

For instance, i am a narcissist, i have the compulsive desire to seduce members of the opposite sex, but i never cheat. I suspect the thread creator operates on a similar twisted desire as my own. In that light, the strategies i suggest provide a method for actual control, and not only "You are a slut, just keep your legs together no matter what happens!"

I like being flattered and flirted with. However if you deliberately are seducing someone, that's like giving them the green light-- and in my books if you're looking for it that would constitute as cheating-- emotional cheating.

How would you feel if your mate were to be deliberately seduce another person? And what do you consider as cheating? Once bodies touch in a sexual way (kissing, touching, sex)?

I believe as humans when he have the intention of doing something we plant seeds in our minds, and those seeds grow. So today you say "I never cheat" but tomorrow will be "Just this one time".

Actions become actions as our thoughts and desires grow.

If both parties are okay with being in a open relationship then that's fine-- to each their own.

[VirtuousPlume]

I like being flattered and flirted with. However if you deliberately are seducing someone, that's like giving them the green light-- and in my books if you're looking for it that would constitute as cheating-- emotional cheating.

How would you feel if your mate were to be deliberately seduce another person? And what do you consider as cheating? Once bodies touch in a sexual way (kissing, touching, sex)?

I believe as humans when he have the intention of doing something we plant seeds in our minds, and those seeds grow. So today you say "I never cheat" but tomorrow will be "Just this one time".

Actions become actions as our thoughts and desires grow.

If both parties are okay with being in a open relationship then that's fine-- to each their own.

I will continue this exchange, as I feel it is useful to the thread opener as well:
Emotional cheating entails being attracted to someone else other than your partner. Where does friendship stop and emotional cheating begin? When you start feeling things for them you wouldn't approve in your partner for others.

A compulsive cheater doesn't cheat because they need to love someone else other than one partner. That's why the thread opener is distressed: she wants to love one person, but her desires bring her to cheating. It's because she is drunk on the feeling of being loved. She doesn't really need to feel affection for them, or even to have sex with them, she needs to "feel" the extent of their love for her. Exactly like I do. At no point I feel affection or attraction for those I seduce, if something I despise them.

I believe the Opener's problem is that she receives thrill from the sexual consummation and the act of transgression as well, that she has linked those acts to being demonstrated love. I find it much easier to control and deny sexual urges than to actually control my need to be liked by others, so I'm recommending her to open her eyes to the thrill of manipulating someone's emotions, and to the pleasure of seeing them squirm. To refine her "dark side" to something less harmful to herself and her wishes of loving one person. That requires letting go of a few conventional morals.

I won't ever cheat, because the transgression of manipulating others is exciting enough and the satisfaction of others loving me without any reciprocation from my part fulfills my need to be loved as well.

The "seeds" you talk of are born from contradictions. From denying your desires. You resist the urge for years, until you finally give into it once. Then twice, then more. A human mind can however find solace in giving in to *different* desires. The pleasure of manipulating someone's emotions, once your "taste" is attuned to it, is much higher than cheating once or twice. It's that simple. Selfish, but simple.

[DoulaLC]

confusedchild8... maybe it's as simple as you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship yet. Stop feeling as though you have to stay with one person. It's not required. Date different people. If you don't have an exclusive relationship, you don't have to worry about cheating.

Sooner or later, you might meet someone who causes you to stop feeling the need to keep seeking out others. Some people do sooner than others, some people never do and they are happy to just date whomever they want.

[Cat1864]

Confusedchild, I think you are looking for something and not finding it. A year ago you asked about having feelings for a female friend (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...do-550335.html). I know you said that have always been attracted to males until the feelings for the friend came up. However, I am wondering if perhaps your cheating stems from trying not to acknowledge an attraction to females.

Some people who cheat do so because that is what they expect in a relationship. As you were growing up how did the adults around you behave? Did they have well-adjusted relationships or did they cheat? Was there a lot hurting each other?

I don't think you are a lost cause. I do think it might help for you to talk to a counselor/therapist. I get the impression that you are confused and looking for something. I also think you need to step back from relationships until you understand your needs and wants a bit more. Take some time to examine past relationships and what you were missing in each one.

Work on your relationship with yourself. Make certain you are comfortable and happy being you and that you aren't looking for validation from others. Find ways to make yourself whole so that you aren't searching for someone to fill the voids for you. Expecting others to fill in what you see as missing in your life it is like trying to patch a black hole. The patch gets pulled in and you start looking for a new one.

Good luck.

[DaniCalifornia]

As ridiculous as it sounds, you may find monogamy is not for you. I've met swingers and people in open relationships before, which some people make work. You just have to ensure you know what you're doing. It's a difficult relationship to have.

However, I agree with the others. At our age we have much to learn. We're still growing. It may have something to do with insecurity, or a desire to be needed. You may learn and grow out of it.

x Dani