[kindj]

It's a looooooooonnnnng story, but after about 20 years of struggling with on-again off-again depression, I have recently been given a diagnosis of bipolar. Yeah, I'm totally thrilled (sarcasm). It's coupled with PTSD, which I've known about for years, and just sort of dealt with on my own.

Anyway, I've been given some medication. Actually, "given" is probably the wrong term. I traded $108 of my hard-earned cash for it. In any event, doc says to allow at least a month before the effects are noticeable. At this moment, he might as well have said, "Be patient: by the time you're 193 years old, you'll feel better."

Minutes feel like hours; hours feel like days. There is nowhere, with no one, that I feel relaxed, safe, and happy.

So, what about the meantime? How do I keep the depression at bay (can't take antidepressants anymore--as the bp got worse, the reactions to the antidepressants were hellish, and that's putting it mildly)? How do I push back the complete gut-wrenching, heart breaking, soul-rendering agony of existence? How do I repress the anger, confusion, and frustration? I have no choice--I HAVE to deal with people (and lots of them) in my job.

Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

BTW: yes, I have recently acquired a therapist. I have my doubts about the efficacy of the process, but am willing to try. I had my first appointment recently, and due to the cost of all the doctor appointments and the meds, I cannot see this person once a week, or even once every two weeks. Once a month is even pushing it.

[lemomo]

Oh dear. It is unethical to discuss your diagnosis and give proper (any) advice. However, you need to focus on yourself 100% right now. Stay in. get enough sleep. Don't judge yourself. If you require 12 hours of sleep a day, than take it! Eat properly. Which means, try to cut the sugars and junk. Try to exercise. If you can. It is really hard when your depressed to motivate yourself, but exercise works better than any medication or therapy session.. any form of exercise is highly beneficial! It has almost magical healing powers and deals with any form of depression. Don't beat yourself up if you can't accomplish your goals right now! It's unfortunate you have to work, but, try not to take it home, or take it personally. A lot of people, and maybe even people you deal with at work suffer from various forms of mental illness, including depression, bipolar. And when they are rude, pushy and horrible, remember it's not personal. They too are trying to live their hectic lives. Write in to the forum when you need a boost or pat on the back. You are not alone.. hopefully you are also getting your b-12 vitamins, crucial for depression. Your pharmacist can help you out with which vitamins to take, and won't charge you for the advice!

[kindj]

Thanks. Good stuff.

By the way, I am not too concerned with ethics at the moment, you know?
;)

[LadySam]

I noticed your avatar is a cowboy and a horse, and that you live in Texas. Do you in fact have a horse? I am asking for a reason, not trying to pry.

[Wondergirl]

First, It's not unethical to talk about your own diagnosis. It would be unethical for your doctor or therapist to discuss your situation with enough information so you can be identified by someone.

You really, really need counseling at least twice a week to start, and then eventually go to once a week. Once a month or less doesn't cut the mustard. This brings us to your finding an affordable counselor. Usually there's a township or county number to call for human services. Those counselors work on a sliding scale. Sometimes ministers and priests do counseling for a small fee. When I worked for Catholic Charities (and Lutheran social services was similar), we accepted what you could pay (after asking for a financial statement); I'm guessing it's still that way. A number of counselors will say they charge the usual fee, but if you wheel and deal, they often will do the sliding scale thing or work out something with you.

The main thing is that you want to find someone you are comfortable with and can work with. Nothing is gained if you sit in the counselor's office in a chair for 50 minutes each time and then go home and rant about the stupid counselor.

(Welcome back! I'm CeeBee from AW. I just finished reading a thriller with the Panhandle and Pecos as the setting!)

[kindj]

I noticed your avatar is a cowboy and a horse, and that you live in Texas. Do you in fact have a horse? I am asking for a reason, not trying to pry.

Sadly, not anymore. Moved into town, and the city ordinance department kind of frowns on that.

Too bad. Cheaper'n gasoline anymore.

[LadySam]

I'm sorry about that, I was simply going to say that I have dealt with depression off and on for years myself. I have always had pets, dogs, cats, birds, goats, but for some reason My horse Jake was always a great source of solace for me on a really bad day. I know it sounds silly, but I think that I actually drew from his strength and stability.
It wasn't actual therapy, but it did me good.
I'm inclined to agree with Wondergirl about the counseling being more frequent in the beginning.
When your emotions are out of whack it throws everything a little out of kilter.
I know when my daughter needed counseling that I really could not afford, a few years ago we actually found a great counselor at our womens' shelter. I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. Ask around there should be affordable community centers or even churches that offer counseling.
Take care and I wish you the best of luck.

[lemomo]

I too suffer from ptsd and depression. Of a magnitiude to which I cannot describe. Therapy has not worked for me... Sadly. I can't imagine having the resources to go twice a week. (That's intense) Like I mentioned, exercise, has made the most difference on my moods and overall ability to deal with life. My mother is bipolar... and her depressive swings are black and bitter. When she is able to leave the house, she too likes to go for walks, and always make her feel better.. Personally, I prefer to stay in with an exercise ball.
:Like I said, don't beat yourself up - don't feel you have to follow anybody else's advice - it's just their uninformed opinion after all!
I feel best when I sleep through the bitter times, get as much sunlight as possible, and hang out with my dog. He makes life bearable...
Do you have a pet?
Also, how are you doing today?

[kindj]

UPDATE: As of today, I have been on a "proper" medication for 3 1/2 weeks. It seems to be working to stabilize the radical mood swings and is combatting the depression as well. I know that less than a month is not enough time to get to a theraputic threshold, but even so, it seems to be helping. I worked up from a 1/4 dose per day for two weeks, to a 1/2 dose a day for two weeks. This is to prevent some potentially fatal side effect. Friday starts a full dose every day. Hoping for the best, and it looks good so far!

[Wondergirl]

Yay for kindj!! I'm so happy to hear that! Are you comfortable telling us which med you are taking?

[kindj]

Yay for kindj!!!!!! I'm so happy to hear that! Are you comfortable telling us which med you are taking?

Hell, I don't care. Got to look it up first. Hang on... OK, found it!

It's Lamotrigine, the generic of Lamictal.

Apparently, it started life as an anti-convulsant, and some doc somewhere figgered out that it has a beneficial effect on the mood swings of bipolar, and somehow combats the depression, as well. Double win!

[LadySam]

That's good news, glad to hear it.
How abut counseling? If I may ask, but it's your business if you'd rather not say, I understand.

[kindj]

Eh, working on it. The guy I started with thinks WAY too differently than I do. Nice guy, but there's a HUGE disconnect there that I don't think can be overcome.

Got another guy that I sort of know from earlier in life. I trust him, and we think enough alike that he gets what I'm saying and I get him, but differently enough to offer another perspective or whatever.

[LadySam]

Good that you found someone that you can relate to and still get the different perspective.
Sounds like you'll do just fine.