[cazasomb18]

[B][B]I don't know if this will help any, and I've never given this sort of online q.a. format a chance, so I figured I'd try it, because I'm desperate for advice. So here it goes.

Ok, first of all, I'm a very very open person. I have no problem telling complete strangers what's on my mind, so communication with a friends isn't a problem for me. The problem I've found, with communication, is that in speaking about this I appear to be whiney/weak, and overall I just don't want to bore my friends with the topic anymore.

Anyway... the situation:
Basically two summers ago I started seeing this beautiful girl, my dream girl, and we clicked instantly. She had a boyfriend at the time, who actually had proposed to her, but she gave all of that up for me. Before we started dating we were friends, not very close friends, but friends none the less.

For the first 3 months, it felt like heaven. I was addicted to her and she was addicted to me. We fell for each other fast and hard, and it was almost alarming. Then, when winter rolled around we started having differences. I started trying to put my foot down on some unreasonable demands she used to make of me, and that caused a few issues, but nothing major. Basically I was sticking up for myself, while still giving myself fully to her.

Then as spring rolled around, things got worse. I made two really bad mistakes that led up to our official break up. First incident: One of my good friends from high school, who I hadn't seen in a long time was visiting... we went out on February 13th, I got way too drunk, and spent most all of Valentine's Day (the next day) with alcohol poisoning. She was not pleased because I had done this several times before, and the excuse, "I was drunk baby." wasn't cutting it any longer. Second incident (final straw): I was partying with my roommate (very hard over the course of a weekend) for his 21st b-day. I didn't get home to retrieve my phone, consequentelly it died. While this was happening, the girl, was away on business at the time, and was very very ill, and since I didn't answer the phone that was the final straw for her.

Immediately after we broke she started seeing other people. She is a very very very pretty girl, and a triple threat (a college track star, model and dancer). The point I'm trying to make is that she can pretty much have anyone she wants, but I believe that these "flings" now were to get over me.

Keep in mind that the official date of us breaking up was back in February of 2006 (about a year ago). Even now, a year later, I can't get her out of my mind and I'm absolutely destroying myself psychologically and physically.

After we broke up, we still casually dated with lots of sex... which I now realize was a terrible idea, and only kept me holding onto false hopes longer. Over the summer of 2006 I started seeing someone else. Casually, nothing serious, and that seemed to help, until I realized this other girl was a psychopath and that I hated her (don't ask).

The next milestone occurred last fall. For my 21st party, my ex came, and we were very close, closer than we had been in a while. She told me that night that after we get out of college that she wants to try us again. So, this got me back on her bandwagon, and it's only gotten worse ever since.

She found someone else that's serious, and I can't stop talking to her, or attempting to contact her. I text her every now and then, but never on the phone or anything. Every time I run into her I get dizzy and lightheaded and sometimes even start shaking.

Her new boyfriend was a very close friend of hers while we were dating, and I can't help but think that she cheated on me. Her new boyfriend is also a total psychopath, and has threatened me on several occasions. I don't know if he's threatened by me or if maybe I hooked up with her while they were together or what (I don't know exactly when they started seeing each other).

I know I'm young, so I'm hoping to get advice from older more experienced people. This is tearing my entire life apart, still to this day. I miss work a lot, I'm taking a bunch of time off school, my grades have dropped to a pathedic level and I don't take care of myself. I party now more than ever (drinking about 4 times a week, each time blacking out or close to it), and last night I almost overdosed on cocaine.

I woke up today, happy to be alive, but still empty. I don't get why me, and why she can't just love me again, or why anyone for that matter can't. I used to have all kinds of confidence with women, way before her. I am a very attractive, intelligent and independent person, but I believe that no one desires me, and that it's all hopeless. I often think about killing myself, but know I lack the courage to do so... I guess that's what my cocaine binge was about last night.

I used to be a college DI distance runner, and I constantly smoke and hardly ever work out. I drink and do drugs almost daily, and I lean on them as a bit of an emotional crutch. I can't afford professional help, and I can't tell my parents about everything because they will have me pulled out of school, and then my entire life will be over. Someone please help me. I know that we only saw each other for 9 months, but this is the first serious relationship I've ever had in my life. Someone please help, I don't know how to deal with this.

[chuff]

She had a boyfriend at the time, who actually had proposed to her, but she gave all of that up for me.

In the rest of your post you go on to tell us what a great girl this is. This line was all I needed to see she isn’t quite what you made her out to be. She’s a cheater. She’s a user. And she can’t be trusted.

I think you’ve built her up so much in your mind that you have failed to see her faults. You described some mistakes you made but that’s not to say she’s perfect. She’s far from it. She cheated on her ex with you so you know she’s capable to doing that to you and perhaps she did.

You’ve given her far more value then she’s worth.

Immediately after we broke she started seeing other people. She is a very very very pretty girl, and a triple threat (a college track star, model and dancer). The point I'm trying to make is that she can pretty much have anyone she wants, but I believe that these "flings" now were to get over me.

Wow she’s good looking. Big deal. So was Anna Nicole Smith and now she’s dead. There’s someone that could have had anyone she wanted too but look at the way she lived her life and the way she died. Being able to have anyone you want means absolutely nothing if your not true to yourself and happy with who you are.

Keep in mind that the official date of us breaking up was back in February of 2006 (about a year ago). Even now, a year later, I can't get her out of my mind and I'm absolutely destroying myself psychologically and physically.

It was a year ago you broke up. But you’ve never actually let her go. Big difference. As you say you still see her, you still sleep with her, and you hold on to her words of a future relationship. Of course your still thinking about her. You’ve got to let go and by that I mean get her out of your life.

Her new boyfriend was a very close friend of hers while we were dating, and I can't help but think that she cheated on me.

I can’t help but think it either since she’s a known cheater. That’s a blessing for you. You know this in advance.

Her new boyfriend is also a total psychopath, and has threatened me on several occasions. I don't know if he's threatened by me or if maybe I hooked up with her while they were together or what (I don't know exactly when they started seeing each other).

So her new boyfriend also knows she’s a cheater.

I know I'm young, so I'm hoping to get advice from older more experienced people. This is tearing my entire life apart, still to this day. I miss work a lot, I'm taking a bunch of time off school, my grades have dropped to a pathedic level and I don't take care of myself. I party now more than ever (drinking about 4 times a week, each time blacking out or close to it), and last night I almost overdosed on cocaine.

I woke up today, happy to be alive, but still empty. I don't get why me, and why she can't just love me again, or why anyone for that matter can't. I used to have all kinds of confidence with women, way before her. I am a very attractive, intelligent and independent person, but I believe that no one desires me, and that it's all hopeless. I often think about killing myself, but know I lack the courage to do so... I guess that's what my cocaine binge was about last night.

I used to be a college DI distance runner, and I constantly smoke and hardly ever work out. I drink and do drugs almost daily, and I lean on them as a bit of an emotional crutch. I can't afford professional help, and I can't tell my parents about everything because they will have me pulled out of school, and then my entire life will be over. Someone please help me. I know that we only saw each other for 9 months, but this is the first serious relationship I've ever had in my life. Someone please help, I don't know how to deal with this.

With all due respect I understand some parents can be difficult to talk to but if you were my child I'd want to know this. Not because I'd be upset with you but because I'd be interested in saving your life. If you ODing on coke your life is in danger. I work with a girl who watched two people die in front of her ODing on coke. She quit that very moment. She did not need a 12 step. Granted you didn't see this or know these people but I hope you realize death is the result if you keep this up. Perhaps you do need a 12 step. I bet your parents would rather help you now then bury you later. In fact I'm positive of it.

To answer your question about why anybody can’t love you. Well they can but you must step up and love yourself. You must clean yourself up and quit drugs and quit drinking. You said yourself you know those are masks to the problem. So you already know. You’ve already taken the first step. I’d bet this problem goes beyond the little miss cheater. I think that situation happened and now you can use it as an excuse or a crutch to tackle a much deeper problem.

[LBP]

It really isn't so hard to cut her out of your life, my friend... Take it a day at a time - pump yourself up for being strong enough to do it! ERASE HER! She's dead to you.

Trust me, there are people here who know what you're talking about, me especially. I dated a girl who was rich, beautiful, popular, could speak three languages, was a dancer and a runner (only occational model) and just generally wonderful... she dumped me and I had my troubles... I never had it so bad as you appear to, but when push finally came to shove I took facts for facts and haven't talked to her in quite a while... And I don't intend to change my ways, not now, probably not ever!

If I can do it (and I'm no prize chicken), surely, you can too!

[cazasomb18]

Thanks guys, I know that post was hurried and a little unclear, so just let me elucidate a few things if I could.

I didn't mention my ex's beauty to try and impress anyone. I live in a trendy area in Chicago. I see beautiful women everyday use everything they physically have to take advantage of others, and I am wise to it. I was just trying to illustrate how easy it was for her to get over me, because she had a hard time with it as well. She just recovered faster because she had the abliity to immediately fill that void.

Concerning my parents:
My parents and I have a very open and great relationship, and they're great counselors and mentors. I have no problem opening up to them about anything... except drugs. That is a touchy subject with them because I have a history of what they called "drug abuse". Of course they want to help me, and of course they would be interested in saving my life, but their cure for anything drug related is me going back to the ranch on Indiana, and refusing to pay for any further college education. I have my own life, job, neighborhood and connections here in Chicago, and going back home would be one of the worst things for me. There is no opportunity or hope in that town. I mean, I went away to boarding school when I was 14 because I WANTED to.

My Questions:
What's the first step to stoping my habits? I'm in college, I'm young and I really don't know anyone here who doesn't enjoy going out and hitting the bars on the weekends.

Should I just assume that this girl did cheat on me and use that as fuel to try to erase her? Is it safe to assume things, when there's no proof, just to make yourself feel better?

Also, I have tried to start over. I have received interest from a several girls but in all honesty, I can't stand them. Everyone bores me. The second someone is interesting to me, and I get to know them there's always something that turns me off. Am I being too picky? Am I unwilling to compromise with others? Or am I just a bitter jerk that got his heart broken? I live in a city with three million people in it, and I keep on meeting same damn people, over and over again and it's really really old.

[LBP]

Buddy... She's a cheater. She cheated on you. LIKE A FREAKING YEAR AGO ALL READY!

Do you really think she'd be attracted to a strung out, obsessed druggie who's in bad shape and lies to his parents as well as himself?

I'm not kidding, man! Remember when you used to love yourself - you know, before you met this girl? Holy crap... Get out there and shake things up a little bit! Maybe it would be best if you just got the hell out of Chicago and did something entirely different for a while. It's not exactly the best city when it comes to avoiding intoxicants, which I might add are probably a very key factor in keeping you locked so resolutely in the past.

I know you have college, but jesus... Snorting blow and drinking until you blackout every damn night? You're young! Use it or lose it! Come to California and learn how to surf or something!

[talaniman]

Your first order of business is leave the drugs alone. You don't need a crutch to get through life, and you can be happy and have fun without the dope. This alone will make decisions easier to come to, and the right things will be easier to do. Then you can concentrate on school, and put these feelings for a back and forth female in its proper perspective. Seldom do we make the same choices when we are under the influence, as when we have a clear mind.

[s_cianci]

You say you can't afford professional help but you need to find a way to afford it. What about at your campus? A lot of college campuses offer free student counseling services. You ought to consider looking into that. I can't help but wonder if there's more going on here than just a broken relationship. I think there's more issues involved that have driven you to the point of abusing drugs and alcohol and nearly flunking out of school. I doubt that one woman, no matter how attractive, would drive you to all of this, especially if you really are the "intelligent, attractive, independent person" you describe yourself as. If that's the case than you should be as popular as this girl is and therefore have no trouble finding dates/companionship. Keep in mind that this sort of drama is common when dating an attractive, popular young woman who's used to receiving lots of attention from people. Regardless, I feel that you should speak to a professional, even if it's just calling a mental health 800 hotline.

[cazasomb18]

Yea, I've checked out the University Counseling Services... I'm just really mistrustful of them because one of their staff in the past disclosed damaging information about me to others, which I'm pretty sure is illegal... I'll give it a shot though.

Another thing, I'm not lying about how I described myself, I know it might be hard to believe based on my story, but it's true. I have lots of friends, a lot of lady friends also, from all different kinds of backgrounds. The simple fact is I respect all of them too much as friends to try anything... I guess this girl really messed with my confidence in that department.

There have been a number of sexual encounters since this ex, but I can't keep doing it. Call me old fashioned, but it makes me feel really bad hooking up with people I don't care about on that level, why? Because it's been done to me and it feels terrible.

[chuff]

I didn't mention my ex's beauty to try and impress anyone.

And if I can speak for everyone, nor was anybody impressed. I don’t think anybody took it like you were bragging but the way you write it makes seem as though that is one of the reasons you still have feelings for her. I’m here to tell you that looks don’t mean a damn thing if she doesn’t have her head on straight.

I live in a trendy area in Chicago. I see beautiful women everyday use everything they physically have to take advantage of others, and I am wise to it. I was just trying to illustrate how easy it was for her to get over me, because she had a hard time with it as well. She just recovered faster because she had the abliity to immediately fill that void.

So she used her looks to fill a void. That doesn’t begin to even sound like a stable woman. Seriously, look at her behavior going from one guy to the next. She has no idea what she wants, and worse then that no clue how who she is. She sounds nothing like the great woman you try to give her credit for. In fact she’s not the great woman you give her credit for. She’s an empty, shallow, cheater, emotionally challenged wreck.

In my last post I used Anna Nicole Smith as an example cause she’s in the news. She had looks, money, and fame but she had nothing underneath all that. That was literally all she had. She sold every bit of herself dignity to get that fame, money, and looks and died because of it. She had no foundation, no emotional stability and no inner strength. She didn’t live a great life at all. She left behind a fortune in money but died broke in emotional strength and happiness.

You ex is similar in the sense she jumps from one guy to the next and has no clue what she’s really looking for. She has no foundation and no emotional satisfaction or happiness. I can tell you that based on her behavior’s alone.

That being said, I’d have to say the same about you. You using drugs and failing at school. Your holding on to her words for hope. But this goes beyond her. There is something that was void in your life and SHE filled that void, then when she left you found something else. But that void was there before you met her.

Concerning my parents:
My parents and I have a very open and great relationship, and they're great counselors and mentors. I have no problem opening up to them about anything... except drugs. That is a touchy subject with them because I have a history of what they called "drug abuse".

Well what do you think you should call someone who OD’s on coke and wakes up and his first thought is “I’m glad I’m alive.” I think your parents probably should call it drug abuse. Because that’s what it is. I’ll say this again YOU PARENTS WOULD RATHER HELP YOU NOW THEN BURY YOU LATER. If your OD’ing on coke you’ve got bigger problems than you can admit too.

Of course they want to help me, and of course they would be interested in saving my life, but their cure for anything drug related is me going back to the ranch on indiana, and refusing to pay for any further college education. I have my own life, job, neighborhood and connections here in Chicago, and going back home would be one of the worst things for me. There is no opportunity or hope in that town. I mean, I went away to boarding school when I was 14 because I WANTED to.

So you options are dead in Chicago or life in Indiana. I love Chicago but I’d never die to live there.

My Questions:
What's the first step to stoping my habits? I'm in college, I'm young and I really don't know anyone here who doesn't enjoy going out and hitting the bars on the weekends.

I’m 30, and I’ve been around bars before I was legal. Because of my size I started bouncing in clubs at 16. I’ve been to more after hour parties than I know and I manage 3 restaurant/bars right now. I also very rarely drink. I find that to be such a cop out to say that it’s okay, because I’m young or had a bad life or everybody else is doing it. Everybody else is not doing it, I’m living proof of that and I’ve been around alcohol and drugs for half my life. I’ve never caved in to drugs and I rarely drink. In fact if I do go out and drink it’s so rare that people usually buy my drinks for me. So I pretty much stay healthy and get free drinks because I limit myself. It’s really the best of both worlds.

To answer you question just say your not drinking anymore. If you go to a bar order a bottled water, juice or pop. At many bars and nightclubs if you flat out tell the bartender your not drinking or are the designated driver they will give you free non alcoholic drinks. From a company standpoint they’d rather lose $20.00 in drinks then $200,000 in a lawsuit. Just ask and see. I’ll hit you up with another little trick that is used more often then you think. If you friends are encouraging you to drink and you feel like you can’t get out of it tell the bartender your going to order a Crown and Coke all night but you want just Coke in the glass. I used to work at a club where so many different people did that every single night. Perception is reality.

Quite honestly, If your friends have a problem with you not drinking then you better start asking yourself the tough question, “why don’t my friends respect me enough to make positive decisions for my life.” Like I said I used to go to after hour parties all the time when I was 16 through 24 years old and I rarely drank then. Everybody accepted it. I was never once mocked for that. You need to start worrying what’s best for you and not what’s best for the perception of those around you.

Should I just assume that this girl did cheat on me and use that as fuel to try to erase her? Is it safe to assume things, when there's no proof, just to make yourself feel better?

You should assume it because it’s probably the truth. She cheated on her ex with you. She immediately had someone else lined up. But you should just let her go. She’s one woman. There are 3 billion other ones.

Also, I have tried to start over. I have received interest from a several girls but in all honesty, I can't stand them. Everyone bores me. The second someone is interesting to me, and I get to know them there's always something that turns me off. Am I being too picky? Am I unwilling to compromise with others? Or am I just a bitter jerk that got his heart broken? I live in a city with three million people in it, and I keep on meeting same damn people, over and over again and it's really really old.

I think you should quit dating for awhile. I think your mind right now is predisposed to being turned off by women. I also think what is happening is your getting to a point with women where you fear the pain returning so you start making excuses.

You’ve got to pull back and fix your mind so that’s it’s strong again. You’ve got to identify what your real problems are and then solve them. Then where your mind is happy you can look for happiness with others.

[x-mo-x]

Move to the uk!! Thers loads of girls here that be happy 2 help a very attrative, intelligent and indipendant guy, who loves 2 party from chigargo get ova his cheatin ex :)
I'm trying really hard at the moment 2 get ova an ex who dumped me, we were onli together for 7months as well!! Its sooo hard but I know I'll get over in time, I have 2!! I'm not going to let myself feel like this 4eva and I'm onli in early 20's 2!! Coming on this web site and giving people advice has helped me a bit! I'm giving people advice that I need, if that makes sense?? Hope you do sort yourself out any way :) u sound like a decent guy!!
Xxx

[2ndTime]

There is so much fish in the ocean. Start running again.