[nelyzarate]

Just a month ago as of yesterday my boyfriend of four years died in a car accident, he was only 19 years old. Everyday I miss him more than ever. I miss everything about him, the way he would look at me when he told me loved me, the way he held my hand, the way he sang to me, his childish ways, his stupid jokes, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Even though we were young, we were in love, & I know people tell me that I'm young, that I'll find someone else & I'll get through it, they don't understand what we had. He was my best friend & it seems like everyday it gets harder & harder to get through this, especially when I feel like everyone around me expects me to be over this, at times I just want to yell or cry, but I hold it in, because I feel like my time to cry over this is up. I'm still in disbelief that he's gone, at times I let myself think that he's still alive, that he just hasn't called, I know this is untrue, but I just need a few unreal seconds to feel like he's still with me to feel sane. At the beginning I felt like this was all unreal, because bad things can't happen to good people, but then I started to accept it as I stayed at the scene & watched his body being taken out of the car, there was my baby, lifeless, & I couldn't do anything. Now that a month has passed I feel like I'm working backwards, I just want to be alone & cry, I don't want to go to school, & sometimes I find no meaning in life, why am I going to do something if sooner or later I'm just going to die as well. I just want to feel normal at times, but I feel like that will never happen, I want him to come back, but that will never happen, at only 17 years of age I've experienced the worst pain, & I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I just want to know that there are people that have gone through this too, that have experienced this & have come out stronger, I need hope.

[ballengerb1]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Death is difficult to comprehend when you know you are a good person and bad things should not happen. I lost someone very, very close. She and I were both good persons and yet she is gone. Prayer, friends and faith will help you heal.

[Somebody1234]

First, I want to say that I'm very sorry for your loss. Secondly, anybody who thinks that you should be over it by now is wrong. I think its doubtful you'd recover this soon when it was a month ago. Things like this take time. And even when I know everyone is different, I think its going to take longer than that. Especially since he was your boyfriend...

You already know that there's nothing you can do to bring him back. And I think that's what makes losing someone we love the hardest thing. You have memories, and now it seems to be closure that you need the most. You want hope. And there is hope. You will get through this. And if it takes baby steps, it takes baby steps. But you'll do it. Time is going to heal you.

Realize that there's a reason he was in your life. You will probably always carry him in your memory and heart. Don't let people pressure you to move on right away. You know its not that easy. Let yourself take the time you need, but you still need to find a way to go about your daily life. I know you're thinking that that's easier said than done. But you can't completely shut yourself down. You can't put your life on hold. I'm sure since your boyfriend loved you very much, he would want you to be happy and to live your life. It is hard. And I can't say that I know exactly how you feel right now, but I really do hope you can still find some kind of outlet for your sadness and despair. Sometimes it helps people if they find new things/hobbies to do. It probably won't take your mind off him completely, especially since its still quite early, but it might help a little. Do you have a school counselor/therapist you can talk with?

The way you described your boyfriend, he sounded like a great guy. He sounded like he was probably fun to be around, and most of all, happy. That's why I bet your boyfriend is watching over you, and wants you to be happy too. I'm sure the other people who are close to you really are missing your smile right now too. You won't forget him. And despite what some people say, I know there's got to be more to life than this. I feel like you will see him again, or at least things will remind you of him, and you'll have feelings here and there that he's still around you. Don't stop living though. I'm sure he'd want you to live your life. And if a couple or few years from now you find yourself in a relationship with another great guy, he could never replace your boyfriend. Your boyfriend and this new guy might have some similarities, but you know in your heart no one could replace him(your bf). And I'm sure your boyfriend and the people around you would understand that. But don't be afraid to try with someone else.

Moving forward can be one of the hardest things, but it can be done. Your going to get though this. We learn and grow from life's experiences whether good or bad. You'll definitely grow from this. In the future someone else might go through the same thing and they might lean on you. You'll know what to say because you've gone through the same thing. Again, I'm really sorry. Best wishes!

[Wondergirl]

Now it's time to honor him and to respect his life and his memory. You can't do that if you are wrapped up inside of yourself and not able to reach out for help and to other people who are also missing him.

Find a counselor or a support group. Plant a tree in his memory or create a memory garden. You and his friends and his family put together a book of funny and heartwarming stories about him. Mourn for him completely and thoroughly. Put him into your conversations with those who knew him. Remember the wonderful person he was.

We each have stories about loved ones we lost suddenly or unexpectedly or after a long illness. We each had to walk our own roads towards recovery. Now you are making that walk. We can hold your hand, but we can't carry you. You have to take the steps.

We wish you well. Please stay in touch.

[Fr_Chuck]

Cry, grieve, miss him. That is what this time is about, I will agree do something in his honor, even if it is small now, what did he really love? Do you know some of the largest charities in the US started in memory of someone, Some of the cancer walks, some of the other fund raisers.

I have been widowed twice, and never have stopped loving either one, I still often talk to them, perhaps outside at night, or at the grave site from time to time.

[JudyKayTee]

FrChuck's posts on loss always truly bring tears to my eyes. I was widowed and, yes, he's correct - I have never stopped loving my husband. Sometimes I miss him, particularly when I first wake up in the morning. I have moved on. I met someone, fell in love and married again - but one person does not replace another.

No one is an expert on grief and grieving. What works for me may very well make the grief worse for you. I found that my grief came in waves - better one day, worse another day, better the next. There were days when I didn't care if the sun ever came up again.

I had to force myself to get dressed, go to work, eat. In the beginning every minute was a struggle, then every hour was a struggle, then every day, then every week, then every month - and you get the picture. It does get easier. That doesn't mean it gets better.

You've had a terrible loss at a young age. When you lose a partner at any age it doesn't make any sense. I, at least, had a business to run, was established. You, on the other hand, are just starting.

My husband was very sick for a long time, and we had the opportunity to discuss what he wanted for me - I realize you didn't have that opportunity but the advice probably would be the same. You do your boyfriend no respect if you bury yourself (so to speak) with him. You have to go on.

All I can tell you is to find what helps you heal - solitude (as much as you can find solitude), keeping busy, perhaps a group, prayer (if you are religious), preserving your memories, contact with his family - whatever works for you.

I PROMISE you it will get easier. And, yes, I know - I didn't believe it either.

[Illusion]

Everyone here has given you such kind suggestions and their own experience on how death has touched their lives. You sound like you are still in shock over the loss of your boyfriend. It is really important that you stay connected with someone that can give you support. You really do need someone that is going to be there to listen to you. If not with family or friends - then with a therapist or counselor. This is not the time to be alone. It is so soon after your loss - you are grieving. There is no time to loss - we all feel through grief in our own time and way. Your love for your boyfriend is going to keep you strong. Just to know how much you loved him - and he loved you. This is courage and emotion all in one to see you through this. Give yourself time - lots of time - to cry and remember him and cry some more. You will get through this and go on. Healing is a process - one where you find yourself and your love for someone else. You are such a young girl and you do have a future ahead of you. A good future. I just wish you find peace and comfort and know that all will be well.

[soccer.freak]

I'm sorry for your loss, we all go through it sometime or another you just have to think that he's in a better place free of pain, think of all the positives about him not what he looked lke when they pulled him out of the car.

When my grandpa died last year on my birthday I never got to say goodbye couldn't tell him how much I loved him, I was depressed didn't enjoy the things I had started hiding my feelings causing myself pysical and emotional harm.

It took a while but I heald I still pray for him at night and find comfort in playing soccer the one thing I enjoy again it just takes time to heal I understand that and I know it is hard find people to talk to it will get better

[Aimzify92]

My boyfriend of 2 years died March 25th in a car accident, we dated for 2 years, were going to get married next spring, so I can say I know what you're going through. Know its normal to feel up and down, some days are worse than others, sometimes you feel like you're taking one step back but keep moving forward. Surround yourself w/ people who care. I'm going through counseling, I'd suggest the same for you. Things will always remind you of him. Songs, sounds, music, smell, clothes... but remember those things that make you happy.

[DeeDee98]

This year February made it 4 years since my boyfriend died..
I feel incomplete without him
And I have never liked the idea of getting a tattoo
But I think I am going to get one this month... I really don't care what no one think..
I was thinking about his initials but now I am thinking of his date of birth
IN that way He will always be with me in what ever I do...
I do have something that he gave me which is a chain but a chain can always lose or get burst
SO my plan is to get the tattoo!

[JudyKayTee]

If you're asking for advice, I'd "do" his initials, not his date of birth.

A lot of people share a birthday; his initials are more individual and special.

Just my opinion.

[sam1980]

Im so sorry for your loss as I understand what you are going through. I lost my boyfriend of 9 years about two months ago. It was so sudden, its still doesn't seem real to me. He was my life and all I knew, life now doesn't seem to matter. Everywhere I look reminds me of him. I can't bear to look at his pictures because I can't except that he's gone. I know how you feel , how can such a good person be taken when they are needed so much here. But I'm trying to believe as they say 'only the best are taken'. My boyfriend was the most helpful and caring person I know, he would take the time for anyone. He had such a good future ahead of him with so much determination and dreams. But now he can't fulfil them. I too just want to shut myself away and cry, that's all I have been doing, but it helps to speak to someone about it. It nice to talk about them and the memories made with each other. You've got to understand that it has only been a month since it happened to your boyfriend and I know it most probably feels like yesterday, time will stand still for a while. To me the importance of time does not matter.

[james98765]

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend just over a year ago and still feel like it shouldn't of happened, like I'm living someone else's life by mistake. I still feel like the life I'm living doesn't fit, I'm on holiday and all I want to do is go home. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, some people have told me I need to "move on" but I think this is an uncaring way to say get over it. Talking to people who care can really help and being honest with yourself and others about how you are taking everything can also help relieve some of the strain and pressure. Counselling is also useful as it can give you the time to talk over feelings in a safe environment. In truth I don't know what to say, I think it's incredibly clichéd and condescending to say time heals all wounds as I know I will always miss my best friend terribly. I still cry over my loss, which happened just over a year ago, but have somehow found the strength to continue with my day to day life, although it all seems pointless at times without that special person. I now know material things, such as money, mean nothing compared to what I had before May 16th 2011. It's "supposed" to get easier but it doesn't always feel that way, conventional wisdom can sometimes come across as completely wrong...

[JudyKayTee]

Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, some people have told me I need to "move on" but I think this is an uncaring way to say get over it. Talking to people who care can really help and being honest with yourself and others about how you are taking everything can also help relieve some of the strain and pressure. Counselling is also useful as it can give you the time to talk over feelings in a safe environment. In truth I don't know what to say, I think it's incredibly clichéd and condescending to say time heals all wounds as I know I will always miss my best friend terribly. I still cry over my loss, which happened just over a year ago, but have somehow found the strength to continue with my day to day life, although it all seems pointless at times without that special person. I now know material things, such as money, mean nothing compared to what I had before May 16th 2011. It's "supposed" to get easier but it doesn't always feel that way, conventional wisdom can sometimes come across as completely wrong...I wish you all the best and hope that one day you are able to look back with fond memories of this very special person.

I'm sorry for your loss - but I must disagree with part of what you've written. Everyone grieves in a different fashion. "Moving on" doesn't mean you've forgotten about the person, love(d) them any less, aren't suffering. "Moving on" means what you are doing - going on holiday/vacation, living day to day. Sometimes talking helps. Other times it makes the loss worse.

Time does make things easier and, yes, your life will never be the same.

[Brittyc5]

First off I am so sorry for your loss. I too have just lost my boyfriend of 4 years due to an overdose. He was 23. I am 22. I feel your pain. It also hasn't gotten any easier for me. We lived together for all of those 4 years. We had quite a roller coaster of a relationship but we always stuck it out together. The weekend before he passed he actually cheated on me for the first time ever. I can't help but wonder if he even did love me. The day he died we had only been better for less than 48 hours. I forgave him because I knew we could get through anything together. He was my best friend, my rock, and my world. I now have all of this anger, sadness, and wonder. What would have happened with us? Would we have made it as a couple? The worst part for me is not knowing what could have been. But as of tomorrow it's been one month now and I know that in time I will be okay which is what you also need to tell yourself. Think about the time you did get to spend with him. Remember the good times. I find a little comfort knowing I did find that special place in his heart and that I actually meant something to him if we made it together that long. Just know god had other plans for him and he would want you to move forward with your life. As impossible as that feels, it's what you need to do for him. Life can be pretty unfair sometimes but this will make you stronger and you will get through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
-Dr. Suess

[JudyKayTee]

First off I am so sorry for your loss. I too have just lost my boyfriend of 4 years due to an overdose. He was 23. I am 22. I feel your pain. It also hasn't gotten any easier for me. We lived together for all of those 4 years. We had quite a roller coaster of a relationship but we always stuck it out together. The weekend before he passed he actually cheated on me for the first time ever. I can't help but wonder if he even did love me. The day he died we had only been better for less than 48 hours. I forgave him because I knew we could get through anything together. He was my best friend, my rock, and my world. I now have all of this anger, sadness, and wonder. What would have happened with us? Would we have made it as a couple? The worst part for me is not knowing what could have been. But as of tomorrow it's been one month now and I know that in time I will be okay which is what you also need to tell yourself. Think about the time you did get to spend with him. Remember the good times. I find a little comfort knowing I did find that special place in his heart and that I actually meant something to him if we made it together that long. Just know god had other plans for him and he would want you to move forward with your life. As impossible as that feels, it's what you need to do for him. Life can be pretty unfair sometimes but this will make you stronger and you will get through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
-Dr. Suess

Oh, I'm so sorry - I wish I had magic words for you.

[NDE PTSD]

Your experience touched me. I died and left my body. I struggle with the feeling that I did die and came back to a different dimension living in a world I am not from. If I am right your man woke up to you in the hospital and you have kids in his new universe.

[JudyKayTee]

Your experience touched me. I died and left my body. I struggle with the feeling that I did die and came back to a different dimension living in a world I am not from. If I am right your man woke up to you in the hospital and you have kids in his new universe.

What? I'm a widow - how does this POSSIBLY help me recover from my grief?

[NDE PTSD]

Judykay, After reading your post it appears to me that my comment to Nelyzarate affected you. My comment was for her and her question. I did not mean any disrespect to her nor you. My comment came from my own life experiences and I meant comfort and a way to heal from the loss. From your post you say your 22 years old and just experienced a loss a month ago. I do not have all the answers and I am sorry for your loss. I would have given you different advice.

[JudyKayTee]

Judykay, After reading your post it appears to me that my comment to Nelyzarate affected you. My comment was for her and her question. I did not mean any disrespect to her nor you. My comment came from my own life experiences and I meant comfort and a way to heal from the loss. From your post you say your 22 years old and just experienced a loss a month ago. I do not have all the answers and I am sorry for your loss. I would have given you different advice.

What are you talking about? I'm not 22 and I didn't lose my husband a month ago.

What the heck?

I would like to know how saying this to a person who has suffered a lost helps (and what it means): "Your experience touched me. I died and left my body. I struggle with the feeling that I did die and came back to a different dimension living in a world I am not from. If I am right your man woke up to you in the hospital and you have kids in his new universe."