[SadShelly]

Hi. I'm writing in hopes of gaining some clarity in a situation that has been on my mind constantly for some time now. I'm a 30yr old female & am having difficulty dealing with my 33yr old brother. We also have a sister (32) who is my closest friend. Long story short, we grew up in a very volatile home; abuse in every way was the norm and for the most part, we hated being home. My parents essentially let us raise ourselves, albeit providing for us financially in excess. My brother was always the shy kid & growing up in the area in which we did, there was a lot of racism; I'm certain he was bullied on a constant basis. At home we had no real parental "guides" who looked out for our best interests, just 2 people who made it clear they weren't interested in each other, let alone raising us.

Fast forward to adult life. My brother is an alcoholic. With no job, no work experience, and no formal education beyond high school. He was accepted to awesome schools & went, only to fail out mid-semester (after my parents paid, of course). He spends on their dime, lives in their home, & has a sense of entitlement that boggles my mind. I'm married and live out of state & my sister lives on her own as she's fully self-sufficient. After years of watching my parents straight DENY his increasing abuse of alcohol (I mean they literally turned the other way), it has gotten to the point where he has been in jail for 30 days for his 3rd DUI, which resulted in an accident (Mom's car, of course). He also has been in / out of the hospital, my parents have walked in & found him incoherent, he cannot drive somewhere (even to the store down the street) without bringing alcohol into the mix. He caused a major fight at my wedding reception, made a complete *** of himself in front of my husband, his family, and our family countless times. Recently he agreed to go to rehab (which Mom & Dad shelled out $6,000) and the week he got out, decided he wanted to travel. Now, with no credit card, no job, why on EARTH would my parents approve of funding this? Why not sit down & has out a plan for the near future in regards to sobriety, rather than co-sign on travel plans. Travel? What the hell for?
So he goes to California, gets WASTED, makes a fool of himself. Now this was months ago and he has not gone to 1 AA meeting & says "tomorrow I'm going to go". My parents enable this crap as if this is normal behavior.

So my quandary today? He (on Facebook) adds a family friend on my in-law's side. Now, I don't want to mix my in-laws with my family, simply because my family members have shown me in the past that they are unpredictable, especially my brother. I can go on for days as to how he has run his mouth & said things about. Me & my husband. So now he feels he is entitled to befriending MY friends & husband's family on FB, so they can see his political & racially-charged rants? It's embarrassing to be associated to someone so arrogant & ignorant. I attempted to call him today to ask him why he's adding my friends (um, weird!) & he didn't pick up the phone. Can you believe that? A grown adult afraid to confront another? I strongly believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but getting him treatment of any sorts is damn near impossible. My constant lingering fear is that he is going to drive one day and either kill himself or someone else. Or that he will become a junkie, with no skills, no social awareness, no money, no purpose. I mean, he's setting himself for this already. And the arrogance.. Oh the arrogance.

[talaniman]

Of course you love your brother, but stay out of his situation, or relationships with others. They, like you will come to know of his addiction, and act accordingly. His time will come, and sadly his fate is jail, institutions, or death, if he doesn't decide to help himself.

Alcoholics are tornadoes that disrupt and interfere in the lives they touch, and their own, but unfortunately, neither you, or anyone can really help them, unless he wants that help. There are no good relationships with addicted people, and while you love and care, don't let them ruin your own life.