[Cat1864]

There is currently a thread in Adult Sexuality that is quickly becoming a discussion about relationship issues such as privacy and trust.

In an attempt to keep the thread from getting away from the op's needs, I invite those who wish to discuss the differing viewpoints on boundary lines and trust to feel free to talk about it here.

Some of the issues raised have been:

• Invading a partners personal space to gather evidence either in support of suspicions or to dispel them.
  
• Trusting and loving someone is not the same as turning a blind-eye to bad behavior.
  
• Communicating is preferable to 'snooping'.

I look forward to a civil and very informative discussion on the issues.

[jenniepepsi]

Thank you for making this post Cat :) I did feel reluctant to get into it on the other post, I didn't want to hijack the thread.



I feel, that regardless of marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé, life partner, or what have you, there is an expectancy of faithfulness. When you enter a relationship, you are with THAT person. No one else. *unless of course, both parties state otherwise and that's fine*

However I do NOT agree with snooping and spying. If you suspect your lover cheating on you (married or not) speak to them about it. If it becomes a problem for you, leave the relationship.

[Aurora_Bell]

Gosh I have been on both sides of the argument. I have been the jealous, snooping partner and have also been the one having her privacy invaded. It's possibly the worst feeling ever, thinking you S/O is cheating or planning on leaving you. It's like a constant war going on in your head, and no one is winning. No one wants to be made a fool of, and no one wants to be in a relationship of impending doom. The biggest lesson I have learned from being in these situations is always trust your gut. If something isn't sitting well, there is usually a reason. Of course this doesn't give reason to start hacking their Facebook and texts, but a simple "is everything okay" can go a long way. I have also learned to not go in looking to blame and fight. Keeping an open mind can make turn things from bad to good.

Holding on too long is another thing I have always struggled with. I never seem to know when to let go. I'm a fixer. I can't just sit back and watch things deteriorate. I feel compelled to keep talking things out, trying to make it better. Sometimes you just need to walk away and not look back. It's so cliché, but everything happens for a reason and I strongly believe that if it's meant to be, it will be.

After leaving my daughter's father 4 years ago, I have only been in one real relationship. It failed miserably too. This was the relationship I snooped and spied in. I found all kinds of unpaid bills (bills in MY name), receipts of expensive dinners for other girls, Fb messages telling his friends how miserable he was--he never expressed any of this to me. I moved him into MY house, painted and re-decorated my spare room for his son, all I asked in return was he pay for half the electricity and the cable and phone. The mortgage would always be my responsibility because this was my home and I was not going to be put in a position where I would lose that (and he tried to take that from me too). All of the bills were in my name, and none of them were getting paid. It wasn’t until the electric company called in December to tell me they would be putting my account in collections and shutting off my power. I had 24 hours to pay close to a $2,000 electric bill. I started calling other placed only to find them all being in non-pay disconnect status. In totally I had $5,000 debt. He had switched everything to online statements and destroyed anything that came in the mail in writing. Not sure what his master plan was for when we had no power in the middle of winter… But it took me close to 2 years to get it all paid off. Ever since I have been terrified of getting close to anyone and sabotage anything that resembles a healthy relationship. It's so hard to see past my own flaws and accept people with theirs as well.