[jam8586]

Ok so here's the deal. My husband has a best friend who, at first, I never even thought of as attractive! After I got to know him better I decided he was a nice guy. Very charming and, in the beginning, so sweet! My husband and I have been together for ten years (since we were 15) and always have had a pretty rough relationship. He doesn't make me feel pretty, or special and pretty much does nothing I ask of him but the complete opposite. I try to talk to him about it but all he ever says is "you don't do anything to make me happy" well why would I want to do that when he's only nice to me when he wants to sleep with me!

Anyway, back to his friend... I never thought of this guy as someone I would like. He's not my type at all! But there is something about him I can't stay away from. About 8 months ago he drove me home because my husband left the bar early. He took a detour and stopped in the middle of the road and just blatantly asked me to kiss him! At first I said no and he kept asking and eventually I gave in... I wish I hadn't. A few weeks go by and we slept together and had an affair for a couple of months until things just got too hard for me. He's married as well and I can't handle the sharing anymore. I asked him several times to leave but he says he wants to be sure 100% before he does so (he has a child as well) but I don't want to continue on this path! I feel like he plays mind games with me. He told me he loved me about two weeks after our kiss, he always says how amazing and beautiful I am. But then he doesn't want to be with JUST me. When we first started talking he was saying that if he was in love with me he would leave his wife for me so its something he initiated and discussed before we even slept together.

With that being said, I have never been the type to chase after a guy no matter how attractive I thought him to be. Even when I go out, guys hit on me, which is another problem in our marriage. My husband is very insecure, although I have never cheated or anything like this before... well I finally had enough and told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again... yea that last about a week and a half and he all of a sudden texts me and says he can't live without me blah blah but yet again is hesitant about just being with me. I'm so confused, I fell for him and I fell hard! And to kind of give an idea about how different he is from my type, nobody suspects anything because I am WAY out of his league... not that its about looks but when I told my friend her first response was "how drunk were u" or "he must have a GREAT personality" . Even my husband, who normally is jealous if a guy even looks at me, doesn't mind his friend and I talking because he knows I would never go for someone like him...

I don't know what he's done to me but I hate it. I love my husband but I'm not sure if I'm still IN love... I feel terrible for what I've done but I can't get over this guy. If someone can please give me some advice or encouraging words. Or just blatant honest of a guys opinion. This guy got to me and broke my heart...

[Stringer]

I do not want to seem judgmental and yes here it comes...

We are all week and that is the reason that we need commitments and ethics. The result of being week is usually pain and sorrow. I know that you really don't want to hear this do you. But since it has already happened and hopefully is now in the past your next move should be to do your best in tying to communicate with your husband; one on one or with help such as in professional help, therapy.

Everything has consequences, fact of life. However starting over is always a possibility. But it does take the commitment I spoke of above. If you are considering telling it all to your husband, I wouldn't, he will not understand and the chances of a future with him would be minimal, in my opinion.

You did not mention if you have children. If so, then that certainly adds a new mix to the situation. Although not a reason to stay if you do not love your husband.

Loving your husband and being 'in love' with him are two different things. I think that loving him is the key to again falling 'in love' with him Jam. No one has the 'perfect relationship' although some are close and I am not sure that it exists. But I do know the satisfying results of working on a relationship. There is no utopia and we are the ones responsible for our own happiness.

What has happen has happened (period). What you do now is what is important to you and your family. We are amazing creatures and do amazing things.

I wish you luck Jam.

Stringer

[jam8586]

I do not want to seem judgmental and yes here it comes....

We are all week and that is the reason that we need commitments and ethics. The result of being week is usually pain and sorrow. I know that you really don't want to hear this do you. But since it has already happened and hopefully is now in the past your next move should be to do your best in tying to communicate with your husband; one on one or with help such as in professional help, therapy.

Everything has consequences, fact of life. However starting over is always a possibility. But it does take the commitment I spoke of above. If you are considering telling it all to your husband, I wouldn't, he will not understand and the chances of a future with him would be minimal, in my opinion.

You did not mention if you have children. If so, then that certainly adds a new mix to the situation. Although not a reason to stay if you do not love your husband.

Loving your husband and being 'in love' with him are two different things. I think that loving him is the key to again falling 'in love' with him Jam. No one has the 'perfect relationship' although some are close and I am not sure that it exists. But I do know the satisfying results of working on a relationship. There is no utopia and we are the ones responsible for our own happiness.

What has happen has happened (period). What you do now is what is important to you and your family. We are amazing creatures and do amazing things.

I wish you luck Jam.

Stringer

No I appreciate an honest, unbiased opinion. We do not have any children and I'm not sure I want any at this time due to the situation. Generally, I'm not a weak person whatsoever, but something about him makes me weak. I don't plan on telling my husband especially because I don't want to ruin their friendship (not sure how much of a friendship it is to the friend) and I don't want to ruin the marriage of the friend... I'm scared that I am no longer in love with my husband. It's almost like we are just living together as roomates. :(

[Stringer]

Then you just may have found your own answer Jam.

I am sure that you realize that the right thing to do if you are not 'in love' with your husband and you don't want to try counseling then do it the correct way and consider a divorce. I suggest that even if you do this that you do not seek your husband's best friend. Just start over especially since there are no children involved (thank goodness).

Sit down and do some serious thinking, make a plan to try to work this out or not. What ever you do commit to it. It will remove a lot of pressure.

I wish you all the best and as always we can't change our past but we do have a chance to learn from it, the wise thing to do.

Good luck, let us know please.

Stringer

[friend4u178]

You fell for this guy because you weren't getting the respect you should at home.

The fact that he would have sex with his best friends wife should tell you exactly the type of guy he is. He will never leave his wife for you , but he'll be happy to use you whenever you let him.

Dump his a55 and then if you really want to make things work with your husband give it a good hard go , as Stringer says , communicate , let him know exactly what the situation is and how your feeling.

Put it down as a learning experience , I wish you luck and keep us posted.

[jam8586]

Thank you guys... I blocked the "friends" number yesterday and haven't received any more messages due to this. Even though it seems very difficult to not constantly wonder what and if he's trying to contact me. However, I know this is for the best. Like mentioned, I'm very confused about my feelings toward me husband. I just don't know if we grew together or apart since our teens :( I always wanted to be the small percentage of high school sweethearts that "made" it... and I really have tried to talk and communicate but HE doesn't. I'm not blaming it all on him but as far as talking, he doesn't do much. He bottles it all up and lets things get way out of control instead of just TELLING me what bothers him. As far as his friend, I really hope he would have more respect for me, than to use me for sex. To kind of give you an idea, I'm very outgoing and like to have fun and socialize but I am VERY standoffish to guys approaching me at bars or anything like that. Basically I'm very very particular about who I give my number to or date. I've only slept with three guys which one is my now husband and one being his friend and I'm 28. Or maybe it was just a challenge to the friend to sleep with me knowing my background... I know this wife and him have a good relationship so I'm always confused why he even cheated on her in the first place. Usually, or so it seems, people cheat because they're not happy at home. In his case, sometimes I feel like he's just greedy. I just wish I feel things for my husband that I feel for his friend! I know that new relationships are obv all happy lovey dovey in the beginning until people really get to know each other. So I always wonder if I was to be with the friend in a relationship, if my feelings would remain... bottom line, if my husband and I split I will NOT date anyone immediately. I want to be able to heal emotionally and not jump right into something due to vulnerability.

[friend4u178]

Good for you.

Maybe if your husband knew he was going to lose you he may communicate more . We're not real good at picking up seemingly obvious signs sometimes :-)

[Stringer]

Good for you.

Maybe if your husband knew he was going to lose you he may communicate more . We're not real good at picking up seemingly obvious signs sometimes :-)

Yeah I agree M, we can be kind of 'thick' sometimes.

I wonder if counseling would help? Possibly if both of you knew that something was wrong and needed to be fixed... or else. The 'or else' may move things forward, who knows until you try.

Stringer

[answerme_tender]

Jam,

I wonder if a friend came to you with the same scenario what advice you would give her. You have said that you are a very strong woman and I happen to believe you.

That is why I feel that you are unhappy and at least emotionally done with your marriage and made an mature choice when you cheated. No matter how you have made yourself out to be the victim. You made that bed even to the point that you wanted him to leave his wife and childrent to CHOOSE YOU. Apparently he is also not getting enough loving in his house either, but unlike you he isn't willing to dump his wife (who probably like your husband) doesn't have any idea that they are the true victims of lies and deceit.

Its time to pickup yourself up and try to regain some pride and move on with your life. Trying to stay in a marriage just so you can show others "See Me I beat the odds" is not a good enough reason to stay with anyone. Once you have broken those vow's and there are no children to consider what is the point.

We have all made bad choices in our lives, its how we grow from them that makes up what we will become.

Take Care

[jam8586]

Answerme_tender,

Although I did ask him to choose, it was because I don't think it's fair to ANYONE in this situation. Im not going to continue have an affair so I felt If I made him chose it would put an end to the cheating either way. Whether he chooses to leave or stay, the affair ends. I'm not trying to make myself look like the victim but simply trying to get unbiased advice. I realize my decision to cheat wasn't the best but it happened and I wish it didn't.

And here's an update:

I unblocked the number and since have received MANY messages but haven't responded. At this point I don't even have an desire to. It does skmetimes get to me when he says things like he loves me and misses me but my marriage is my main focus right now...

[Homegirl 50]

That is smart.
This man is not a good friend of your husband, otherwise he would not have come on to you. He is not a friend and he is not very nice.
I'm glad you have decided to leave him alone. Work on your marriage or leave it, but this guy is bad news. Leave him alone.

[guestlala12]

leave that guy alone,he only will play with your feeling,do you really think he will leave his family and his child for you?? and do you want to destroy that child's future?? you know if he leaves his family for you there will be one day that he will leave you for some more beautiful woman as well.anyway is a big sin too.you married your husband and you are cheating on him and now you will destroy his family as well.dont do that just leave them alone,did you hear "what comes around goes around ". And he is not a good fried of your husband,if he was he wouldn't do that to your husband.do you really want to be with a man who would leave his wife and child for sex?do you think he is a good man?? hmmm if you don't want to live with your husband anymore tell him about that,if he changes OK if not you will see.at the end you will only be the one who will pay for all the sins if you continue to have sex with a married man, so think about this dear.I hope you will make a good choice and change...

[restless1980]

I feel like I wrote this article! I am going through the same thing. I have been married for 9years and my husband and I are high school sweethearts. I do love him but like you said I am not sure if I am in love with him. So, I have been having an affair with one of his best friends for a few months. I know I need to stop but I fell hard for his friend and I didn't expect that to happen. I never thought I was someone who would have an affair. I do not approve of my own actions and I am very strong women as well. I feel that is part of the problem. My husband and I have went through a lot... death of sister, mother had cancer... I have always had to be the strong one because he does not deal well with things. I do love my husband we have been together since we were 12 and I am 31. I don't want to hurt him... I tried to break up with his friend multiply times and I keep going back.

I also support us financially. We have no kids and I just am tired of always being the one to take care of EVERYTHING! And just like you no one expects anything.. because I'm kind of out of his league. I don't think anyone would ever expect me to fall for him. But I think he (friend) is so amazing in his own way. I just fell so guilty for having all these feelings and when I read your article it felt good to know someone out there is going through the same thing. If you don't mind me asking... What ended up happening?/