[Princess-IMYM]

I'm in my second semester at university, doing a degree my dad thinks is useless (I agree sort of but I'm doing it because it's my interest not to get me a job) and he did all he could to tell me not to go to university.

I've never had a great relationship with my dad. Growing up I was terrified of him (smacked me on the bum if I did something wrong even if it was an accident or someone else's fault) it got to the stage where if he was in, I was out of sight. He threatened to throw me out all the time and he'd insult me and so on, I know he wasn't serious now but back then I believed every word. He's never been proud in anything I did, if I got an A* in English he wouldn't even say well done, if my brother got a B in P.E it was a new pair of football boots for him.

But my brother and I were in the same boat where my dad's anger was concerned. My mam told me once he wasn't actually angry at us he was just taking it out on us. That made it worse and for the best of five years I hated him completely. I stayed on at 6th form, he was angry at that, and I went on a trip to New York last year; It was frightening to ask him if I could go but he said "If you pay for it" thinking I couldn't but I saved up my money and thought "Finally! He'll be proud of me!" exact opposite; he accused me of not caring about him and mam and their money problems; I didn't know they had any and I got angry, what was he expecting? That I give my money to him? He was talking to me as if he were paying for my trip! That's the first time I cried in front of him since I was little, and he just said "Don't try to get out of this with tears".

I did my A-levels and got into university; he sent me a text saying "Well done; you've proved me wrong and I'm glad you did" or something like that on my results day. Honestly I could have cried, I got something from him! He still didn't want me to go though, told me I was wasting his money again and not to expect any help. I was so tempted to remind him I had paid my own way since I was 14 years old and got a job. But the day he took me to university he'd written on Facebook "Today was the hardest day of my life, it almost broke me in half to drive away" and when he recently dropped me off after christmas he wrote something about money and put "I love you really Dani, no matter the cost".

I feel like he's letting me grow up now and I want to let everything go so I can have a relationship with him but I don't know how; I know him better than I know my mam (who I'm starting to get closer to as well but that issue is more from her working as a full time mam than anything else) but I can't talk to him very easily and if I push him too much he tells me to shut up or he doesn't care or, if he's in a good mood, he tries to change the conversation or leave politely.

Are there guidelines or something to get past the barriers this relationship has built or am I going to have to try alone and learn from mistakes?

[Schoolmarm97]

You and your father have a rather typical relationship, I'm afraid. Daughters are very hard on fathers. ;) On one hand, fathers want their girls to succeed, but on the other, they worry endlessly about them. There's an old quote that goes, "My son is my son till he takes him a wife, but my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life".

That said, your father is rather controlling (I had one just like him) and punitive, so his attempts to parent you have been rude. Still, you've turned out nicely. Your dad (like mine) is of the "I dare her to succeed without my help!" variety. I know it makes for a lonely feeling on your end, but in time, as you grow and mature and prove that you can handle life, he will soften at least a little. He is showing you his love in the only way he knows how to do that. It's not the best way, but it's his way. He does care, but he is most likely afraid that if he shows support for you while you are doing something which he suspects is a waste of your time and money, that you will later blame him (or he will blame himself) if you are not as successful in life as you both hope you will be. He has high standards for you, and he shows that by treating you more like an employee (I thought of my father as The General) than a child. In his heart, he adores you. For whatever reason, he can't just open up and embrace you in all that you are. To the end (my father was 92 when he passed away), my father still couldn't admit to his friends that I was "just a teacher". But we got along well as long as visits were short and our conversations full of other subjects than my chosen career.

You could probably benefit from some counseling on your own to help you understand how to learn to live with a father who is not quite what you would like him to be. It may get better over time as you prove yourself to him, but you should not live your life with that as your goal. You are doing very well. You should be proud of yourself no matter how you feel your father is undermining your confidence. And when the time comes to choose a partner for yourself, be careful that you don't fall into the pattern of looking for someone just like--or exactly opposite to--your father. Counseling now will help prevent that later. And it will help you avoid being reactive to your father's advice. He may have some good points, but it's hard for you to hear him when you are so hurt and angry.

You sound like a lovely young woman. Good luck to you!

[Fr_Chuck]

Relationships are hard and often get harder since parents see children as "little": for so much of their life. They also want them to succeed in life, to be able to make a way in life and to be able to get and have a great job.

The funny thing is, so many people never work in the field they go to college for.

But again, if you don't plan on working in the area of study,? You do want to try to study something for your career and take other classes for things you enjoy.

What is your major ? And what type of career plans do you have?

[talaniman]

Relax, you don't have to push, as you will get closer naturally, as time goes by. I think the less you push the better. Many people have a hard time expressing themselves one, on one. But know on a deeper level he cares greatly. Just be patient, he is a hard stern person, but I think his heart is in the right place.

I think you are lucky. I think he knows he is lucky to have you as a daughter. Be patient. It will happen on its own.

[Princess-IMYM]

Counselling had never occurred to me, I used to be an attention seeker when I was younger and I'm ashamed of it so I avoid anything like needing to go to the doctors and such unless its absolutely necessary.
What I don't want to happen is to become detached from him; both of my parents have less than perfect relationships with their fathers, we visit them once a year and never stay for more than half an hour and they don't really talk; apparently my mam was the same with her dad according to my grandma so I'm guessing my mam fell into the whole boyfriend's like her dad thing. I already think I will have a partner like a dad, I've always fancied people who are funny and strong - just like him, and can't make it work with people the exact opposite.
I haven't decided what career I want; the idea of working behind the scenes in the military interests me but I haven't done any research, but simply working in the hotel I currently work in with all my friends and my family suits me just fine, so I'm not in any hurry to decide what I want to do with my life right away.
I'm not majoring in anything; I'm doing a dual honours degree of both International Relations and Philosophy.