[tashtot]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year an I've know about him watching porn pretty much the whole time we've been together. It does bother me a little an when I did talk to him about it he said he would stop. But that hasn't been the case. He still watches it every time I'm not home. An lately he has been getting off work an going home an watching it. The only way I know this is because I look at his search history an find all sorts of porn sites. What hurts is he lies to me about watching it. Tells me he doesn't but does every time I'm not home. I know he isn't going to stop an I'm starting to be afraid he has an addiction. What can I do? Do I stop looking at his history? Do I confront him again even though it hasn't worked in the pass? Or do I just forget about it an try to get over it. Please help me, I don't know what to do? I love him very much an our relationship is great, I just need to figure this out.

[Fr_Chuck]

Is it effecting your sex life with him? If it has no effect on your relationship with him just let it go.

Get used to it, guys watch porn, he said he would stop because you most likely threw a fit over it, And he figures he could do it and you not find out.

Several issues, don't tell him he can't watch. Don't ask him not to watch, it is something he does, something he wants to do, and it is not your place to make him change.

Stop checking his history, do you want him to question every site you ever go to ? Guys will leave when they think you are doing things like that.

How about watching porn with him, ask him to let you be part of it perhaps,

[tashtot]

Its starting to effect my sex life cause he will watch it rather than have sex with me. An I don't feel as turned on knowing he's watching ex girlfriend sites an teen sites with girls that are hotter than me. An I don't know if I can watch it wit him. I feel really uncomfortable about the way my breast look an I don't like looking at my boyfriend looking at woman with better looking breast then mine. :( an saw I do watch it with him, will it help him stop watching it so much or every single time I'm not home?

[smoothy]

Like Fr_Chuck said... get used to it... he's an adult and has the right to his entertainment.

First.. its NOT about you... so don't act like it is... 99.9% of guys will back me up there... if he didn't like you, he wouldn't be with you.

Its about #1, variety, and #2 the fact guys are hardwired to be visual. We genetically, have a predisposition to like seeing naked women (or guys for the gay ones).

He isn't comparing you to anyone... and its actually good that that every women don't look exactly alike.

Guys can like blonde's, brunets AND redheads... they can like small medium and large breasts at the same time... they can even like White, Asian, AND black women.

And look at it this way... watching porn with him... you can watch all sorts of different guys too, and get ideas for new things you might like to try you never thought of. Works for me AND my wife...

And if you have been having an attitude around him about this... I guarantee you, it might be the reason he's pulling away from you... Guys REALLY hate being told what we can and can't watch... and we really hate being nagged about it... and besides al of that... if you have self esteme issues... you have to deal with them yourself... and not push blame for them on other things... thats exactly the same as dealing with a really serious infection on your arm by wearing a long sleeve shirt rather than dealing with the infection itself. To deal with the problem you have to acknoledge your problem and deal with it. And if you are blaming it on other things your aren't dealing with it.

If you can't feel good about yourself... nothing anyone else can do will change it

[slapshot_oi]

Do I confront him again even though it hasn't worked in the pass?

I would normally suggest "no, you shouldn't", only because you've been down this road before. But, since you've been snooping, I think, yes, you should confront him one last time. Get it off your chest, tell him how you feel. But, do not make any demands this time. Just use this opportunity as a therapeutic catharsis. That's it, nothing more.

After this, stop snooping!

Do I stop looking at his history?

It's going to hurt every time you find a porn site in his history; stop torturing yourself!

Or do I just forget about it an try to get over it.

Yes, move on. I don't know of any guy out there, in a relationship or single, who doesn't look at porn. I think it has since been accepted as a usual plight for a girlfriend.

This is the correct course of action. Once your nerves settle down, you'll be able to make sounder judgements on your boyfriend's intentions and how he feels about the relationship. Right now, when you tell us that "it's a affecting your sex life", I have a hard time believing this is the case and, instead, it's just reaction, because, you sound so hurt by this.

I do see where your coming from, women are sensitive about these things, and he's not doing a great job at hiding it from you. So, I won't accuse you of being selfish, but I will accuse you of self-masochism by trying to find out information that you know is going to hurt.

[Cat1864]

Its starting to effect my sex life cause he will watch it rather than have sex with me. An I don't feel as turned on knowing he's watching ex gf sites an teen sites with girls that are hotter than me. An I don't know if I can watch it wit him. I feel really uncomfortable about the way my breast look an I dont like looking at my bf looking at woman with better looking breast then mine. :( an saw I do watch it with him, will it help him stop watching it so much or every single time I'm not home?

You are pushing each other away.

He looks at porn and you know it so you get upset (reasons don't really matter at this point) and back off because you don't feel as sexy so he turns to porn... and the cycle repeats.

Your breasts are your own and unique to you. No woman has better looking or worse looking breasts than you do because we are all different and that is part of what makes them great. It's like comparing two different apples. The apples that look the closest to identical are the ones that have been genetically manipulated for generations until they are extremely close to being fake (like the characters in porn.)

Do you enjoy romance books and movies with male characters who give your libido a little kick and start your imagination building fantasy worlds? That is what erotica in all of its many forms (including porn) does for a lot of people.

If you don't masturbate, I encourage you to start. For women it is a great way to learn about our own bodies and learn to find ourselves attractive. If we love ourselves then that translates into confidence which is one of the sexiest things a woman can wear. It can also help you find what turns you on and can help you develop fantasies to share with your boyfriend.

Talk to him about his fantasies. Understand that watching porn is like reading a romance. It just appeals to the more masculine desire to get to the point instead of the feminine desire for character and plot development. However, there is more and more porn geared to the 'female' viewer. It might be something for you to check out as a couple.

Stop shutting each other out and communicate. Work together instead of making demands.

[nitelight198073]

Me and my boyfriend watch porn together, gives us some new ideas and it is fun to get turned on together. If he watches it by himself I reap the rewards later if you know what I mean lol

[Fr_Chuck]

I agree watch some together, first remember * both remember* this is not real, and most adults can not do 1/2 of the things they do. But they can lighten things, make things fun and give some great ideas of role playing, if you have not been the naughty school girl, or he has not been the police officer ( or you the police women) making a traffic stop, you have no lived.
** well in my book anyway.

Play games, go out to a bar or someplace, and let him pretend to "pick you up" using all those corny lines and so on.

[Whitetigerkitty]

You should be allowed to tell him to stop, especially if it is bothering you.
If he cares, he will stop because it bothers you.
Not all men need porn to be truly happy. You sound like you want a relationship with a man who doesn't need it.
My boyfriend does not watch porn and I know this because I am with him most of the time and know where he is when we are separated (its not because I want to know or be with him 24/7 either lol. I ask for my space). He lets me know what's going on while I am at school and tells me almost everything about his life because he has accepted the fact I'm just extremely curious about different things.
An honest relationship is good if it is serious enough and you will both have to talk if he will accept the fact he can not do this anymore or you will have to accept the fact he has to "be a guy"
Hopefully this kind of helps or gives you an idea or a different perspective. I have been in my relationship for a little over a year too, and he is 23 atm while I am only 19. You may say I have not had my share of experiences. Well, maybe I have not to certain extremes, but this is just my experience with a guy who I believe knows how not to disrespect me and accept what I disapprove of.

[Cat1864]

You should be allowed to tell him to stop, especially if it is bothering you.
If he cares, he will stop because it bothers you.
Not all men need porn to be truly happy. You sound like you want a relationship with a man who doesn't need it.
My boyfriend does not watch porn and I know this because I am with him most of the time and know where he is when we are separated (its not because I want to know or be with him 24/7 either lol. I ask for my space). He lets me know what's going on while I am at school and tells me almost everything about his life because he has accepted the fact I'm just extremely curious about different things.
An honest relationship is good if it is serious enough and you will both have to talk if he will accept the fact he can not do this anymore or you will have to accept the fact he has to "be a guy"
Hopefully this kinda helps or gives you an idea or a different perspective. I have been in my relationship for a little over a year too, and he is 23 atm while I am only 19. You may say I have not had my share of experiences. Well, maybe I have not to certain extremes, but this is just my experience with a guy who I believe knows how not to disrespect me and accept what I disapprove of.

I sincerely hope your relationship is as good as you think it is, but I caution you to look at how restrictive and controlling your relationship appears to be from what you have said here.

To the op, neither of you should dictate to the other person what is or is not allowed in the relationship. If you cannot communicate and work together to find a compromise, then don't try to bend him to your will. In most relationships such behavior ends up causing major issues. Either work together or get out before negative emotions take over.

If you have to know what your boyfriend or husband are doing every minute of every day, then there are insecurity and trust issues in the relationship. Like grains of sand in water, it may take awhile but the doubts will wear away at the patience and love in a relationship.

Good luck to both of you.

[smoothy]

You should be allowed to tell him to stop, especially if it is bothering you.
If he cares, he will stop because it bothers you.
Not all men need porn to be truly happy. You sound like you want a relationship with a man who doesn't need it.
My boyfriend does not watch porn and I know this because I am with him most of the time and know where he is when we are separated (its not because I want to know or be with him 24/7 either lol. I ask for my space). He lets me know what's going on while I am at school and tells me almost everything about his life because he has accepted the fact I'm just extremely curious about different things.
An honest relationship is good if it is serious enough and you will both have to talk if he will accept the fact he can not do this anymore or you will have to accept the fact he has to "be a guy"
Hopefully this kinda helps or gives you an idea or a different perspective. I have been in my relationship for a little over a year too, and he is 23 atm while I am only 19. You may say I have not had my share of experiences. Well, maybe I have not to certain extremes, but this is just my experience with a guy who I believe knows how not to disrespect me and accept what I disapprove of.

You are 19... wait a few years... at your age you may not think twice about totally subjugating yourself to someone else's whims... even at 23... but as you mature you gain understanding NOBODY has to bend over backwards to appease another... and eventually you will resent someone else telling you what you can and can't do... who you can and can't see.. etc... and this works both ways with both genders. By the time you are 30... you are he will get royally ticked that someone would even try to do that... because you eventually learn to appreciate and want your own space. That is because if you are in the right relationship... you will be happy with them as they are.

I've gotten through 20 years of marriage this way... we don't tell each other what we can and can't do... thus we have developed no resentments towards each other. ( and trust me we each have certain things the other doesn't like) But you lean to be more accepting... and understand everyone has minor things you won't like... you accept them with the things you do like about them. If the things you don't like overwhelm the things you do... time to wake up because you are with the wrong person.

Because trust me... there isn't a perfect person drawing breath on this planet.

[dabomb]

I am going to give you some fairly candid information about your question, because I feel that I have a fair bit of knowledge in this area.

I'm a guy who used to have a habit of looking at porn too. I quit about 2 years ago... right about the time that my girlfriend dumped me for it. She discovered the porn in the web address bar on my computer and ended things the next day, no questions, no discussion. It devastated me. But in the end, she did me a favor. I was using porn as a crutch, and it was increasingly defining my sexuality and how I looked at her and sex, etc.

The problem with porn is that it becomes addictive. It becomes almost a drug because it gives a guy a high or a rush to look at it. But just like a drug, it begins to require more of you as the years pass. What used to turn you on isn't enough anymore, and you need something dirtier or more raunchy. For many guys, they get to a point where they can't even "get it up" without looking at porn. Some of them require their wives/girlfriends to do all kinds of things that they aren't comfortable with in order to fulfill their newfound appetites. Porn also changes the way that men view women and what they find attractive. After a while, the only thing a guy finds attractive are women who are under 100 lbs. with FF breast implants, fake eyelashes and bleach blonde hair. Most women in the real world can't compete with those airbrushed porn girls. It's no wonder that they don't find any real satisfaction with their partners anymore.

Take this problem seriously. It's already affecting your relationship and it will get worse.

[JudyKayTee]

I am going to give you some fairly candid information about your question, because I feel that I have a fair bit of knowledge in this area.

I'm a guy who used to have a habit of looking at porn too. I quit about 2 years ago....right about the time that my girlfriend dumped me for it. She discovered the porn in the web address bar on my computer and ended things the next day, no questions, no discussion. It devastated me. But in the end, she did me a favor. I was using porn as a crutch, and it was increasingly defining my sexuality and how I looked at her and sex, etc.

The problem with porn is that it becomes addictive. It becomes almost a drug because it gives a guy a high or a rush to look at it. But just like a drug, it begins to require more of you as the years pass. What used to turn you on isn't enough anymore, and you need something dirtier or more raunchy. For many guys, they get to a point where they can't even "get it up" without looking at porn. Some of them require their wives/girlfriends to do all kinds of things that they aren't comfortable with in order to fulfill their newfound appetites. Porn also changes the way that men view women and what they find attractive. After a while, the only thing a guy finds attractive are women who are under 100 lbs. with FF breast implants, fake eyelashes and bleach blonde hair. Most women in the real world can't compete with those airbrushed porn girls. It's no wonder that they don't find any real satisfaction with their partners anymore.

Take this problem seriously. It's already affecting your relationship and it will get worse.

You are speaking about yourself and your addiction to porn. You cannot and should not speak for the rest of the World.

I don't know how many people watch porn every day but I'd venture a guess that the vast majority are not addicts.

"It's no wonder that they don't find any real satisfaction with their partners anymore." What?

If you can't tell the difference between air brushed and real that's your problem.

[amandark22]

I HATE porn. Point blank. Nobody is going to change my opinion about it. Just a couple days ago these pics of previewed websites uploaded in Iphoto. Some were just random pics but then I saw websites of porn sites. This is when I started to look more at the pics that were getting uploaded. My boyfriend lied about it time and time again. I told him I was going to leave, and guess what, he finally tells me the truth. I just want honesty in my relationship. We have been together for 5 years now (and I am just finding out that he watches it). And I am 16 weeks pregnant (and my body hasn't even gotten bigger.) I don't work. I am home all the time. But yet he still watched porn when I was just in the other room sleeping (waiting for him to come to bed.) I want to be the only person he wants to see naked and to get him off by. I feel betrayed. I see comments time and time again saying for girls like me to just get over it. But honestly I don't think I can. It bothers me so much it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to marry someone who does it. And I don't want to have a family with someone who does it either. So the problem isn't me, its him. He is the one who needs professional help, and if he doesn't I am seriously leaving.

[JudyKayTee]

I HATE porn. Point blank. Nobody is going to change my opinion about it. Just a couple days ago these pics of previewed websites uploaded in Iphoto. Some were just random pics but then I saw websites of porn sites. this is when I started to look more at the pics that were getting uploaded. My bf lied about it time and time again. I told him I was going to leave, and guess what, he finally tells me the truth. I just want honesty in my relationship. We have been together for 5 years now (and i am just finding out that he watches it). and I am 16 weeks pregnant (and my body hasn't even gotten bigger.) I don't work. I am home all the time. But yet he still watched porn when I was just in the other room sleeping (waiting for him to come to bed.) I want to be the only person he wants to see naked and to get him off by. I feel betrayed. I see comments time and time again saying for girls like me to just get over it. But honestly I don't think I can. It bothers me so much it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to marry someone who does it. and I don't want to have a family with someone who does it either. So the problem isn't me, its him. He is the one who needs professional help, and if he doesn't I am seriously leaving.

And this is you and your opinion. You cannot and do not speak for the rest of us. Once again you feel betrayed because you want to own him.

For starters you and this man are not committed to each other.

If you are sick to your stomach and pregnant, yes, the best thing you can do for you, your boyfriend and your baby is the "seriously" leave.

On that I agree.

[Cat1864]

I HATE porn. Point blank. Nobody is going to change my opinion about it. Just a couple days ago these pics of previewed websites uploaded in Iphoto. Some were just random pics but then I saw websites of porn sites. this is when I started to look more at the pics that were getting uploaded. My bf lied about it time and time again. I told him I was going to leave, and guess what, he finally tells me the truth. I just want honesty in my relationship. We have been together for 5 years now (and i am just finding out that he watches it). and I am 16 weeks pregnant (and my body hasn't even gotten bigger.) I don't work. I am home all the time. But yet he still watched porn when I was just in the other room sleeping (waiting for him to come to bed.) I want to be the only person he wants to see naked and to get him off by. I feel betrayed. I see comments time and time again saying for girls like me to just get over it. But honestly I don't think I can. It bothers me so much it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to marry someone who does it. and I don't want to have a family with someone who does it either. So the problem isn't me, its him. He is the one who needs professional help, and if he doesn't I am seriously leaving.

While I understand your feelings concerning porn, I think your larger issue is open and honest communication with your partner.

This goes for anyone in this situation and the op, be open with your partner about your likes and dislikes. Look for compromises where both individuals can get their needs met without causing damage to the relationship or each other. Do not go into discussions on a subject with an 'it's me or the door' attitude unless you are ready to walk over whatever the issue is.

If you cannot listen to partner's needs and discuss options because your feelings are extremely strong, then leave and find someone who honestly shares your ideals. Trying to force someone to see things your way will only cause problems and damage your relationship. Telling someone that your opinion means more than theirs is controlling. It is one thing to stand up for your beliefs and to want your opinion to be heard. It is another to not listen to the other person.

If you can't at least tolerate the other person's thoughts and opinion, then leave.

[astong]

I am going through something similar right now. My boyfriend of 3 years likes to look at porn. I definitely have a lot of insecurities about my image due to having 2 children but I know my boyfriend loves me for me and is crazy about me and my body(which to me is absolutely revolting). I know he looks at porn too and I have only mentioned it twice, he knows I don't appreciate it, don't like it , it makes me feel not good enough and inadequate but realistically... there aren't many men that don't look at porn. Men are men. And if he can't get a boner or anything to have sex with you then that's a problem. I have learned to just accept it. He explained it to me like this... men are visual (duh) they get an instant sexual satisfaction that releases dopa-mine (the good feeling) without anything else. Its quick its easy bam its done. They (at least mine told me) don't fantasize about the woman herself it's the act they are doing the image the concept, not her. They get off and ideas off the act. These women have no clue who our men are, our men come home to us (at least you would hope so). Try acting out his fantasies for him. Let your inhibitions down to satisfy him. Every person is into different things, that doesn't make it wrong (unless its like illegal or whatever) Porn is hard to escape and in our society its always going to be there. It's a temptation and he's not going to stop. As long as my boyfriend still loves me, can have awesome sex with me while focusing on me, and doesn't go else where and it doesn't start interfering with day to day life... watch what you want. Its not for me personally, but I guess I can kind of understand where the men are coming from. If he didn't want to be with you he would have left. When you love someone and you have that connection and chemistry you have to learn to understand your incompatibility, nobody is ever going to find the 'perfect' person. We all make mistakes and do things that one another don't like. Unless is is significantly effecting his day to day like and your sex life, seriously. Then that's a problem. Normal women can't compete with porn stars or the trashy girls that put photos of themselves out there thinking that they are porn stars. But guess what? We have something called personality. And being controlling and trying to tell a man what he can or can't do will make him feel pressured, trapped, resentful and stuck in a corner which then they will go elsewhere to find what they need. Take the first step... give him what he wants and you'll get what you want, that's how this crazy game between men and women is... good luck!

[CravenMorhead]

I am going through something similar right now. ... blah blah blah... how this crazy game between men and women is.....good luck!

This has to be one of the most enlightened responses I have read in a while. You hit it all pretty much on the head. As revolting as you think your body is, you man loves every jiggly bit of it.

[astong]

This has to be one of the most enlightened responses I have read in a while. You hit it all pretty much on the head. As revolting as you think your body is, you man loves every jiggly bit of it.

Thank you. I'm young but definitely have been through enough to figure out this game of love. Think like a man act like a lady... not the book... my motto. Haha

[Guessler]

Was reacting to the "expert" who made the comments about fantasy play and recreating scenarios, like pretending to pick your significant other up at the bar. I didn't reply correctly apparently.