[user1101]

I am a gay guy and I have been in an 8 year relationship with a guy who has always (and still does) struggle with the fact that he is straight but can't understand his deep love for me. He has good reason for this struggle and confusion because he identified as straight deep in his heart before we got together, always has, and still does, but says he fell in love with me 8 years ago and doesn`t understand why. He struggles constantly with his feelings of being a straight guy with full sexual attraction for females but says he ended up falling in love with me and has remained with me for the past 8 years. Those 8 years have been a roller coaster of emotions for him with the struggle of his straight orientation pulling him to be with a female and have a family, yet he feels trapped in a loving relationship with me and can't seem to ever have inner peace about it. We are so much in love and he can't imagine spending his life without me. He says he could never imagine himself ever being attracted to other guys or ever wanting any sex with any guys but ME because he truly feels straight in his heart and that I am the only male that attracts him and he has no other desires for men in general, just ME. He struggles with the fact that he knows inside himself that he is a straight man with love and sexual attraction for me as an individual, but no other attraction to males in general whatsoever. During the entire length of our relationship he has used porn to satisfy his sexual attraction for females while having a very fulfilling sex life with me to satisfy his attraction to me. He says he would have no problem admitting he was gay if he truly was, but he says he is a straight guy who is in a personal hell of not knowing why or how he fell so deeply in love with me and has maintained a loving, emotional, physical and sexual relationship with me for the past 8 years ? He and I both have struggled together for him during these 8 years to better understand it. We have even tried parting ways for him to pursue a lifestyle and a family with females. It worked perfectly for him in that way as he suspected, and was successful with a female... but he missed me and grieved over our love so deeply that he came back to me, and made a vow to remain with me always in our relationship, but he is still struggling with the emotional confusion of his love and sexual attraction for me as an individual male, while simultaneously being pulled by his straight orientation and attractions for the female gender. He stays so emotionally torn due to this and he sees no way out of these tormenting thoughts and cannot seem to find peace inside himself with anything regarding this feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can anyone shed some light on how a straight guy can fall in love and be attracted to only one person of their own gender and not that gender as a whole, yet still feel and identify as a straight guy attracted to the entire female gender and he feels in his heart is straight indeed but can't quite understand this personal hell of it all? He suffers constantly with depression and anxiety from this, but loves me so much he can't end our 8 year relationship even if he tries, but says he just doesn`t feel complete. TOTALLY LOST HERE ?

[kcomissiong]

Just my opinion, but people aren't attracted to and falling in love with genders, they fall in love with people. I think that a great deal of his struggle comes from his need to identify himself as either gay or straight. I don't see a need for people to fit neatly into one category. Why does he need so badly to find a label that fits him? If you want children, you can certainly look into surrogacy or adoption, his choice to be with you doesn't end his opportunity for a family.

My bigger concern is that you are devoting yourself and your life to someone who isn't sure about you. He doesn't need to make a choice between gay or straight, he needs to decide if he is committed to building a life with you. If he can't be truly happy in a gay relationship and he knows it, he is using you, and it isn't fair for for you to have to live with his doubt.