[hopping_crow]

Here's what happened. I've been in a very loving relationship for 5 years. We were both coming out of bad relationships and in retrospect, should have been single a little while before jumping into this one. I've always considered myself to be a very non-jealous boyfriend (I don't keep tabs on her when she goes out and don't freak out over male friends) and the possibility of an open relationship has been discussed, although never really decided on.

Anyway, on new years eve, I had to work while she went to a party. She began to flirt with a guy she's known for years and they made out. She told me about it the next day and I felt no jealousy, I found it kind of funny and we both laughed about it and got into a further discussion about what, if any, our limits are with other people. I told her that I wasn't jealous and that I couldn't see how what she did with someone else would affect how we felt about each other. I really felt this at the time.

A few nights later, she went out again with the same group of people and ended up going much further with the same guy (not sex, but about as close as you can get, hands were involved from both parties). She told me about it the next day and I told her it was fine. That night however, I couldn't sleep more than a couple of hours, I was haunted by visuals in my head of another man's hands on her body and her enjoying it. When she woke up I told her that I was having some issues with this after all.

Neither of us was angry at the other but it was an emotional morning. She told me that she never would have let it go any further if I hadn't given her permission. She swore to me that it is purely physical and that she has no emotional attachment to this guy whatsoever. I told her it was okay and that I would just have to get over it being that I did give her permission and she hadn't done anything wrong.

I spent the next two days depressed but letting it go. She came to me soon after and said that she is still very physically attracted to him and does want have sex with him. We got together when she was 19 (she's 24 now). I was 21 at the time. Neither of us has had many sexual partners. And I know she sometimes regrets not staying single for at least a few months after her last relationship to get some craziness out of her system.

I told her I had to think about whether it was okay with me if she had sex with him. She assured me that she won't even entertain the notion of doing it if it is going ruin anything between us. After a couple of days, I told her that I'd rather her not do it but I can deal with if she feels she has to although it may mess me up for a while. She really doesn't want to hurt me but I really want her to be satisfied and not have regrets or resent me later on for holding her back. I also feel very responsible for this because if I had just told her on new year's day that I wasn't okay with her making out with this guy, she would have been able to put him out of her mind much more easily than she can now, being she's already had sexual contact with him.

I fear that this subject has already changed our relationship somewhat but we are both terrified of losing each other over it. Do I have any right to demand that she not go through with it now? Do you think she'll resent me later on down the road if I do? Any advice is appreciated.

[450donn]

Regardless of what our society wants to tell you sex was designed to be between two people in a monogamous relationship. It was never designed by our creator to be between Jack and Jack, Jill and Jill or Jack and Jill and Jane. You have to make a decision. Is this girl the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? And she needs to make the same decision. If either of you answer no, then it is time to break it off and move on.

[JudyKayTee]

She isn't getting the craziness out of her system. She is sexually attracted to another man.

Would I share my partner? No.

But that's me. I fail to see the love in your relationship but I do see a lot of pain. I don't know what your threshold of pain is.

Maybe she has some need to give you the details and watch you squirm. Maybe she thinks love is fueled by jealous.

Maybe she's just sexually indiscriminate.

Keep in mind that she brings any STD she catches home to you.

[smoothy]

Both the previous posters said it well.

It sounds to me, like she's not ready to settle down with you.

If you both had the sort of relationship you should have at five years... she would never have considered doing that.

There isn't any normal woman would let her guy do that with another woman (well, not many anyway), And neither would most guys.

After all, if she gets pregnant, and that possibility ALWAYS exists not matter what protection she uses... you could easily be in a stitutation of having to find out WHO the father is.

And 5 years into a relationship, your have the right to expect more than you are getting from her.

[Synnen]

You are not comfortable with it.

That's the bottom line--PERIOD.

You do not have to give her the freedom to have sex with others if you are not comfortable with it.

I've seen polyamorous and open relationships work VERY well--but it's all about communication, trust, honesty and the fact that all people involved are comfortable with it.

Do not "let" her do this. You WILL regret it, and it WILL destroy your relationship.

And please--people can be sexually attracted to other people when they're in relationships. The do not HAVE to give in to that attraction and have sex. If she feels that she HAS to do this, then you need to break up, because the two of you don't have the same idea of what your relationship should be anymore.

[smoothy]

You are not comfortable with it.

That's the bottom line--PERIOD.

You do not have to give her the freedom to have sex with others if you are not comfortable with it.

I've seen polyamorous and open relationships work VERY well--but it's all about communication, trust, honesty and the fact that all people involved are comfortable with it.

Do not "let" her do this. You WILL regret it, and it WILL destroy your relationship.

And please--people can be sexually attracted to other people when they're in relationships. The do not HAVE to give in to that attraction and have sex. If she feels that she HAS to do this, then you need to break up, because the two of you don't have the same idea of what your relationship should be anymore.

Exactly... I see people I'm attracted to all the time... so does my wife... we can joke with each other about it. (when she points one out my usual line is "bah, he doesn't do anything for me".)

Sounds like she is emotionally VERY immature. When you mature you learn you don't HAVE to chase after everyone that turns you on. Like Synnen said... I see a lot of heartache with this "girl" and I do say "girl" because she's not acting like woman.

She's not a cat in heat after all. But she's acting like it.

[Cat1864]

I am going to go in a slightly different direction. I don't think either of you really know what you have or want in the relationship. I see two people who have been existing one day at a time instead of building a monogamous future together. You say that you have talked about having an 'open relationship' so on one level your relationship hasn't been fully committed to just each other. She seems to be the first one to find someone she finds stimulating.

The excuse of being young and not having many partners or not taking time to 'get the craziness out of her system is just that an excuse. If you were both fully committed to each other, then it wouldn't matter how much or little experience either of you had before getting together. Have you been committed to each other or to being in a relationship?

I can't see that you have any room for making demands. I do think you need to sit down together and be completely honest with her and yourself about your feelings and what you want in the relationship including for the future. Listen to her and her needs. Make certain you are both wanting the same things in life and the relationship. I would suggest ending any discussion of having an open relationship by accepting that it is not something you can handle after all.

Ignoring it or trying to sweep it under the carpet will only create more problems. If there is a major difference in your needs, perhaps the relationship isn't as strong as you once thought it was and you would be better off ending it now.

[talaniman]

and the possibility of an open relationship has been discussed, although never really decided on.

The issue is right in front of you NOW, and its time to make a decision, so stop the waffling, and excuses and be bluntly honest, tell her a resounding NO!

If she can't abide by it, then she ain't the one. You should have said NO after the making out crap, and set boundaries of good behavior that YOU are comfortable with.

I wouldn't give a rats patoot who she had the hots for, I DON"T SHARE!!!

[smoothy]

The issue is right in front of you NOW, and its time to make a decision, so stop the waffling, and excuses and be bluntly honest, tell her a resounding NO!

If she can't abide by it, then she ain't the one. You should have said NO after the making out crap, and set boundaries of good behavior that YOU are comfortable with.

I wouldn't give a rats patoot who she had the hots for, I DON"T SHARE!!!

Well said... I'd have handed the little tramp her walking papers within 20 minutes... and trust me I actually have with one back when I was in college. She literally had to watch me every day with a new girlfriend... and I was so pi**ed at her I never spoke a word to her again, despite seeing her twice a day, 5 days a week for over three hours a day for the next year. (we took the Bus to and from college). And Damn did that ever upset her.

That's one of the few things I can hold a grudge over for decades. Its been thirty years... and while I'm still ticked about it... I might talk to her now if I bumped into her, as unlikely as that event would be. Besides... I'd wager a nice chunk of change... my wife has aged far better than she has too. And me to for that matter. But that does really count as rubbing her face in it, doesn't it.