[summer89]

At the start, I feel the need to apologise for my English as it is not my first language.
Me and my boyfriend got engaged few months ago. We are together for nearly a year, but we are very committed to each other. The problem is, that my fiancŽ has got a very charming and flirtatious personality. Well, it is what made me feel in love with him :) though it is also what makes all the women to go crazy about him. At the beginning of our relationship, there was a girl who clearly was trying to get between us and was doing everything to get close to my boyfriend (texting him, chatting to him, calling him, asking him to meet without his girlfriend-her actual words and constantly trying to talk to him at parties etc even when I was around and he was so not interested with talking to her that he was walking away). The problem was, that it caused a lot, a lot of problems between us, since somehow he couldn't tell her to stop doing all these things. Well, he loves attention that women are giving him and I think actually he really liked it, but couldn't put himself in my shoes and try to understand that he is making me jeleaous letting her still be friends with him. Although I confronted him about this many, many times-he still couldn't handle the situation properly. Which probably made her think that she has a chance. Finally, after during one chat message, when she insulted me because she was angry that he doesn't want to be meet her or talk to her, he cut off every contact with her. We also went through endless fcb messages, hearts on his wall, texts and calls late in the morning from many of his 'female friends'and believe me, I was patient, talking with him endlessly until it stopped. Now, I'm just very sensitive about the 'new female friend subject' having in mind also our recent holidays in his country, when I had to deal with endless amount of girls that he slept in his city and who were bombarding him with flirty messages and whenever they saw him he was stoppng (even when I was with him)to have a 'friendly' chat. Of course, in his language that I didn't understood, what was just making me feel even more stupid. He could have been just polite and at least talk in English. After our holidays we came back home and then after few months I went to my country to visit my family. He promised to call me every day (he even had free calls to my country) but after 3 days and only two texts from him asking how am I, I called him aking why he isn't calling me. He told me he was busy with work , etc. Ok, I understand. He called me few times during my week stay in my country and I came back again to him. On the night of my arrival, when we got home, at for a.m he got a text message. I know I shouldn't, but I had a feelling, so I took his phone, I didn't wanted to read the message I just wanted to see if the sender was a girl. It was. Apparently a girl from his work, that he told me 'was a complete idiot', but apparently isn't a complete idiot now and texting him about how many orgasms he had so far. What? I was angry and hurt, that some girl from his work that I haven't even met is texting him this at for a.m! He later explained him, that they talk a lot about sex and that he told her that his girlfriend is coming back tonight. Ok, so far, so good. But I told him, that it's so innapropriate for him to speak with some girl about our intimate life when I don't even know her and that whenever. He got mad, but then agreed. I hope it was honest. Apparently, when I wasn't there, another girl from his work, who just started working with him was chatting a lot with him, asked him to hang out and go shopping (just the two of them) and then he asked her if he doesn't want to go out for drinks with him and maybe with his friend. What? Also, he didn't tell me this, but accidentally opened a chat window while wanting me to show me a complete different things. Maybe I'm exageratting, but I didn't expected that when I came back from my holidays. I never put him in a situation like this, never went to meet anyone behing his back and I always keep a distant between my work colleagues and my private life. I have lots of friends, also male friends (I introduced them all to my boyfriend and we hang out together) but everyone knows their boundaries. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend never lied to me, I trust him, love him and we do have a great relationship. It's just this one thing-he and the 'girls' I totally don't mind him having female friends as long as he was just friends with them before me. But I don't think that we need new, opposite sex friends since we got together. I mean, I think it's OK, you work together and it's OK when you finish work and go out together as a group to have a drink or something, but I think when you see someone 5 days a week, you talk and spend time (he works as a bartender so there is some fun time while at work)you don't need any other contact. I talked with him about it lots of times, but he just can't keep boundaries and stop being so flirtatious. He changed a lot for me, because he knew he had to, if he wants to regain control over his life (there was some drugs and alcohol and constant party and when we meet I told him it needs to stop if he wants us to get serious, so he changed and is always saying that he doesn't know where he'd be if he wouldn't met me). I love him and I don't want to argue or making him feel like I'm taking away his freedom or so, I would just like someone to give me an advice how to handle all the above situations. I got the impression, that he doesn't see how women react on his 'open personality' and that mpost of them take it as an invitation to come closer.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry but this is more of a blog than a question and far too long and complicated to read thoroughly.

If his behavior where other women is concerned upsets or worries you you need to talk with him openly and honestly. Maybe you are insecure (as I said, this is too long and complicated and maybe you just needed to "get it all out") OR maybe he is acting in an inappropriate fashion. You can't control what other women do, say and/or text and e-mail. You can make him know you are unhappy with the way he handles things. He then can make a decision whether it's him or them.

Charming and flirty is one category. Inappropriate is another.

Did I read you believe he is disclosing details of your intimate relationship to other people? Not acceptable behavior. He's discussing orgasms with some other female? Of course, finding things like this out is a consequence of snooping.

He sounds very young and/or immature. You say he changed for you. I'm not so sure that's true.

You admit he loves the attention, he apparently isn't willing to tell anyone that he just plain isn't interested, he knows you're upset because you've told him so - and you STILL think you have a great relationship?

Sorry - this is only going to get worse. Anyone who has to "change" to be with you is probably not worth being with.

[summer89]

I should be the one who is saying sorry, because you are right, my question was far too long. It is the first time that I'm going 'on line' with my problems and generally I don't speak too much about my personal life (only with close friends), but yes, I needed to get it out and ask someone who isn't involved with any side.

I do agree with everything what you said. Sadly, love is blind and sometimes you don't want to hear some things, that are obvious.

Your reply exactly describes what's been circulating in my head since some time. I just didn't wanted to admit it.

Thank You!

[JudyKayTee]

I certainly would TALK to him before giving up. If you decide to stay with him I'd wait a long, long time before marrying him to see just what's going on here.

And I wouldn't even tie myself to him for a long time if you have the feeling he isn't being honest with you. Prince Charming could pass by while you're "busy" with this guy.

You know, I've met a charmer or two in my life. We all have. Sometimes we get lucky and move on.

[summer89]

I will talk to him simply because I'm not completely ready to give him up.

I know that love isn't everything these days and that a woman certainly needs to love with her brain too.

Wouldn't like to jump into marriage with someone having doubts about his honesty and definitely this case needs some waiting time. I think he is a bit of a bad boy but with a good heart, an Italian heart, if it gives you a more clear view,(shouldn't operate with stereotypes but in his case, these stereotypes are a bit true)but still there is some talking that needs to be done.

What I learned in the past is, that I will never be able to be happy with anyone if I will not be happy with myself and my needs being respected and satisfied(and I don't mean it in a selfish way).

And yes, we've all been there. Many times.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm actually married to an Italian charmer - yes, I know exactly how it works. First time he "charms" anyone but me there will be a big problem - for him.

He does know how to shut off unwanted attention, as do I.

I'd continue to express my concerns. Hopefully he'll hear you.

I was a costumed cocktail waitress - yes, "charming" leads to tips but it has to end there.

Let me know how things are going.

[ivette777]

I am not going to say you are right or wrong but honestly I am married and if my partner acted that way towards other people I would be very upset and insecure as well. I mean you have to have self control when being jealous but I feel he is giving you reasons to feel that way. Private sex life should be kept private because women/men do not get what respect is for engaged/married/or just a regular couple. Talk to him and say it is best to hang out with women when I am around or just spend weekend nights with you hanging out. Its OK to be jealous but take control OK? Good luck.

~ivette~