[Danno123]

I am 58 and I recently was reunited with my childhood sweetheart after 40 years. First I would like to say that I have been happily married to the same woman for 37 years. I found my childhood sweetheart through classmates.com. I had posted a message and after a long period she contacted me. She is a recent (one year) widow. The emails started as usual with what we were doing for the last 40 years and all about family. It didn't take us long to start remembering our last evening together when we were 17.
We actually were in elementary school together and I had to leave the city I was in because my parents got divorced, I left without really saying goodbye or an explanation, it was that fast. We met again while we were in high school whe nI had to return for a funeral, we started writing back and forth and then we had our last meeting at 17, and never saw each other again.
There was a reaction that we never thought possible, it just sort of snowballed. We talk all the time via email and by phone, and have become very good friends and confidants. We can tell each other just about everything, we are , pardon the cliché , soul mates.
She doesn't in any way want me to leave my wife, because she does not want to be the one resonsible for a breakup. We are both torn about this and would really like to see each other, but since we are about 10 thousand miles apart, it seems impossible.
I would like to know if there are any others out there with the same situation and how they deal/dealt with it.
There's a lot more to this but don't have the space.
Thanks for listening.

[talaniman]

If I can't let my wife know what I'm doing then I don't do it.

[chuff]

Let me preface this with I've never been in your situation. But it sounds like your living on memories and fantasies of what could have been as opposed to what really is. I think that's normal and that most people do it. I do it for just about everything but I don't let it dominate me which is what it sounds like both of you are doing. Let's be honest to she's a 58 year old grieving widow. That's not the same as the 17 year old high school girl who doesn't know anything about life. It appears your both caught up in this but she really has nothing to lose and everything to gain and you've got everything to lose and nothing to gain. Personally, I think you should end all contact again and let this chapter finally end.

[ordinaryguy]

I'm not sure you need to end all contact, but you sure do need to slow the train down and take a reality check. It's a damn good thing there are 10,000 miles between you (or, maybe not since it allows fantasies to run longer, unchecked by reality).

I'm two years older than you, so I have some appreciation for the stage of life you're at. In astrological terms, it's your second Saturn return. Saturn takes just under 30 years to make a complete orbit of the sun, so the period around 30 years of age, and the one around 60 are major transition and reassessment points. Symbolically, Saturn represents the function of limitation, focus, foundation, structure, discipline, restraint and such. All these aspects of your personality and situation are likely to be up for review and reassessment in the next three or four years.

If your marriage was on a shaky foundation before this, it will either get shored up and repaired or it will disintegrate. If it was solid as a rock, the shaking may open up cracks that you didn't know were there. I speak from personal experience on this matter. My marriage is also in a testing time. I'm thankful not to have a childhood sweetheart to complicate matters, but I still have plenty to deal with. I guess the main thing I would suggest is to think of her as a symbol of what needs to be considered and decided, and not the thing itself. Whoever she is now, it's not who she was at 17, any more than you are. For all the sense of reconnection and rediscovery, you are still strangers to each other in many ways, and the long-distance nature of your relationship accentuates the mysterious and unknown. I'm sure it's all very thrilling, but your real business is with your wife, your children, and the life you've built over the last 40 years. If that falls apart, this person may or may not be in your future, but in any case, you can't blame her for it, and you can't expect her to help you pick up the pieces.

[talaniman]

I have been in this situation several times over the years though not quite like yours. I guess what irks me the most is your doing all this behind the back of your wife of 37 years. I can see bumping into an ex of 40 years and being excited and wanting to talk over old times. I really can. But to think at your age you are actually trying to stoke a long dead fire with someone from the past is crossing a boundary that has to be honored. Take away the numbers this sounds exactly like the other posts here of people who cheat and the dumb excuses they give for doing it. Its worse in your case as you are far more experienced in life and willing to throw that life away for someone you haven't known in how many years? Even though you click now how long will this last when the newness has rubbed off and reality sets in? As the young upstart has pointed out to you, you have a lot to lose and she has everything to gain, and just think what do people our age want most, companionship and grand kids and security, she probably has grand kids so what's left? Wake up, it was a nice fantasy and change in the routine, but let get back to reality and go home to the woman with the proven track record of loyalty, and stop being a silly old fool who has been thrown back in time.

[Danno123]

I figured I would get answers like this. I am not a silly old fool and this is definitely not a fantasy of mine. This woman is not trying to break up my marriage , she is helping with getting it back together. You are all quick to judge, but you overlook personal feelings and deep rooted love.
I am not about to leave my wife and family over this but I will continue this friendship , that's a given. I have to see how some of you are rated "relationship experts". Great gig.

[talaniman]

Exactly what did you come here looking for Danno, obviously your mind was made up and from the way you wrote this post you are going to cheat on your wife of 37 years so I think you got everyone opinion, so before you down people for not agreeing with you pursuing this lost love, you should see the picture you painted for us to comment on. We all agree that what your doing is not above board and dishonest as its behind your wife's back. No one has overlooked your feelings only your honesty to your wife. And as you have read no one here is going for that. If it where a healthy friendship you would have no problem letting your wife know what's going on, so think about that as you make your quick judgements on our opinion, as you are overlooking your own honesty. Or dishonesty as it were.

[Tuscany]

Wow Danno-
I have to say that I don't think that anyone here is being harsh. But they might be saying things that you are not ready to hear. I agree with what everyone has said. If you cannot tell your wife of 37 years about the friendship, you obviously feel guilty at some level for what you are doing.

There are different forms of cheating... you don't have to sleep with someone to be unfaithful. You can be unfaithful emotionally as well. It sounds like that is what you are doing here. Don't get me wrong I think that it is great that you found an old friend. But going about it in this manner is not helping your marriage in the long run.

[chuff]

I figured I would get answers like this. I am not a silly old fool and this is definitely not a fantasy of mine.

I didn't see where anybody called you're a silly. I didn't see where anybody called you old. I certainly didn't see where anybody called you a fool. In fact I didn't see where anybody called you anything. I guess when you don't get the answer you want you start making others to be the bad guys though.

If this is not a fantasy what is it? It sounds like fantasy. Let me check again and see what YOU wrote, that I read.

I found my childhood sweetheart thru classmates.com. I had posted a message and after a long period she contacted me. She is a recent (one year) widow.

How great. She's single and your looking. Sounds like fantasy. Let's see what else YOU wrote.

It didn't take us long to start remembering our last evening together when we were 17.

So your stuck on one night 40 years ago. Sounds like fantasy. Did you stop there? No YOU wrote this.

There was a reaction that we never thought possible, it just sort of snowballed.

Snowballing emotions from a woman you haven't seen in 40 years. Like a movie. Movies are fantasy. Seriously this sounds like a Mel Gibson movie I saw maybe 10 years ago. Don't know the name of it and I'm not going to IMDB.com to look it up but it had this same plot. It wasn't real though. It was a movie.

We can tell each other just about everything, we are , pardon the cliche , soul mates.

Soul mates. Fantasy.

This woman is not trying to break up my marriage , as a matter of fact she is helping with getting it back together.

I know she's not trying to break up your marriage because you said this in your first post……….

She doesn't in any way want me to leave my wife, because she does not want to be the one resonsible for a breakup.

So she doesn't want to be responsible but if you should divorce or just be available for a fling she's got no real problem with that. But when that fling wears off she doesn't want to be blamed for a break up. After all you are soul mates.

You are all quick to judge, but you overlook personal feelings and deep rooted love.

NOT ONE of us judged you. NOT ONE. Nobody here called you anything or made any personal judgments against you. But I'll tell you this, you are silly old fool if you can read those posts and say that we judged you or your situation. I went out of my way to point out in the first sentence that I never have been in your situation.

Well I'm judging you now and I think you wanted us to collectively say “oh yeah this is okay and perfectly normal and we encourage you to move forward in this direction and your wife won't get hurt and you will be so much happier with this woman who you would have spent you life with had you parents not got divorced.“

If you want that answer go to fantasyhelpdesk.com If you want the truth or the at the answers that we deem to be true by what you write then you got the right place. It's funny how we were all consistent in our answers but we don't know what were taking about. Here's a thought. Maybe it's not us.

I am not about to leave my wife and family over this but I will continue this friendship , that's a given. I have to see how some of of you are rated "relationship experts". Great gig.

I'm not an expert just a guy that was trying to help out another guy. I'm sorry your too ignorant to accept or even consider the view from an outsider with no emotional attachment. Maybe your own opinion about yourself, being a fool wasn't so far off after all.

[shygrneyzs]

Can you spell in-fa-tu-a-tion? That is what this most likely is. A happily married man remembering a sweet time in his life. No fault there. But to allow it to snowball? Some fault there and this old flame is just as guilty. NO, I am not saying you are having a physical affair but you are obviously having an affair of the heart.

Tell your wife - don't hide it. Maybe she can go online and find her old romance and rekindle her past memories too.

[Ash123]

Danno,
Hang in there buddy.
You still there?
What you are experiencing is REAL.
It's not a fantasy. Your feelings are being felt for one reason or another. Human connections do not go away. That's the cool part about being human. I am sure you could pick up a conversation with her without missing a beat. Time moves but our souls wander on in a continuum. Okay, that may sound a bit new age, but just hang with me a few more sentences. This could actually be a POSITIVE experience.

If you and your wife had been separated for many years (i.e. your plane crashed on a desert isle 15 years ago and you just were discovered) and then you were reunited, you would have a lot of lost time - but you could pick right up like it was yesterday. Time is meaningless once we're connected. And the same as with this woman from your past, it would have been a positive and heady experience.

Ths new woman is still 17, and beyond... and going back there is pretty meaningful stuff. You will always be connected - at her present age too.

The thing is you might not need the drama of making this into an emotional affair?

Can the excitement of being 17 and feeling the rush of another soul be ADDED honestly and publicly to your present life? (I would guess that's why you feel guilty and are writing. It's tabboo.) Perhaps she can be an addition rather than a distraction. In other words, can you introduce her to your wife and say - I met an old friend. It's funny after all these years - what memories! (I'm not talking about an open marriage or a threesome or a lie) -

Try it as a mental exercise: Simple Honesty.
She and you may gain from the experience of sharing something vital.

Consider that something good may have happened here. If you love your wife and she loves you I think this could be enhancing. Your old friend was always there. You just turned on the switch. She will always be there. A soulmate is a good thing. Perhaps though, she has flaws like the rest of us and if you are less fearful, this reality perhaps will also make it easier to consider her a friend.

As far as EXPERIENCE (as you requested) in this regard, I can tell you that my mother has some old boyfriends who still email her and it hasn't derailed their marriage. My father too... Again, if you love your wife I would not be afraid to broach this. It is new and startling - and it is REAL. But don't let the reality turn you paranoid. Love or soulful connections are wonderul. They don't have to be insidious. Anyway, consider this amid what I'm sure is a rush of emotions right now. It will work out. Things generally do.

I am just one of many voices, but there may be something positive here. If she is an honest person and respectful of you and your wife. You should be too. Decide if an old friend is a good friend.

If it is simply too much to stand to be honest or comfortable anymore - consider talking to a pro in person.
(They may address the need to have contacted the class website, while happily married... )

[Danno123]

Ash, how old are you? You don't have to answer, but this has been the best advice I have seen. I have thought about telling my wife about this and I will as soon as I think it through some more and able to have her full attention. My wife had an intense relationship with another woman about 10 years ago, I'm not talking about a lesbian relationship here, at least I don't think so, but it really ate her up emotionally to the point of being sick. She is now over it, Ithink, but I need to talk to her about it to see why I wasn't the one she was having these intense conversations with. Then maybe she will understand the relationship I am having now. Thanks for the response.

[Allheart]

Hi Danno,

I think you are VERY wise to think this all through before speaking with your wife about “finding your lost love”.

You really need to ask yourself some questions:

1) Why is it not your wife that you refer to as “soul mate”?
2) It’s nice that you can confide in your lost love, and talk about anything; can you also do this with your wife?
3) Is there any area of your marriage that may be even the slightest bit vulnerable?


Danno, I ask these things, as there is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, one that your wife knows about. But you do have to be honest with yourself, as to the level of actual friendship that exists. A statement such as “There was a reaction that we never thought possible, it just sort of snowballed:” can indicate entering a very (to steal a phrase from Val) "slippering slope".

You may also need to be prepared for the possible questions that your wife may ask:

1) Did you love her?
2) Why did the relationship not work?
3) How and When did you the two of you start talking again?
4) How do you feel about her now?

If, she suspects even a hint of the fact that you are hiding anything, such as, how long ago did you two start talking, this may get off on the wrong foot.

Danno, I really get the sense that you are having some internal struggles with this. It may be you are struggling all for nothing and this could work out all nicely, once you tell your wife and perhaps the 3 of you someday meet.

The one thing that does concern me, is I am of a believer that your spouse should be your number one confidont. Sure there are things that we tell our friends, but I have a feeling, you have shared things about your marriage, yes good, but I am more concerned if you shared the troubled areas as well, with this lost love, and I am not too sure that is a good thing nor do I think that is fair to your wife.

The only thing I do caution you on, is if there is any void in your marriage, that your lost love is filling, you may want to give your full attention to the void in the marriage, and put “I want to be friends with my lost love” on the back burner.

I do wish you all the best and truly do understand your struggle. I more than understand how something like this can pull you, but keep your head above water, and do some serious thinking before moving forward.

[blueshadow_393]

I think you should still be friends with this women. That's all, friends. I also think you need to tell your wife about her, mabye have you three go out to diner one day. Instead of having this be an exclusive relationship between you and this other woman, you need to be open and honest with your wife about her. Try to make her a family friend, not a well kept secret.

[Ash123]

Re: "Ash, how old are you? You don't have to answer, but this has been the best advice I have seen..."

HA! Well, you get what you pay for :-)

Anyway, thanks Danno.
I am "old enough to know better, but young enough to still do better..."
The thing is - there is always a back story. Which may aid in helping. An online forum (for better or worse) can help quickly, but a therapist would ask more, so getting to the whole story quickly is tough... so info can help :-)
The info about your wife shines another light on this. Thanks.
Communication is not platinum at home but feelings are - so, there is hope if you cross that divide into communication and vulnerability.

People arrive online in a moment of desperation. Their life is on fire and this a firehose to put it out.

The thing is - the source of the fire is not quickly known... and putting it out may take a little effort. A pro would spend time getting deeper so the answers will be uncovered. So, inlieu of that, I think you probably felt abandoned 10 years ago and the fact that you still do not know (perhaps afraid to know) the facts is telling. It is by noo means the answer and excuse for this "emotional affair" but it certainly is part of the picture. We can go our whole lives without proper communication. NOW is your chance. Perhaps this reuniting with an old classmate is the key to the next stage in your life. You sought it out for different reasons. Not just an affair. Less fear and more personal joy. Many men would prefer to fight a fire than share their deepest feelings. In our minds, feelngs hurt worse than a fire any day. Especially since we do not know how we will be judged. My guess is you'll be judged OK.

In time, do talk to your wife about her affair, talk to her about your new friend. Take your time. If things get jammed up use a pro counselor if you want. You might be surprised - especially if you go in with the intention of BOTH coming out with an even BETTER marriage - how fun it may be. And it will not take that many weeks :-)

You are a bit jealous of her past. This new woman may make her a bit jealous. Perhaps this new woman fills a hole that other woman put in you by challenging your marriage dynamic. Hard to say.
Anyway, the main this is to consider this might be a positive experience for you (new feelings for both of you) and respectfully acknowledge this person to be introduced. Trust your intuiton. You all have made it through a lot. Enjoy what comes next.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

[andy2659]

What many of you do not realize is that a Lost Love is one of the possibly strongest loves there is. This is not a fantasy, but the real thing. Anybody interested in the subject should review the work of Dr. Nancy Kalish whose website is lostlovers.com. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty years doesn't make a difference. This is the real thing folks.

[s_cianci]

I've never dealt with your situation but I'll say this, you're married, so other women are off limits, even old loves from 40 years ago. There's nothing wrong with a short, occasional e-mail to "catch up" on things but leave it at that and nothing more.

[s_cianci]

If I can't let my wife know what I'm doing then I don't do it.

Had to spread it but this is very good.

[andy2659]

I've never dealt with your situation but I'll say this, you're married, so other women are off limits, even old loves from 40 years ago. There's nothing wrong with a short, occasional e-mail to "catch up" on things but leave it at that and nothing more.

We are not talking about duty, honor or commitment to a spouse, we are talking about love. All I said is that the love of a person from your past may be something far from a fantasy if that person was and remains the one and only true love of your life. If you are very fortunate, that person may also be your spouse. But oftentimes that person is not your spouse. Those are the facts. How a person handles these facts is a value and moral judgment for each individual. But if you go to that website you will realize there are not a small number of people who are torn between commitment to their spouses and the love of their lives, oftentimes from forty or so years ago.

[andy2659]

""Skell disagrees: What about the love between man and wife??""

If a people are fortunate, the love between man and wift trumps all else. But we live in reality not fantasy, and oftentimes, husband and wife don't even like each other let alone love each other. What is interesting from the research however is that even if people are happily married, a former lost love can sometimes end up destroying long time marriages.