Check out some similar questions!

leasac · Feb 13, 2007, 09:10 AM

We have two kids 8 and 10; our next door neighbors have 3 kids: 7, 9, 11. In the past, they have played a lot together with minimal altercations. Recently, however, we noticed some bullying behavior from the neighbor's kids to my youngest child. One evening, my husband caught them in the act of verbally bullying our son. He did not raise his voice or yell but quized them about what was going on and told them that their actions were "not cool." A couple of days later, their kids told our kids that they were not allowed to play with them anymore because my husband "got them in trouble."

This ban has been going on for over 2 months now. I think that the parents should have at least talked to us about this first before implementing this ban. Perhaps we were wrong for not involving them in the first place but it wasn't like my husband "went off on the kids," he basically just stopped the mean play. Now there's this cold war going on between us.

What should we do? Should we try to initiate a conversation--I feel like that's what THEY want US to do or should we just go on living the cold war.

J_9 · Feb 13, 2007, 09:36 AM

I think this is something that you need to discuss between the adults. Admit to them that you were wrong in your actions if you feel that you were.

It would have been better, honestly, to have just called your kids inside and left the situation alone until you could discuss it further with the parents. I know I personally would be a little uncomfortable if someone else were to discipline my children (I have 4), but it did not sound as though he was indeed disciplining them. But what they went home and told their parents, only they know.

You should kindly discuss this with the parents openly.

robynhgl · Feb 14, 2007, 05:51 PM

And I feel just the opposite. Maybe it's the way I was raised, in a neighborhood where everyone knew each other and we, as kids, respected adults.

I've always been cool with the parents of my children's friends correcting them... if they're standing right there and I'm not around, tattling to me after the fact did nothing to stop the behavior at the time. I know my kids aren't perfect, I also know that I respect the parents of their friends' enough to know that I can trust that they will do the right thing by my kids--and it's nothing they wouldn't do about their own. (Okay--I DO make sure I KNOW the parents of my children's playmates.)

The neighbor kids probably told their parents that they got in trouble and your husband said something to them. If they are 'banned' from playing with your kids--it may have NOTHING to do with your kids or your husband. That may be the neighbor's way of punishing their own kids. I have 'banned' my kids from each other, when all they want to do is fight, argue or just mess with one another. I will tell them they are NOT to speak to one another. Trust me--they can't stand NOT being together--so it is a punishment and they actually treat each other nicer when they are back together.

You want to make things better---plan a little get together for all the kids--something fun. Everyone has a video camera--have the kids get together and make some sort of movie and then have them all over for a screening. You'll get to know the other kids' parents better, they'll see that you're decent people and good parents and the kids will benefit the most. You don't know how great it is to know that you live in a neighborhood where all of the people look out for your kids--and they do it because they know and like your family.

Just my take on it.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 14, 2007, 06:12 PM

First of course talk to the other parents, but why admit you did something wrong when you did not. If neighbor kids are in my yard they can expect to be told to behave properly and even sent home if they are not.

And it could be that the kids thierself don't want to come and the other parents have not even said anything, you are only hearing what the kids are saying, ask the parents,

But in the long run, if parents don't want kids to act properly, I would not want them over anyway.

shygrneyzs · Feb 14, 2007, 06:59 PM

I would contact the parents but I would not any apologies for correcting bullying behavior on my property. Who knows what all the children said to their parents? I would think any concerned parents would have already contacted the other parents to discuss this. If it were me, I would have called my son's friends and asked what really happened.

Sometimes though it just needs some time to back off and let it go. I have found that children mend their fences more quick than their parents do. If these children do not want to come over and play because they do not like being called on for their behavior - that does not appear to be a loss there.

Guess I grew up where everyone could parent each other's child - if we were wrong we heard about it right then and there AND again when we got home. The parent network was alive and well. I am not talking about being spanked or things like that, but the line of appropriate behavior was definitely drawn.

ghost56 · Feb 27, 2007, 10:33 AM

I agree with some of the other replies, it surprises me that the other children's parents didn't contact you to find out what had gone on. I also agree you shouldn't apologise if you are not in the wrong. You could try a tactic I once used, (our son was accused of bullying) we didn't know what story to believe. We called round at the other kids house with our children and both families sat dowen and asked in front of the kids what had happened (they seem to find it really hard to lie, when the others are their to confront them). It turned out the other child had actually been bullying my son for quite a while and my son got caught when he retaliated, they both revealed that they both wanted to fight it out, so we took them in the yard and let them fight it out under supervision, they ended up laughing and have been best friends ever since. So if I were in your shoes, I would call round when you know their kids will be there and take yours along, tell the parents you want to sort out this disagreement between you both and tell them what you plan to do. If they don't agree, then they are clearly the type of parents who will always blame someone else for their kids behaviour. As previously said, you don't know what they have said to their parents. Good luck. I hope that helps.

J_9 · Feb 27, 2007, 10:38 AM

Now I think people were misreading my answer. I did not feel that it is necessary to apologize to the parents unless they were indeed in the wrong. Without an open discussion with the neighbors, it is hard to determine if in fact Leasac's husband was in the wrong.

As I stated, we don't know what the children told their parents when they went inside. The children could have made up any story. So, no need for an apology there, right.

I think both sets of parents need to sit down and discuss this out in the open, they may be surprised what they find out.

lacuran8626 · Mar 4, 2007, 10:19 PM

When other kids come to my house to play, I consider it my responsibility to supervise all of the children, as the only adult present. I am nice to all the kids and don't put them in time-out or anything like that, but if one is saying something that's unkind to another, or is doing something against my rules, I put an end to it. If they will not repond to kind verbal corrections, I will come up with a reason that they have to go home without humiliating them. If the kid is particularly troublesome, I'm very direct though like, "Jeremy, I told you twice that we are not playing video games today and you turned them back on, so now I have to ask you to go home until tomorrow." I have only taken that measure maybe once or twice and my son, who has kids over constantly, is 12. Some of these kids don't know the meaning of the word "no" at home, but they all behave at my house because they know I mean what I say, but I also make it fun, so they still want to play here.