[xxMarinesoulxx]

I'm a teenage girl who wants to die. I think I'm relatively normal. I have A's. I always have. School has always been important to me. I actually plan to go to a prestigious dental school to become an oral surgeon. When I was in the 6th grade, (I remember this), people told me to be less annoying. I don't know why I was called that, I just knew nobody was on my side. I had no friends. Then I entered the depressive stage. I didn't like to talk, and teachers and students knew this wasn't the real me, so they told me to be my "real self." I tried that, and nobody liked my "real self" because I joke around, and when they joke around amongst themselves it's OK, but when I do it, I just "embarass" myself even more. In addition, I get called a whore, a slut, annoying, a *****, and so much more. Mind you I have never kissed a boy or had sex in my entire life, so I don't know why they call me that. All I know is that I have convinced myself that I am those things because everyone calls me that. I've grown used to being called these things. When I try to socialize and be nice, it always backfires: I say "Can I play volleyball with you guys?" and they inch away like I'm a freak. I'm shy around my peers because I cannot relate to them. I am open and make a great host when it comes to 40 year olds because I can reason with them. But when I'm at school, I'm a freak show. People look at me funny and they don't realize that I've been homeless two times and though I'm "blessed" with good grades, my life is miserable. I put on a happy face so I don't get sent to the office to be mentally examined. I pretend I'm O.K. And thus is our problem. I'm not O.K. And I'm trying to cry out for help yet no one hears me. People say I have a hard life as it is, but they don't realize what they do to me when they call me these things. I have nowhere to turn to because nobody believes me. I just want to die, but I am a devout Christian. It is contradicting that I feel this way while I believe in the kingdom of Christ and that there is a happy place when I die. I want to go to that place. It's called Heaven and I want to go so bad. Help me please. Nobody has ever helped me before because I'm not a human, I am a weird kid who won't go far.

[joypulv]

Hi. I am struck my one thing in what you wrote here: no mention of your family at all. Tell us what it's like at home. Do you feel loved there by even one person?

[xxMarinesoulxx]

No. I don't.

[Tonyr1084]

While others may have criticism, let me try to be helpful. You don't tell us your age, so it's hard to have truly good advice. I'll try several approaches: First, you may be a teen around the age of 13 or 14. I'm a father of five girls, my baby is now 24, so I've had a little experience with hormonal changes that kids go through. That may be the answer to why you feel like this.

I'm not trying to minimize your situation rather, I'm attempting to point out that these things will change. Probably at your age your memory of the hard times you've been through may be affected by these hormonal changes. What was a not so good situation when you were younger can easily seem like horrible things. I'm not saying you didn't have those experiences, and that's not what this is about. You want help.

You mention being Christian. OK, I'm not, but I can respect your beliefs. Nevertheless, hoping to better your life by destroying it is a HUGE mistake. There are NO guarantees there is a heaven, and there are no guarantees that you will end up there. I've spent over 20 years studying the bible so I have an idea about what I speak, I'm not totally ignorant to the issues. One passage in the bible says there is no consciousness in death. To me that doesn't sound like ending up in heaven (or hell).

So how do you proceed? For starters, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You will grow and you will change. The way you deal with people will also change. If people don't like you right now, they will soon enough. But I also find that people who go around blowing a horn ahead of themselves saying their life is miserable - well, it tends to put people off. Again, if I'm right about your age, your peers are not yet mature either. Their actions and conduct can be expected to reflect ignorance of life. They search for ways to control life around them because they feel otherwise not in control. One way to exercise control is to control other people. Calling them names and making them angry or cry is a way of feeling empowered. They do that to make themselves feel better, even if it's at the expense of another person.

You allow them to affect your life, that's why they do it. SO WHAT if they think you're a BlTCH. It's only their opinion, and what do they know? You (and I) know you're not that person. So go on being yourself. Just don't go around looking sad; it makes you a target.

A little personal history: I was a straight A student; graduated two years ahead of my classmates, valedictorian, maintained a 4.0 GPA through college and got my degree. Most of my school friends only wanted to ride my coat tails (get a free ride). Aside from that I heard "GEEK", "BOOK WORM" and lots of other things, sometimes not so wonderful to hear. It bothered me quite a bit too. I even went through depression at that age too. I handled my depression in two ways: First, I had long talks with adults (some of my closest friends parents). Not my own parents, for some reason I didn't think they would understand, or I feared they may lock me away because I was a mental defect. The other way I helped myself was by writing my feelings on paper. That did two things: One was to help get those feelings out, the other was that after I wrote them I could destroy them by tossing them in the fireplace and watching those negative feelings disappear. OK, you don't have to burn them, but you can tear them up and throw them down the toilet.

When writing what you feel, it doesn't have to be "Right" or "Correct" or anything else. It just has to be your feelings. To this day (over 40 years later) I still remember one entry I made, it was the F word. Over and over and over I wrote it in big bold scribbled words till I filled five pages. After writing it I felt better. In fact, that was the start of my writing what I felt. Even to this day I will, "Journal" as they call it, what I'm feeling. There are times it helps. It helps me let go of those feelings an helps me forget them.

Depression is a part of life. Unfortunately as you grow you will discover that it never completely leaves. So you will have to learn how to manage it and cope with it. Until then, you have my sympathy. I'm sure you don't want that, but it's nice to know that others have successfully dealt with depression.

However, sometimes depression may be a result of other causes. Such causes can be chemical in nature, others can be post traumatic experiences. I won't go into detail about any of that, but if you can't manage your depression conventionally you may need to seek professional help. No, I'm not a Doctor. I AM a PHD in engineering. Just one more sign that you can get through this hard time and be successful in life.

By the way, my wife of nearly 37 years and I have a great relationship. Even though I was called all kinds of names when I was young, life can still turn out well. Just don't go jumping into something without thinking it through fully. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things WILL get better. I promise.

")

[xxMarinesoulxx]

Thank you a lot. Suicide isn't an option for me because I will go to hell. I'm sorry but I believe there is a heaven and hell, good and evil. I guess when I get older I will be a little more wise that I am just smarter than everyone else. I have never been able to socialize with my peers, yet I am happy go lucky when I am with older people. Thanks for opening my eyes. I've got a life to live and I don't plan on wasting it.

[Tonyr1084]

Am I right about your relative age?

[joypulv]

(I wonder who clicked Unhelpful?? Wasn't me!)
Anyway, PLEASE tell us more about your family. There are a lot of clues there that I for one want to hear about. I was like you in some ways and not others, and a lot hinged on an unloving mother.

[awesomagic]

You're not a bad person, just different. After reading your question I found that your grammar is perfect, which is unusual in our electronic age. Okay, so you're different. So am I. There are a multitude of people who don't appreciate me simply because I'm not just like them. You are experiencing the very same thing, so be cool with that. Other people don't have to appreciate your life for your life to be worthwhile.

I'll put it to you in simple terms: I'm weird, and that is what makes me special. People go to great lengths to ignore me... until death comes knocking at their door. Then I am solid gold to them. You have a specialty - a gift that no one else has seen yet. When you find your gift, and develop it, then others will see you as solid gold too. Trust me, you'll be fine.

[baldskullcap]

Everyone has problems. U just have to work them out. Not always easy.

[Lifeiscrap]

No one DOES care. The WORLD is . Trust me. I am now 38 and none of that has changed in my life.

[Lifeiscrap]

Apparently edited out choicer words

[Nikki7347]

Hi I am in 6th grade and I am in a similar situation as you. People seem to hate you and think you are a complete freak even though you did nothing wrong. People bully me greatly and call me nasty names. I too have thought of killing myself. I just thought everything has to end, why suffer. I was definitely wrong. Life is a great thing but think of it this way everything that goes down has to come up at some point. So right now you may be heading a bit down hill, but it will get better. One day you will be looking back saying that you are so happy that you are alive. I too am going through a rough patch, I mean my boyfriend I suicidal, my mom has mercury poisoning, and I am constantly bullied by everyone for no reason. If anyone is mean to you tell them to look at themselves. Everyone has flaws. You will be successful and happy and everyone who was ever mean to you will envy you, and wish that they had all your courage to ignore people and their nasty comments. Honestly you just had a hard life and were bullied as a kid only because whoever bullied you is insecure about themselves so they need to put you down to make themselves feel better. I know people can be mean and thing may seem bad but I can promise it will get better. Honestly you sound like a very kind, smart, and promising person. I am not even a teen yet but I have good points. I tried to kill myself once when school got so bad and I was constantly being beat up and found out my boyfriend is suicidal. Trust me life is precious, you don't want to throw it away when it gets hard. I don't know how old you are but since you are a teen I can relate to you. Your life matters, don't just throw it away.