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    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jan 3, 2012, 04:00 AM
    Marriage Under God
    I am 16 and my boyfriend is 17, almost 18. [I am not asking for legal issues, we have been dating over a year so we are fine with the law and all that] My question is how can we become married in the eyes of God [we don't want to live with each other yet, as we are still with our parents, and we don't want to be legally married just yet], we just want to make right our mistakes and sins.

    We have been sexually active, and I was a virgin before, so according to a few sources I have looked at, that makes me his wife and property in the eyes of God? We have decided to ask for forgiveness and to abstain until this issue can be fixed [I was saved several months after we had become sexually active, and he was saved a while ago but just recently renewed it properly, both caused by each other].

    Please help! We don't want to sin in fornication, but situation doesn't allow proper legal marriage, and we don't trust ourselves to be able to abstain until that would be possible, so we are looking for a different path if there is one.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #2

    Jan 3, 2012, 04:44 AM
    This is a very interesting question. But I'm afraid you are not going to like my answer. If you believe that sexual relations outside of marriage are a sin then your relationship needs to be sanctioned by a priest or minister. Otherwise any couple can just say to each other that they are wed to justify their sins.

    I found a good article on this here: Married in God's Eyes | Boundless Line

    However, my opinion is that what really matters is how you feel about each other. Religious marriage is about making a commitment to each other and depending on your denomination, that commitment must be ever-lasting.

    Having said that, I think you are too young to be making such a commitment. There are reasons there are laws not allowing marriage at your ages. And having dated a year is really not that long at your age.

    Also, I'm not sure where you get this idea that having sex makes you his wife and property. Having sex CONSUMMATES a marriage it doesn't create one. If you were raped would you consider yourself the wife and property of the rapist?

    No, it just seems to me that you are looking for ways to justify resuming sexual activity. I think you should discuss this with your minister and see what he has to say.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Jan 3, 2012, 05:19 AM
    'Helpful' greenie to ScottGem for words well said. Wish we had the ID notation back on feedback.

    I know of no place in Christianity that says marriage is something bestowed on a couple by God, except insofar as clergy represent God.
    Of course for thousands of years most of the world was arranging marriages. It was all about convenience between families, strengthening land and property ties, and getting dowries for girls. Some of the world is still doing this. It wasn't about sex.

    Trying to make a sexual relationship sanctified is turning the tables; it's marriage that is considered sanctified, then you have sex. (Oh and it was only a short time ago that the birth control debate raged - I was your age when the RC church was blasting birth control because it was having sex without the intention to procreate).
    I agree with going to talk to your religious leader, but be prepared for a talk about abstinence.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    Jan 3, 2012, 08:24 AM
    I am not sure how happy women's lib people will be with you becoming his property.

    But you have it wrong, he has had sex with you.
    So if you want to go Old Testament, which you did,
    He has to now go to your father and pay him for taking your virginity and arrange the marriage.

    Not sure how many goats and sheep it is. But he go to your father and marry you.

    Of course you because you allowed this, could also be stoned to death instead.

    The bible demands you follow the law of your land, and you would have to marry under the laws of the government over you.

    In biblical days, the marriage was the man going to the girls house and taking her back to his to live.

    So if you want a biblical marriage, he comes to your house, takes you home and you don't leave.

    Of course he may go to prison for that today, but that was a biblical marriage. You missed the entire new testament part of the women waiting with the oil lamps I guess.

    So what do you do? You pray and beg God's forgiveness. And you repent, which means you stop having sex. You don't have sex till you are old enough and mature enough to get married properly.
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Jan 3, 2012, 02:25 PM
    Thank you for your input, I appreciate it. I wasn't justifying what the Old Testament said, I was simply repeating what I had heard and what the truth was behind it in this day and age. As far as I know, he has no sheep or goats haha.

    And please, remember that I said we had sex before I was saved, so we know it is a sin and that is why we have agreed to abstain until we can figure out how to do all of this appropriately.

    ScottGem, I was asking for the religious aspect, not the age counseling, in all due respect. I know peoples' opinions on our ages and choices, and I don't care, as this is my life and my choice. So thank you, and anything anyone has to say on the religious end of this question, please feel free to add, as we need all the advice we can. Thank you!
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Jan 3, 2012, 02:38 PM
    Also, if anyone can perhaps give me specific bible verses to look up that backs their opinions, it would be much appreciated!
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #7

    Jan 3, 2012, 02:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Eclipse1220 View Post
    And please, remember that I said we had sex before I was saved, so we know it is a sin and that is why we have agreed to abstain until we can figure out how to do all of this appropriately.
    Good for you! But this just reinforces the impression that you are looking for an excuse to resume sexual activity.

    The way to do this "appropriately" is to what until you can legally marry. That is the bottom line.

    Just so you don't misunderstand me, I wasn't saying you shouldn't remain together, but you are too young to make a lifelong commitment. And Yes, you asked about the religious aspect, but this site is different from other Q&A sites. We don't restrict our responses to the specific question, we deal with the whole situation.
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Jan 3, 2012, 02:56 PM
    Yes, I understand. We have talked about it, and aren't sure what to do. We can legally get married in two years, though because of college and other various things, our original plan had been to wait until afterwards, which might not be for 10 or so years! Any advice?

    Also, not so much as an excuse to resume sexual activity, just that I'm not sure if we can resist temptation that long, so we are trying to figure out the best way to solve this problem. If there is no other way, however, we will find the way to manage.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #9

    Jan 3, 2012, 03:01 PM
    If you love each other, you will wait with the sex. Can you marry and attend the same college or university?
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Jan 3, 2012, 03:04 PM
    -Wondergirl, once I am 18, yes. We both plan to attend the same college and hopefully live together. The problem is his parents would approve, while mine would be adament against it.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #11

    Jan 3, 2012, 03:06 PM
    Marry or just live together? Why would your parents be against it?
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Jan 3, 2012, 03:11 PM
    Well, originally it was just live together, but we can't do that without going back to sex, and I'd rather be married for that. Also, my parents want me to put college and all that before him, though I can do both at the same time.

    We are currently talking, thinking maybe once I turn 18 I can just sit my Mom down and confess up everything about the sex, and our decisions through God [she is not an overly religious person, but should understand to an extent], and that we want to get married. Either she approves, or she doesn't, either case we'd probably proceed as before anyway. Any thoughts?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #13

    Jan 3, 2012, 03:16 PM
    I wouldn't get into all the sex history with her. Many college students have done well as married couples, and, in fact, do better than singles. I'd arm myself with those kinds of facts before going to my mom/parents.

    How long have you two been an exclusive couple?
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jan 3, 2012, 03:19 PM
    Since we started dating, a year and 3 months ago. By the time college comes around, it will have been about 4 years, more or less.
    450donn's Avatar
    450donn Posts: 1,821, Reputation: 239
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    #15

    Jan 3, 2012, 08:31 PM
    By the time college comes around you may no longer be together. I think you are really trying to maintain a sexual relationship and justify it using the bible. Sorry, ain't going to happen. Sex outside of marriage is against all biblical teachings. At 16 you are way too young to know what you really want. Things change really fast between 16 and 20. Maintain your celibacy and see what happens by the time you turn 18. Get your education and go from there.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #16

    Jan 3, 2012, 10:18 PM
    I will agree, do not have sex, if it is against your religious teaching. And just date, see what happens in 3 more years.
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Jan 3, 2012, 11:26 PM
    Once again, with all due respect, I am not asking for age advice. Thank you.

    Bible quotes would be much appreciated, and if people would stop questioning WHY I am doing this. I have done that plenty myself, and I have already given you my reasons. Believe them, or not, but unless you are willing to answer the question I asked and not give me your kind "advice", please don't respond. Once again, in all respect. I appreciate your concerns and opinions, but these are the choices I have made and mine alone. If I am not with him still when I turn 18, then that will be my personal problem and I will deal with it at that time. Thank you.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #18

    Jan 4, 2012, 01:25 AM
    Some of us were trying to explain why this won't be in the Bible. It was written at a time when marriages were arranged as soon as a girl reached puberty, for the convenience of the patriarch and the tribe. Girls were closely watched to keep them virgins, and even examined on behalf of future husbands.

    If Christianity is going to be the basis for your decisions, then you should go with the very simple Honor Thy Father and Mother. One of the singles biggest struggles any young person has to deal with is the choice between your wishes and theirs. They have supported you, and presumably will through college. How much right do they have to tell you what to do? You won't find an easy answer anywhere.
    Eclipse1220's Avatar
    Eclipse1220 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    Jan 4, 2012, 01:51 AM
    joypulv, that makes sense. Thank you. I believe I will wait until a more appropriate time [such as when I am 18], and then I will talk to my mother and Church about all of this, and use their help to reach an appropriate solution. Until then, we have agreed to abstain. It is the best for our honor, our religion, and because it has done more hurt then help to our relationship so it was time for that to end regardless of all this.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #20

    Jan 4, 2012, 04:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Eclipse1220 View Post
    Once again, with all due respect, I am not asking for age advice. Thank you.

    Bible quotes would be much appreciated, and if people would stop questioning WHY I am doing this. I have done that plenty myself, and I have already given you my reasons. Believe them, or not, but unless you are willing to answer the question I asked and not give me your kind "advice", please don't respond. Once again, in all respect. I appreciate your concerns and opinions, but these are the choices I have made and mine alone. If I am not with him still when I turn 18, then that will be my personal problem and I will deal with it at that time. Thank you.
    Once again, I'm afraid you do not understand how this site works. Please don't presume to dictate who can respond to your post and how. Once you post here you open that post up to anyone who wants to respond with whatever opinion they may have. This issue is not black and white, there is no factually right or wrong answer here. So as long as a response does not violate our rules it is a valid response. If there is a violation feel free to report it. If you don't like what someone said, feel free to ignore it. But do not tell us how we can respond.

    You never know when someone will say something that strikes a chord with you. That brings up an issue that you may not have considered. But telling people not to give you advice they think may be important to you shows an arrogance and an intractability that is not good at your young age.

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