[junkaphonic]

Background: I knew this girl for a very long time, and both of us had feelings for each other since we met but neither knew and it was never the right time. She lives in my home town and I'm currently away at grad school. This summer things came together when I was home, and we had what we both thought was a fling. But things developed, and continued to develop after I left to go back to school. We talked every day, sent letters and gifts, and I came home to visit often and she came to visit me. We never put a label on it, and when we started she said that she couldn't really be in a serious relationship, but somehow we ended up in one. We even started using the L-word. She told her friends and family about me, and we decided to be exclusive. A couple of times I tried to lock things down, thinking that she wanted me to take the active role in that regard, but she said no. She said that her feelings for me were serious, but she wasn't ready yet. And yet, our relationship was basically indistinguishable from boyfriend/girlfriend.

Anyway, when I came home for this most recent break she was weird and distant and didn't have much time to see me. We had a little fight about it, and then we didn't see each other for a couple days. And then she broke it off, saying that she must be dragging her feet for a reason (though she doesn't know what that is). It's not fair to keep me waiting, blah blah. We talked for a long time, and she was very upset about it, saying that she loves me but that she, for whatever reason, doesn't feel that she can be in a serious relationship. We bumped into each other randomly the next day, and we talked again. She was very affectionate and upset again, and stressed that she thinks we'll get another chance, but that it's not the right time right now. Both times we talked she seemed very hesitant and torn about it, and both conversations lasted hours because she didn't seem to want them to end.

So, there were and are a lot of mixed signals here. I really have feelings for this girl, and everything about our weird non-serious serious relationship was great. I felt like I finally had my chance with her after years of missed opportunities, and now it feels like it might go to waste. But she's one of those people who believes in "meant to be." I think she's being sincere about her feelings for me and not just doing the whole "nice breakup" routine. Opinions? What's a man to do? (I know, I know, no contact.)