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notsure210 · Dec 29, 2011, 10:13 AM

When I met my husband, he was waiting for paternity results on a one night stand he had seven years ago. This lady was being unfaithful to her own husband at the time and now that she was divorcing him, her own husband asked for a paternity test on this child. The truth came out and this child was my husband's. Before the paternity results came out for my husband, I talked to him before continuing the relationship with him (not a marriage yet). I explained to him that I did not want to continue the relationship if he was going to have a father daughter relationship with this child. I was already accepting him with his three children of a previous marriage only because they were at teenage years. I did not want to have to be caring for a six year old. I feel bad for being like this but this is what I wanted and he agreed that his mother would be the one to care for the child when this child came to visit which is not very often. It seems now like he wants to go back on his word and wants to try to have this child visit our home and spend time with us ( we now have a baby) without even talking it over with me and asking how I feel. I am determined that I do not want to have anything to do with this child that is not mine. I am so embarrassed to introduce this child born to a wh_ _ _ who all of a sudden appeared. We had to introduce her to my husband's family one time and it was so embarrassing to see their faces in wonder of where she came from because certainly she wasn't ours nor his previous marriage. Is it wrong to want to leave this marriage?

JudyKayTee · Dec 29, 2011, 10:17 AM

Originally Posted by notsure210

When I met my husband, he was waiting for paternity results on a one night stand he had seven years ago. This lady was being unfaithful to her own husband at the time and now that she was divorcing him, her own husband asked for a paternity test on this child. The truth came out and this child was my husband's. Before the paternity results came out for my husband, I talked to him before continuing the relationship with him (not a marriage yet). I explained to him that I did not want to continue the relationship if he was going to have a father daughter relationship with this child. I was already accepting him with his three children of a previous marriage only because they were at teenage years. I did not want to have to be caring for a six year old. I feel bad for being like this but this is what I wanted and he agreed that his mother would be the one to care for the child when this child came to visit which is not very often. It seems now like he wants to go back on his word and wants to try to have this child visit our home and spend time with us ( we now have a baby) without even talking it over with me and asking how I feel. I am determined that I do not want to have anything to do with this child that is not mine. I am so embarrassed to introduce this child born to a wh_ _ _ who all of a sudden appeared. We had to introduce her to my husband's family one time and it was so embarrassing to see their faces in wonder of where she came from because certainly she wasn't ours nor his previous marriage. Is it wrong to want to leave this marriage?

No, do everyone a favor and leave. And hopefully your next husband will not be sleeping with w_ _ _ _ s. What is the name for men who have sex with w_ _ _ _ s. I know - it's w _ _ _ _ monger!

- And I'll add that it's ALWAYS a one night stand!

This is HIS child. I don't know how you can put your "embarrassment" before the feelings of a child - but apparently you can so, yes, leave.

notsure210 · Jan 10, 2012, 03:38 PM

This WAS a one night stand. She admitted to it in court. Who exactly would be everyone I would be doing a favor... my husband, and this child?? I also have our child to consider in this decision. "Embarrassed" is what I felt. This wasn't put before this child's feelings. She doesn't know anything. Never have I made this child feel of any less or any other type of feelings.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 10, 2012, 03:55 PM

Sorry, yes I am sure you hope his next wife would not want him to have anything to do with your children if you and he had children. God forgive him for having kids.

Yes, this shows a very selfish, self centered nature and I feel so sorry for your husband ( or future husband.)

Do him a favor and leave him now, he deserves better.

notsure210 · Jan 10, 2012, 04:57 PM

@Fr_Chuck... yes, he deserves not necessarily better but someone who is willing to accept his kids. Accepting someone with kids is hard and it brings problems to the relationship in almost all cases. You can't disagree with that. And my husband had a choice at the beginning of our relationship.

JudyKayTee · Jan 11, 2012, 07:21 AM

I am a stepmother of five - I know all about raising children birthed by another woman.

You knew your husband was having paternity testing when you met and married him. You then proceeded to have another child.

His child with you does not trump his child with another woman.

I'm not buying yourself pity. He had a choice when he met/married you. That works both ways - so did you (or was he holding a gun, which apparently how you prefer to think about things).

This innocent child was born to TWO careless, irresponsible people - maybe neither one of them realized that that's the result of having sex with another careless, irresponsible person.

I'd be more embarrassed that my husband had sex with an acknowledged w____ (your words) than I would about the child. I see a man who went from her bed (without protection) to your bed.

I'd be thinking more about how grateful I am that I don't have an STD than how embarrassed I am because my husband has an out-of-wedlock child.

Cat1864 · Jan 11, 2012, 02:45 PM

I am trying to understand the timing:

He had sex with her seven years ago. She was married and is now (or recently has) going through a divorce. Her 'ex-husband' asked for a paternity test on this child who is six years old.

While your boyfriend was waiting for the test results to determine paternity for this six year old little girl, he met you and discussed this issue with you. During this time, he said that if he was the father he would have his mother care for the child when he has visitation.

Some time in the period between getting the results and today, you marry him and now have a child by him and the little girl is still six years old.

Now, he has decided he wants to be a father to this child who is being treated like a discarded rag doll by most of the adults in her life like he should have been given the chance from the beginning of her life. Keep in mind that this child has recently had the man she would have known as her father essentially disown her even if he is still trying to stay in her life (somehow how I doubt he is.) Did the people she know as her 'family' do the same?

How was your husband's mother going to take care of this child without his family getting to know this precious child? Your embarrassment doesn't ring true unless you thought his mother was going to put the child in a closet and forget about her and your husband and the rest of his family would have little or no interaction with her.

I would suggest you think about your own actions and behavior over this past year before you say too much about the child's mother. In a few months time (less than a year), you have met a man, married him, gotten pregnant and had a child by him (I hope it was in that order.) You didn't exactly give him time to come to terms with the thought of having a six year old child much less the arrangements for her care and upbringing before you had a child with him.

Sit down and think about this: This child is old enough to know everything that is going on around her. She is old enough to know when she isn't wanted or welcomed. You may think she doesn't know how you feel, but I would bet she is very sensitive to your emotions toward her. Adults don't hide 'embarrassment' very well. They also don't talk as softly as they think they do. Walls tend to be thinner than they realize, too. Teenagers also aren't as closed mouthed about what they hear or see and tend to talk among themselves.

How do you plan to raise your child with his half-siblings, the teenagers as well as this child?

If you give yourself a chance, you have the ability to be a guiding and loving influence in her life. You may look at it as taking care of another person's child. But she doesn't have to be. She can be yours if you allow it. Opening your heart to her will not take away anything from your child (or children, you don't mention if you have any from previous relationships) or any other relationships. If anything, it can make the bonds stronger for everyone.

I think counseling might be an idea for your marriage and the immediate family.

anon69809845 · Apr 19, 2012, 02:40 PM

You have every right to leave; although it is good for the child your husband wants to spend time with her, he told you his mother would be taking care of the kid. It is not your responsibility to take care of a child (a LOT of work) in ADDITION to your child AND the children of his you have already taken under your wing. An issue this important he really should have discussed with you, especially if he told you he wouldn't be raising the child. To be honest you should have seen this coming, anyway discuss it with your husband, if nothing changes either take on the burden of this unwanted child or leave