[Nelly1993]

My boyfriend masturbates behind my back, even after we've had sex. He knows how I feel about it but he continues to do it! Last night he made an excuse to get up and use the computer, I caught him masturbating again... I relented and gave him a oral and reminded him he doesn't need to do these things he has me. Not 2 hours later he was up in the toilet doing it again. What do you do? Every time he does it, it feels like he's cheating.

[Wondergirl]

He is NOT cheating. It's a different "feel" when he does it that way, like taking the express train into the city. He knows how to please himself, plus it's fast and easy. The porn is nothing, but simply greases the train wheels.

It has nothing to do with you and doesn't say you did something wrong or not enough. Watch him do this, if he'll let you, and even get involved in it if he says okay. (Masturbate in front of him while he's doing it. Bring along pix that turn YOU on, although if you're like most of us women, pix of naked men aren't what turns you on.)

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to get over it, let him do it in bed watching you then, men masterbate and you have made him feel guilty about it so he has to try to hide it.

He may do it a couple times a day, if he does so what if it is not effecting your sex life.

You are putting unrealistic demands on him and he will either start to lie and do it behind your back or just leave you when he gets tired of your nagging about it.

It is not cheating, it has nothing to do with you. And honestly if you can't get over it, and it is bothering you that bad, I would suggest counseling for yourself to get a better more healthy idea of sex life. I assume that means you don't masterbate now either ?

[Cat1864]

My boyfriend masturbates behind my back, even after we've had sex. He knows how I feel about it but he continues to do it! Last night he made an excuse to get up and use the computer, I caught him masturbating again... I relented and gave him a oral and reminded him he doesn't need to do these things he has me. Not 2 hours later he was up in the toilet doing it again. What do you do? Every time he does it, it feels like he's cheating.

Let's start with masturbation. Masturbation is about an individual's needs. It is a way to get release quickly and without worrying about another person's needs or feelings. It is not cheating. It can be a very healthy way to explore private thoughts about one's own sexuality and needs, both physically and mentally. For women especially, it is a great way to understand what their needs are to be able to communicate them to their partners.

Release/Climax/Orgasm through masturbation for some people is very different than when experienced with a partner. If your sex life is satisfying and you are receiving attention, intimacy and affection, does it really affect you if he masturbates even after sex?

As for feeling like he is cheating, why do you feel that way? Think about how controlling that sounds. Which leads us into: 'I relented and gave him a oral and reminded him he doesn't need to do these things he has me.' That sounds like you are 'punishing' him for doing something many people find natural and normal and 'rewarding' him for doing things your way.

Do you see yourself as a masturbatory aid? When you put yourself in place of his hand when he is masturbating, that is the position you are putting yourself in. Remember that masturbation is about his needs-not yours. His fantasies-not yours. Unless you are getting something out of being used (some Submissives do, but that is a very different topic), then why put yourself in that position? Do you expect him to take care of ALL of your needs? Should he be available ALL the time if you want a quick release and don't really feel up to giving him any thought?

Now, for the most important part of your post: 'He knows how I feel about it but he continues to do it!'

He knows how you feel, but do you know how he feels and what his needs are? A relationship needs communication and compromise if it is going to succeed. A couple should be able to discuss the issues, their individual needs and ways to work together to find a balance. One partner should not be setting the rules for both. When that happens in a relationship there is no balance or any equality. It turns one partner into a parental, boss, or other authority figure.

Don't set yourself up as his mother telling him what he can and can't do. Talk with him. Explain your thoughts and needs without being confrontational or putting him on the defensive. Listen to what his needs and thoughts are. Don't allow yourself to become defensive. If things start getting too emotional, take a break and calm down. Together find ways to compromise. If you can't then this may not be the relationship you need.

[Nelly1993]

Non of these answers are very helpful, I'm getting all thee same things I get from him. Im not controlling him I simply find it very affenceive when he get aroused by other women. I myself find porn very discusting, he knows this and I refuse to watch it. I don't masterbate and never have. I'd rather he came to me for his sexaul needs rather then lock himself in the bathroom emailing and txting god knows who watching porn downloading hundreds of pictures of random naked women pulling himself while I lie in bed crying. Put yourself in my shoes how would u feel if your boyfriend would rather wank then have sex with u it really hurts my feelings. He's agreed to iliminate the porn, and that's all I wanted. I know he enjoys masturbation and I'm not trying to stop him. But I want him to understand my feelings I've been so horny at times and had him reject me to get up and masterbate. Its hurtful and selfish at times

[Synnen]

How old are you both?

[rejected1]

I understand how you feel. A couple years ago me and my boyfriend had a problem with masturbation too. It wasn't as often but he would sneak it and it hurt. Made me feel like he was cheating you know? I came to my wits end and told him I was done with feeling like that. Took him awhile to get fully get it but he stopped and he hasn't looked at porn or done that since. (without me there anyway ;)) goodluck

[JudyKayTee]

Non of these answers are very helpful, im getting all thee same things i get from him. Im not controling him i simply find it very affenceive when he get aroused by other women. I myself find porn very discusting, he knows this and i refuse to watch it. I don't masterbate and never have. I'd rather he came to me for his sexaul needs rather then lock himself in the bathroom emailing and txting god knows who watching porn downloading hundreds of pictures of random naked women pulling himself while i lie in bed crying. Put urself in my shoes how would u feel if ur boyfriend would rather wank then have sex with u it really hurts my feelings. He's agreed to iliminate the porn, and thats all i wanted. I know he enjoys masterbation and im not trying to stop him. But i want him to understand my feelings ive been so horny at times and had him reject me to get up and masterbate. Its hurtful and selfish at times

You are in bed crying, unsatisfied, and he's on the computer (or anywhere else) masturbating?

I'd tell him how I feel (not how he makes me feel) and give an ultimatum - I think if you are that upset it's time for him to shape up or for you to leave.

I think he's abusive and controlling.

I have no problem whatsoever with masturbation and/or pornography - I would be unhappy with the "masturbation and/or porno" without me part.

[Cat1864]

Synnen has requested the op's age so please hold all advice until the op responds with that information.