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SoFruster8ted · Dec 17, 2011, 10:54 PM

I know there are a lot of related and similar questions here, so I know I'm not alone (whew!). Myboyfriend of 4 years does not initiate sex or intimacy. He's not a snuggler/cuddler OR a passionate kisser-- except for only during foreplay, and 98% of the time I initiate it. He even moves his body away if I touch his leg while he's sleeping! I'm a touchy-feely woman, always have been a snuggler. But with him-- I feel like I've sacrificed this part of me and it cuts to my CORE! I can't breathe right now, and lately I've been so angry it scares me! I have told him how I feel, he gets defensive. I've never cheated on him, although I've had some opportunities. This said, I don't even flirt or talk to other guys I may even remotely find attractive because I feel guilty and myself confidence is shot with this man I love. On my own I'm confident, but when I'm with him- I feel undesired, unloved, taken for granted, unpretty, bored, and I can't breathe! What do I need to do to get through to him?

NatuaralThinker · Dec 18, 2011, 06:21 AM

Well it could be a few things. He might fear you become pregnant or he might cheat and feel guilty about it. Also be more direct with him. If all else fail get someone who appreciate you fully.

Kahani Punjab · Dec 18, 2011, 07:38 AM

So Frustra8ted,

Firstly, welcome to this beautiful site!

Do one thing, get a new haircut, new garments, and wear sleeveless outfit, in which your underarms (shave these before hand) are on display to him. Excite him, and he will cling you, for sure.

Good luck!

Cat1864 · Dec 18, 2011, 07:52 AM

Has he always been like this? How well does he communicate and interact when sex/intimacy is not involved? Does he show any affection at all?

If he has always been this way, has he ever been diagnosed with having any medical problems and/or is he on any medications? Does he self medicate with alcohol, drugs, or 'natural supplements'?

Do you know of anything in his past which might have an influence with how he shows affection and attraction?

He may not show affection the same way you do. There are books you might want to look into about how each of us expresses love and intimacy differently. One is titled 'The Five Languages of Love'.

Can you sit down together and discuss your individual needs without it turning into both parties becoming defensive about their needs and how they are expressed? Can you work together to find a compromise?

Understand that he will probably never be as physical in expressing his feelings as you are or would like him to be. Is that something you can live with if you know he is expressing his feelings in his own way? In other words, if you know that his fixing the toaster is his way of saying 'I love you', can you live with him not snuggling in his sleep? If you don't think you can, then it might be best for both of you to walk away. It will hurt, but you are hurting right now with no promise of it ending.

JudyKayTee · Dec 18, 2011, 08:57 AM

You are in a relationship and presumably talk about many ups and downs in that relationship.

Talk to him! I don't think exciting him is the problem. I think you are "touchy feely" and he is not. Maybe you can come to an agreement or understand... or acceptance that you are different.

And a physical exam is always a good idea - plus taking a look at whether he's stressed out over anything.

JudyKayTee · Dec 18, 2011, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by Kahani Punjab

So Frustra8ted,

Firstly, welcome to this beautiful site!

Do one thing, get a new haircut, new garments, and wear sleeveless outfit, in which your underarms (shave these before hand) are on display to him. Excite him, and he will cling you, for sure.

Good luck!

I usually appreciate and enjoy your site - but this answer baffles me.

Excite a man by wearing a sleeveless outfit that shows your underarms?

- Must admit I can't figure this out.

I also don't know that "exciting" the boyfriend solves this problem. I think there's more to it than a new haircut, new clothing, shaved armpits.

- Just my opinion.

JudyKayTee · Dec 24, 2011, 02:18 PM

I'm giving this another kick - this is the second "sleeveless, shave your underarms" answer. I would like to know if it's a different culture, what the allure of armpits is.

450donn · Dec 24, 2011, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm giving this another kick - this is the second "sleeveless, shave your underarms" answer. I would like to know if it's a different culture, what the allure of armpits is.

Definitely a cultural thing. It appears she might be from India.

To the OP. You have given this fella 4 years and he apparently has not changed? So unless you are willing to continue this way, end the relationship and move on. It will only get worse with age.