[rossi1098]

Hey Guys, thanks for all the advice I've taken it all on board and yesterday had a big talk with her...

I pretty much said what you said talaniman... I said that there is no quick fix and that this will take time and I asked her if she's willing to realise that its going to be some hard work and etc, I also told her if it felt like I was pressuring her and you were all right... I was, even though I didn't know it. We talkied about how she said that she can't trust herself, she then went on to say she's always believed we will be together forever and is so mad and depressed at herself for letting it all happen and knowing that she would do that to me... So I've pretty much let it cruise for now, I'm going to let her call the shots, so to speak, and figure out for herself without me in her ear constantly asking her when are we catching up when are we doing this and that until she realises what she wants to do... do you think this approach was smart?

I believe she will come around but who knows...

[vanheart]

It sounds to me like you haven't listened one bit.

Just keep pressing. See what you get? Keep pressing her.

Until she stops being nice about it. Want to wait?

"shes always beleived we will be together forever "

Yeah right. Ive heard that one.

Go back & read your thread a few dozen times.

Then do it again.

"im going to let her call the shots, so to speak.

Good one.

[TrueFaith]

She cheats on you.

And now she gets to call the shots
And has you waiting on her like a lost puppy.

This will blow up in. Your face

[talaniman]

She gets to call the shots for herself, NOT YOU. You should be doing your own thing without her.

[rossi1098]

Wow I really suck at this huh? I thought I was doing what talaniman said... far out I'm retarted...
Just so there isn't confusion, we ARE still together and I still want to be together and so does she (so she says) if I'm doing my own thing without her isn't that worse as we arnt being together and working on US? Is it good to talk about all this stuff frequently with her? "how is she feeling?" should I ask?
She seems to be good at just ignoring me sometimes now.. its weird, we will be texting each other loads and loads and then all of a sudden she stop for a whole day with no sign of "oh i got to go" or anything? Is this rude or is it silly mind games?

[TrueFaith]

Im going to stop giving advice on this one.


You have all the tools and advice in the replies given.

[talaniman]

Words are easy, but actions have to match the words or what's the point? Now you are miffed she doesn't pay you enough attention, and disappears without notice. Why didn't you tell her that? Why assume and presume when you can communicate and get facts? Ya think you are trying to hard, or expect too much? Step back, and look at the facts, and what do YOU see?

Look guy, taking all your time for her is what leads to this conflict. That's where the patience, good behavior, and honesty comes in because truth be told, you are so hell bent on fixing things to your own plan, that you ignore the need to step back, and allow sometime away from the problem to help you.

Now go do your thing, take your mind away from the feelings, and maybe, just maybe you will see something you may have missed that can guide you through this process of reconciliation. Let her come to you at her own pace, and judge for yourself how this will work.

You may say you are together, but you are not, because you are not working together, as there is NO honest communications going on.

Have you even asked her how she wants this resolved? Its telling you both have not agreed on a plan to move forward. So maybe its to soon to be talking, so go do your own thing for a while. Let some emotional dust settle, that's how you back up a bit.

You can't do your thing for one freakin' day without worrying about losing her? Dude, that's messed up.

[rossi1098]

I see what you mean Talaniman, and I have taken your advice and stepped back to try and do my own thing... the problem lies with her reliability see. What should I do if like yesterday afternoon she said that she was going to come and see me today and hang out, OK cool, I left it at that and now it's the end of today and she hasn't said a word to me? Should I just keep going as if it didn't even happen and think of it as nothing or should I say something to her like what the heck you dogged it again haha? Its these scenarios where I have a bit of trouble deciding what's best to say or not say...

[talaniman]

Stay cool guy, listen and pay attention to see if HER words, and actions match. I like the word you use... reliable... it goes nicely with trust. I think its best to say nothing, and see what she says about it. At least that's the way I would go about it, but I also would have made different decision before to be honest.

Having said all that though, don't let her actions/words frustrate you into anything impulsive, get your facts straight before you make a decision is the course I would pursue, and its easy to lose it through frustration, and anger. Stay calm, and don't be distracted by feelings, get the facts, she will either explain herself, or she will not.My point in all this is the decisions you make that guide YOUR actions is what's important, not what she does, or doesn't do.

I think you are going through that stage that always come when there is a big event that has come through your life, and the way through it is not clear cut. You are unsure, but have high expectations. Your trust/faith has been badly shaken, and you want her to give it back to you. Too bad it seldom works that way. You made a decision to take her back, and now you have to make a decision to keep her, or let her go.

Its kind of hard when her words, and actions aren't helping YOU right now make the choice you want. Darn frustrating when you have a choice you don't want to make. Back up, and get a few more facts from HER. No hurry, you both are still dealing with emotional fallout, that was buried, and is now coming out.

By my reckoning, its only been a couple of months. If you are indeed in it to win it, you get facts before you act, not from impulse brought on by feelings. Feelings change, facts are facts. Me, I would be having a great time doing my thing, until she did appear and see what she says. Listen and ask questions, but don't lose your cool.

[vanheart]

The main issue is that you are still in touch with her.

See?

You have got more of the same by being in touch. Haven't stepped back. Or moved forward. Once again.
When you try & make a date. And she blows you off. Cheats you.

How many more blow-offs can you take?

Like I said before, NC.

She isn't going to get back with you. She has already resolved her own thing. (guilt)
She's done.
Not interested in working things out. You busting her chops.

Leave this alone. Move on.

[vanheart]

You can either be with a girl that wants you or one that doesn't.

It really your decision.

The thing to always know, is what you bring.
Who you are.

Recognize what feels good & what doesn't.

Include my previous harshness.

[rossi1098]

Ok cool I think I have my head around this... ummm a little update, I now know (her phone billing still comes to my email) that she constantly texts a guy, I have confronted her about this "guy" she says is just a really nice person with good advice... however she said that he said he likes her (when me and her were broken up, this is not the guy she cheated with, I know this 100%)she said that I should have absolutely nothing to worry about as she doesn't like him, although I feel uncomfortable about it all (figures right?)... so she's texting and talking to this person a lot more than me! Now if I leave her alone fully like Van Heart says, and she's still talking to this guy that likes her, odds are somethigns going to happen with them, am I right?

I should say to her Im really uncomfortable with the situation of her talking to this dude and that its weird after what has already happened and that if she can't pay her boyfriend the same attention that she does to another guy then that's retarted and see what goes down?

My relationship is turning into the next friggin hit TV soap... ahh pathetic. So glad that you guys are available to speak to though so thanks heaps

[talaniman]

Just curious, she is 40 minutes away, when was the last time you visited her? Its often the case that after cheating to spend a lot of time worrying about it happening again. Anything can look like cheating, but you simply cannot let your fear of losing her, or being so in love you forgive without thought or at least finding out WHY, so you at least have a path to follow together.

I think I would have to know why she cheated before I could forgive, and agree to try this again. I mean if she was sincere, I would take a lot more convincing, in words and actions before I gave her my heart back. Not only would she have to deserve it again, but also know what to do with it, better than she has.

Words, and action just ain't matching up, and you damn sure should find out WHY!!

[Kahani Punjab]

Now if i leave her alone fully like Van Heart says, and shes still talking to this guy that likes her, odds are somethigns gunna happen with them, am i right?

Yeah, you are right, but I believe, you need not worry. Just relax.

I should say to her Im really uncomfortable with the situation of her talking to this dude and that its weird after what has already happened and that if she can't pay her bf the same attention that she does to another guy then thats retarted and see what goes down?

Rossi, The ball is in your court. You have to take the decision. YES, without doubt, if you say so, you are not going to lose anything... hmmmm... good luck!

[rossi1098]

Yeah Talaniman your right words and actions are not matching up and its really frustrating now, Im the one copping this S*&T when it should be her trying her hardest to make it up to me right?
FYI to be honest we both make the journey to see each other quite fairly, its not like she come to me more than I go to her... the last time I saw her was xmas... and since then (the day was amazing) she's been standoffish and ignoring again... so the other day simply I just said I can say no more, Im leaving you alone for a bit...

That's all and still haven't herd anything

[rossi1098]

Do you think this is a good option?

[talaniman]

Yes!!