[commitment]

I have a big problem and don't know how to solve it... I'll try to be as short as possible... In August I moved out of my mother's home that she lent me to live in with my 2 kids, one is 14 and the other is 2 in January, I myself am a single parent of 38,so we moved suburbs because my mother was too controlling and I couldn't put up with her behaviour anymore,I'm now renting a flat and we are very happy here though my mum is still telling me what to do when she comes over and offered me to go to live in her house rent free so I don't have to pay for anymore rent but am scared I'll be like I was before I left and didn't give her an answer yet but obviously my kid is saying if I accept it will be hell again, my mother is also telling me where to send my youngest to school and interfering in a lot of other things and also moves stuff like furniture around my flat, I don't know what to do anymore I sometimes have tried not to talk to her for like a week but fall for her in the end as she is my mum , any suggestions?

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, she is already controlling if you were in her home, it would be her running everything.

I think you need to set down the rules for her to visit in YOUR home. Explain she will not be invited over or asked to leave if she starts trying to run your life.

[Wondergirl]

I agree with Fr_Chuck. You must set down boundaries, lines in the sand she dare not cross. Work them out ahead of time, make them few and very simple, and state them as needed but with no explanations or apologies or any other mutterings when you tell her.

Returning to her house makes you her child again and encourages her even more to be controlling. If you can manage on your own, do so!

Yes, she's your mum, so don't forget to tell her you love her and give her a hug.

[ANGIE4124]

Still at 38, 48, 68 years of age some Mother's can drive us crazy (from my experience) no matter our achievements, strengths and independence. Some come wired to control, interfere and over protect us etc. Sometimes the more we try to escape the more they fear for us and themselves losing control.

Knowing as I do about setting boundaries with my own wonderful Mother, although under different circumstances, you are on the right track by moving suburbs and standing for independence. You could say, sorry Mum but that's the price for all your interfering, (and it would be true), but I wouldn't advise that as there will be consequences. What I do, to this day in our conversations, is accept where she is coming from inside her head, clearly I am still the young child (not A child,) at 48 in her eyes, and certainly not an equal! However I am wise enough to recognise her vulnerabilities and am respectful of her years of experience and knowledge.

Yet there is a part here that requires you to grow up even more. It is all in the way we interpret and are sensitive to a controlling Mother's behaviour. Yes she is TELLING you where to send the youngest to school and you interpret it as controlling etc. Now change your thinking to, she is ADVISING you and you get a picture of a friend giving you the heads up on a piece of information that might help you. Naturally you would say thanks and look into that and make the decision yourself. TELLING that friend/Mother later, it did not quite suit your needs (explain perhaps) but appreciated the information, end of discussion! A few rounds of firm, polite assertiveness get them every time, plus add a few hugs along the way too.

[commitment]

All you you gave me great advice, thank you so much