[ghernandez3005]

Hey everyone, its good to heard about this comments, it's a good thing to read after so much time. I lost my husband in Aug 24, 2008, we where both young teens 20 yrs old. Its been three years already and I still can't forget him, I dream that he's not dead that he only pretended to be, but when we see each other he comes home and we get to sleep together, I tell him that he needs to come home already and to stay for good for our only child, he says that he can't, that he need to go back to his place and that he'll come and visit us when ever he can. I let him know how much I love & miss him, I tell him to huge me so tight that I actually feel him so close to me and that his so real. I start crying, at the moment that I'm crying I wake up and I'm full of tears in real life. I have a relationship right now that we've been together for almost a yr. I've tried almost everything like counseling, praying and to start a new life but it just won't do it, he's just to deep inside my heard that can't forget about him. Can someone please give me some advise on what to do or can do next to move on in life?

[JudyKayTee]

We are pretty much on the same page - I was widowed in December 2007 (some months before you). I met someone and remarried (which I never expected to happen), but to some extent my grieving has never stopped. Do I miss my late husband? Of course. Do I continue to grieve? Yes, but it's a changed grief, more a sadness at times than that overwhelming grief and pain I felt in the beginning when I really couldn't catch my breath because of the pain I was in.

What have I learned? My husband was very ill for years, and I pretty much always knew I would be a widow. We married in an Intensive Care Unit! We talked openly, freely, often, about what he wanted for me when he was gone. He was adamant that I would do him no honor by mourning (wearing "widow's weeds", as he put it) for the rest of my life, by giving up, by burying myself with him (his words). As he was dying I held his hand and told him I would never, ever forget him, I would always honor his memory and the time we had together, I would keep his memory alive, I would always miss him - and I would always love him BUT I would go on.

You will never forget him. He will always be in your head and your heart. He was a very important part of your life. He should be there always.

That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't go forward. If you are unable to function because of your grief, then I think you need some counselling but I don't find a level of sadness to be unusual or harmful to you or your attempts to go forward.

Do you feel guilty because you are moving on? From what I understand, that's common.

Perhaps if you address your loss when you are awake it will not come to you in your sleep. I find it I try to push things into my subconscious they surface some other time, some other way.

In a way I envy you - in all the times my husband has gone from me he has been in my dreams (that I remember) exactly twice. I would actually love to see his face, hear his voice again, but for me, it never happened.

You have to tell yourself and believe it that you do your late husband no honor if you can't move on - and maybe it's too soon for you. Please don't beat yourself up - everyone grieves in a different manner.

How did I go on? My husband was gone exactly one year. I decided to make a big holiday dinner for myself. I turned the stove to "prewarm," turned my back, got the turkey out of the refrigerator, my dogs were jumpy, I turned around - and my oven was on fire! My smoke detectors went off, I called a neighbor, I called the Fire Department - and I looked at the clock. It was within five minutes of my husband's passing. I broke, I broke after that terrible year, sat at the kitchen table and sobbed myself (literally) sick. I cried all night long and woke up in the morning and thought, "It's time to go forward." I pulled myself together... and went forward.

Two months later I met a wonderful man, also widowed. A year after that we married.

I always say my late husband snapped me out of my grief by almost burning our house down - but I needed to cry and beat the table with my fists and get it all out.

I have no idea if this is helpful to you or if I am just entertained by my own voice BUT sometimes it takes you to open your eyes to an event to see that life is going on and you are not - and it's time.

I'm so very sorry for your lost. We widows belong to a very exclusive, painful club.

Anything I can do to help you - I'm here.