[Aurora_Bell]

Ahh, the joys of Christmas! Shopping in busy malls, paying double for presents, cooking and baking for friends and family - fun right?

So every year my parents have a Christmas party. It's lots of friends and family at least 20-30 people. Every year my mother invites me with the same invitations she uses to invite the other friends and family.

Every year I ask my mother if there is something I can bring to help, every year she says "no, it's her party, and I am a guest", (ya right). Every year I come the night before to help her clean and get those last minute decorations up, every year I bring a ton of finger foods, and every year I am treated like the free catering service.

While I am mingling with friends and family that I haven't seen since last year, it would be nothing for my mother to shout "Bella! Can you come load the Dishwasher"�? Or can I go to the store for more Ice, or so and so forgot to bring pop, can you go into town and get more, or some other task of letting the dogs out or refreshing drinks.

While I don't mind offering more drinks or putting food in the oven or even dishing out food, is it really my job to be the catering service? Should I really have to be in charge of doing dishes and cleaning up after the party?

I always have a Christmas party and when I invite her I never expect her to do the things she expects me to do.

I know how this sounds, but I am a grown adult! I want to go to the party to see friends and family, I want to enjoy myself, the way I expect her to feel when she comes to my house for my parties, but I don't want to feel like the free Maid after it's all said and done.

Before you all tell me to talk to her about it, my Mother is not really the type to take criticism well. I know some of you will even tell me to forgo the party, this would hurt my Mother's feelings, and it leaves me not seeing the friends and family I haven't seen since last Christmas.

I guess I'm at the point where I just have to suck it up or not go, right? Maybe this year I will plan an early escape route.

What about you guys? What's your "favorite" part of Christmas? Do any of you get invited as guests but turn out being the free catering service? How do you deal with your Christmas stress?

[Jake2008]

I have always found that the vast majority of people, particularly at Christmas, have problems such as you've described. I think you are perfectly justified in not wanting to be the go-to guy, so to speak, and know, even without being told, that it is more likely than not, you will be expected to do what you've done, for several years.

So, you are between a rock and a hard place. And then another hard place on top of that.

If you don't do what is expected of you, you can try to enjoy the party, and visit with relatives, but, at the expense of a likely rift between you and your mother. Is it worth the risk. Even if you have offered to help, and she says no, enjoy the party- you're a guest- you know that if you simply do that, you will probably feel bad to see her struggle without your help.

Can you enjoy the party? Probably not, because out of the corner of your eye, you'll see things she needs help with, and it would be impossible for you, in front of everybody, to say 'no', when she yells a 'help' to you.

All I can say is, I can relate from years past, of being in that position myself. But, those years are gone now, my mother is no longer with us, and my children have grown and are out on their own. My husband travels for his work, and I would feel like a fish out of water attending a Christmas party without him.

I guess what I'm trying to say Bella, is I would give anything to be in my mother's kitchen, enjoying her company, and having the experience again, of seeing friends and family, all in one place. It will never happen for me. Not even doing up a tree this year, let alone help with a meal for 25 people.

For you I hope that you can see the silver lining, amid the stress and work, and find the enjoyment, and look for those moments when you see a person you love, right there in front of you, alive and busy, and cherish that gift.

If I lived near you, I would jump at the chance to enjoy the chaos, and I would help YOU, so that you had more time for visiting those that you don't often see.

One thing I thought of is, why not, in advance, ask one of those relatives (who may be reluctant to help on your mother's turf), if they would mind helping out a bit at the party. Let your mom know that you will help her like usual, and Aunt Cathy is also going to help so that nobody is missing out on too much of the party- including her.

Good luck Bella, and Merry Christmas!

[Aurora_Bell]

Aww Jake, you always know just what to say. Ahh shucks, I'm here sobbing like a baby. Ya, you put it all into persepctive. I think this year I will feel a bit better about the way it always goes down.

If you're ever in the Nova Scotia area, you know who to message. The more the merrier right?

((Hugs))

Bella

Oh, and Merry Christmas to you too!

[Wondergirl]

One thing I thought of is, why not, in advance, ask one of those relatives (who may be reluctant to help on your mother's turf), if they would mind helping out a bit at the party. Let your mom know that you will help her like usual, and Aunt Cathy is also going to help so that nobody is missing out on too much of the party- including her.

That's the first thing I thought of -- get some other relatives into the catering pipeline so both you and your mom aren't stuck with all the work.

(Jake's a pretty cool chick, isn't she!)

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, every Christmas mom and I would almost be in a shouting match over something I was not doing just right.
You know I would love to be able to hear her mad at me just one more time. She passed away two days before I was to visit a few years ago. The day of our party was her funeral. * It was not Christmas but another party she was doing.

But if she says not to bring things, why are you ? You made the choice long before you showed up at the party to be part of the event beyond just showing up.

Also are they younger family, nieces or newphews that can do the dishes now. Some duties need to be passed down to younger family members as the rest of us age.

And I think I sat at the kids table till I was almost 18 or 19 since growing older was really not allowed, and it is hard to change roles in some families.

[Aurora_Bell]

Nahh, most of the people are adults. There are a few kiddies, but they are babnished to the other end of the house to watch movies, eat junk and hang out. Lucky them!

I don't know why I still bring the food and stuff. I guess it's just an un-written rule, "I may say no, but I really mean yes" type of thing.

[cdad]

Have you tried to mix the party with a different flavor. They make some great festive paper products that can be used and then thrown away so you get more time with the guests. Not everything has to be formal for a get together and no its not tacky either if done right.

As far as the food goes. You have set it in stone. You made a pattern already and breaking that mold would cause hard feelings. One great finger food that many enjoy at the holidays is spinach dip. You can eat the contents and the "dish" it was made in. Just hollow out some loafs of bread and serve it that way. Cut the removed bread into cubes to eat the dip with. A good sour dough tastes great.

[Wondergirl]

Have you tried to mix the party with a different flavor. They make some great festive paper products that can be used and then thrown away so you get more time with the guests. Not everything has to be formal for a get together and no its not tacky either if done right.

Good thinking! I actually began to LIKE my mother-in-law when we finally got her to switch to pretty and study holiday paper plates, paper tablecloth, paper napkins, and anything else disposable we could think of. Of course, she still insisted there be mounds of food, but we dealt with it somehow and all pitched in by bringing something (with her agreement).

[paraclete]

We used to have one of these things every year, massive amounts of work, but one way to get around it is to move the venue and make the whole thing less formal so that mum is taken out of the centre and does less work. If she has a favourite dish let her prepare that and then enlist everyone else to help in some way.

[Aurora_Bell]

Great ideas guys. Paraclete, I was thinking about renting a hall or something, or ANYTHING else besides the house. Good idea.

Dad, that's one of my special dishes I bring! I started that one 3 years ago thinking if all the food I brought didn't require the guests to use dishes I would be in the clear for not having to do them! Oh man, I can NOT believe I haven't thought of those festive paper plates earlier!! I am so buying the plates and cutlery and telling my mom I am off dish duty this year! Love it!

[speechlesstx]

I'd give anything to be sharing Christmas with my mom again, even while my oldest sister runs around sticking her nose everywhere, my youngest brother tells us how smart and wonderful he is and 17 children scream around the house. My mom is what made Christmas special, serving everyone, doing everything, putting everyone else first all the time.

And yes, a neutral location makes a ton of difference. We've done that a number of times and just had everyone contribute something. Things always went smoothly and then when we're done, we can just go home and unwind.