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AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 09:48 AM

I was having a heart-to-heart with my mum when some of 'my feelings' and 'my reality' made my mom cry. As the conversation continued, she called my feelings 'academic' (I am a counsellor). This really hurt me, and I stormed off to my bedroom in tears.

I was in my room explaining to my 17-year-old daughter what had happened when my husband walked in and started to have a go at me about the conversation I had been having with my mom (even though he has seen me back down to her emotional blackmail a thousand times in the last 12 years). I was so hurt that he had taken sides with her, when it has taken me 38 years to be truthful with her, that I told him to f off and pushed him to get him out of the bedroom.

His response was to slap me hard across the face (the bruise lasted 3 days). When he slapped me, my instinct was to fight back, and he squared up to me with his fists clenched. He stopped only when my daughter started to scream for us to stop fighting.

I feel so hurt by his words and actions, hurt that he sided with my mom because the conversation made him 'uncomfortable.' He didn't even realise or know my mom had initiated conversation 3 days earlier and had asked me to be open and honest with my feelings. And then he slapped me. I didn't hit him, but pushed him to get him out of the room, I didn't want to look at him or talk to him.

He hadn't walled in to ask if I was OK, but went straight into defending my mom. I've lost respect for him on so many levels, I don't know what to do. We have been together 12 years, married for 10 years, and he has never slapped me before or squared up to me in an argument.

He apologised for slapping me but insists it was a reaction to me hitting him (even though my daughter told him I had 'pushed' him). He is justifying hitting me first and says it was an instinctive reaction due to circumstances, but had he not got involved in a conversation he didn't fully comprehend in the beginning, none of this would have happened.

Argh, I'm still angry about it. He will NOT talk about the incident. I have tried three times, and it happened only five days ago. I really don't respect him at all at the moment and feel angry, confused, disgusted.

Any feedback welcomed.

JudyKayTee · Oct 30, 2011, 09:53 AM

The day he became physical with you was the day you should have walked out. He abused you emotionally AND physically in front of your under age daughter (in fact, apparently both of you got violent) and you don't know what to do?

What type of counsellor are you? Marriage, education, something else?

Instinctive or not instinctive the day MY husband put his hands up in a boxing position would be the day MY children and I walked out.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 09:58 AM

I am an addictions counsellor. Worst of all my children have asked me to forgive him and I can't. I'm still struggling to look at him. My best friend told me 'that's so unlike him' and 'its the first time in 12yrs you will get over it'. I just don't know what to think.

odinn7 · Oct 30, 2011, 10:00 AM

You shouldn't have to "get over" being hit. There is no excuse for him to have done this to you and he should be in jail for doing so.

Also, in my opinion, now that he has done it once, it's more likely that he will do it again.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 10:04 AM

That's my fear and now lack of trust and respect is 'will it happen again' I feel sick when I think about it. I don't want to brush it under the carpet, but he won't even engage in conversation with me about what happened. I just want to walk at the moment.

QLP · Oct 30, 2011, 11:01 AM

Walk is exactly what I think you should do. If you really believe that this was entirely out of character then it still needs to be fully explored with a professional counsellor. He isn't even prepared to talk about it right now. Your safety comes first so I would say get out then do some thinking from a place of safety.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 11:14 AM

I'm beginning to wonder is it out of character for him as in the last 2yrs he and my 16yr old son have had a very fractious relationship and I've seen him square up to my son, I've always got in middle and told him you can't do that, you have to teach love and respect to kids, but the more he felt he had no control over my son the more angry he seemed to get (I am seeing a pattern appearing here and all of this is my opinion) When he sqaured up to me with his fists clenched it reminded me of the times he has done it to my son (its intimidation when he doesn't feel in control) ! No he has never touched me or threatened me before but this behaviour has been displaying for a few yrs. Realising just talking that this behaviour is 'not out of character for him' just its never been me on receiving end before. I've stood in the middle of it between he and my son, now I think I'd even be scared to do that in case he hit me. Cus now he has slapped me in temper because he lost control what will stop him doing it again. Whether I like it or not I'm going to have to face reality here because had never noticed the pattern before but here it is in black and white jumping off the page.

QLP · Oct 30, 2011, 11:23 AM

So you have felt a need to protect your son before now, but now you feel you would be frightened to do so again. You seem to have worked out where this is going and what you need to do.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 11:33 AM

I need to leave and ask my children to go with me as here in England I cannot force them to, and they do not want me and my husband to separate. Even they are saying its out of character but they are young with no experience to see what I've just realised, that actually this is what he is like. I hope my children choose to leave with me while I sort my head out. 20yrs ago I was beaten badly by a BF and I walked and never looked back, this is killing me after 12yrs and the fact I'd ALWAYS felt safe and trusted my husband would never lay a finger on me. But yes I know what I've got to do, and its going to hurt a lot and I'm scared on so many different levels of how the consequences of my next actions are going to affect my children, but I do it for the right reasons, to protect them and myself :(

JudyKayTee · Oct 30, 2011, 03:12 PM

Perhaps he has health issues (or something). I wouldn't be hanging around to find out BUT perhaps that's the explanation.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 30, 2011, 03:20 PM

While he should not have slapped her, she did push ( that is a shove or some level of hitting) first,

If he had hit her first and she hit him back would we be defending her ? I am sorry she started the physcial first, he is not excuse but she was the first to get physcial and it sounds like she was ready to do more.

I would like to here his side on this, since I am sorry but I would think we would get another story, he was talkng about it when she used force first.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 03:24 PM

I think he needs anger management and that he may be suffering with a form of depression. I've been reading up on signs of 'Anger'and lights have been pinging on ever since. I've told him he has to leave.I'll be phoning the Council housing service first thing in the morning. He has a choice call doctor and tell truth about what's going on, or he has to move out instantaneously. If he is willing to get help I'm willing for him to stay in house until council can rehome him. I'm disabled and this house is adapted for my disability, I would not cope without the adaptations that's the practical side, then on an emotional level I didn't want to leave my children. I hope I've made the rghti choices. Time will tell.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 03:29 PM

Dr Fruck how do you explain the instances with my son then, who only used words. You say a push is violence my son didn't even push and got worse than me. It shows my husband has a temprement towards violence and can no longer control himself. He is a very angry person. Shame I've covered up for so long for him. I didn't want to see it is the truth, love is blind, but shouldn't be because that's when it becomes harmful.

AbsythFairyFade · Oct 30, 2011, 03:35 PM

Sorry message was for Fr_Chuck not Dr Fruck. And no I most certainly wasn't going to go any further than a push, I was screaming at him to get out and he wouldn't so I pushed him backwards towards the door. I just didn't want him in the room being verbally abusive to me about something that had nothing to do with him. So although I did push him toward the door it wasn't done with intent to hit but to get him away from me whereas the slap was intentional. You really need to consider all aspects. You made huge assumption I would have been willing to go further and you where wrong.

QLP · Oct 30, 2011, 03:38 PM

I can see where you are coming from Fr Chuck, but at the end of the day if things have escalated into physical violence, regardless of the specific details, I think now is a good time to put some physical distance between the parties.

AFF, if the council have modified the house specifically for your disability it does seem that you should stay if some kind of agreement can be made between the two of you with regards to him leaving and/or seeking help. Let us know how he responds and if you can find a way forwards.

kchil12101 · Nov 11, 2011, 04:16 PM

Do not "get over" this, it will become a huge regret. You have an opportunity to bring some real change into your relationship. It doesn't mean it has to end for good but he needs to take FULL responsibility and take measures to ensure this will never happen again. It also sounds like some self evaluation is needed. You had a fit of rage at his response to the call with your mom. You need to ask yourself why your anger could get so out of control. You are in control of you, no matter what someone else does. There is a pattern of verbal abuse in house (fights with the son, you saying F*** off) that needs to be recognized. You need to stand up for your children and show them that this behavior will not be tolerated. What advice would you give your daughter if she came home and told you that her husband slapped her? Out of character or not, it is not acceptable.