[Marissa17]

Hey guys, I've been slowly improving after my breakup almost 5 months ago and I've posted about it here before. (We were on a "break" after 2 years together but he unexpectedly began seeing someone else around 3 months ago.) There's been good days, there's been bad days, and the thing that I feel is keeping me from healing further is that I still have to face him in school everyday (I'm a junior in high school). We have classes together and lots of mutual friends. I've been trying to stick with no contact as much as possible, I took him off my buddy list because I'm better off not knowing what he's up to, but I can't just ignore his existence when he turns around to make small talk during class.. as much as I'd like to. I still have bitterness towards him and I'm not yet over what's happened so I try to avoid his looks and keep busy talking to other people but there's still a natural awkwardness there that keeps bringing my mind back to our relationship. I just can't concentrate on lectures and classwork when he's right there. I guess my question is, in the long run am I better off settling for being his friend under these circumstances where we have to see each other? It's just that these days I really feel like I'm insulting my dignity when I allow myself to talk to him after he's caused me so much pain. On the other hand, maybe by allowing myself to talk to him more normally again then some of the awkwardness would go away and I could focus on other things... Though I also fear that if we become too good of friends it may ignite some false hope in me that he's come to his senses... which could put me right back where I started. Trust me, I've gone though countless posts on this forum and I've learned a lot. I know it's probably not healthy to be friends with him again until my feelings for him are gone. However, I can't help but wonder if I'm hurting myself in the long run by holding this little grudge. I just don't know how to act around him, I always feel unlike myself and uncomfortable. I want some stability back in my life and to stop dreading classes with him!

[Baby_Mama_Drama]

Hey guys, I've been slowly improving after my breakup almost 5 months ago and I've posted about it here before. (We were on a "break" after 2 years together but he unexpectedly began seeing someone else around 3 months ago.) There's been good days, there's been bad days, and the thing that I feel is keeping me from healing further is that I still have to face him in school everyday (I'm a junior in high school). We have classes together and lots of mutual friends. I've been trying to stick with no contact as much as possible, I took him off my buddy list because I'm better off not knowing what he's up to, but I can't just ignore his existence when he turns around to make small talk during class..as much as I'd like to. I still have bitterness towards him and I'm not yet over what's happened so I try to avoid his looks and keep busy talking to other people but there's still a natural awkwardness there that keeps bringing my mind back to our relationship. I just can't concentrate on lectures and classwork when he's right there. I guess my question is, in the long run am I better off settling for being his friend under these circumstances where we have to see each other? It's just that these days I really feel like I'm insulting my dignity when I allow myself to talk to him after he's caused me so much pain. On the other hand, maybe by allowing myself to talk to him more normally again then some of the awkwardness would go away and I could focus on other things.... Though I also fear that if we become too good of friends it may ignite some false hope in me that he's come to his senses... which could put me right back where I started. Trust me, I've gone though countless posts on this forum and I've learned a lot. I know it's probably not healthy to be friends with him again until my feelings for him are gone. However, I can't help but wonder if I'm hurting myself in the long run by holding this little grudge. I just don't know how to act around him, I always feel unlike myself and uncomfortable. I want some stability back in my life and to stop dreading classes with him!

Honey listen its always hard to get over someone you just broke up with but let me tell u something i did that to and me and him are friends we have one class together and he sits right by me and we talk and stuff and trust me you won't think that he has come to his senses because he still hasn't it just means that he is only ready to be friends with you and no more i am not trying to make you mad but that's the truth and i know that your older than me and that you might think that you have more experience than me but realize that when you break up with someone and become their friend it makes everything better because then you guys can talk to each other about it and hopefully solve it but still be friends with him for like a month or 2 and see what happens and if nothing good happens then try talking to your counsler about it that might help to but my advice to you is to become his friend and see what happens with in a month or 2.

[Marissa17]

Thanks for your input. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be friends with him yet. I'm letting go of the fact that he's now with someone else but it still bothers me the way he handled things with me and led me on up until he found this other girl. I feel like allowing myself to be friends with him is sending across the message that it's OK to treat people the way he treated me.. which it ISN'T. But since I have to see him a lot, would it be easier to just swallow my pride and settle for a loose friendship for now? Has anyone else been in this situation where they have to see their ex every day? How did you handle it? Any more opinions would be appreciated.

[Sentra]

I had to see my ex when it came to work, and it wasn't a situation where I could just quit my job and move on from there. I was happy that all I had to do was work with him, and that was it. So at work, I thought of things that made me happy, surrounded myself with co-workers and just kept thinking on how the breakup had positively affected my life.

There is no rule that says you should be friends with him, but don't give him the cold shoulder either. Be better than the way he treated you, he won't expect it. And its natural to feel a tad bitter about seeing that person with someone else, after all, you were the one who got dumped. And pride is a tender thing, swallowing a chunk or so every now and then won't physically hurt you but in the long run, its worth it. No sense in getting angry anymore, so spend time paying attention to yourself and your own needs because there is no more reason not to.:)

[kaitou]

Well, I think you should move on before being friends with him. If you still have the thought of "maybe if we become friends, we might get back together", then I'll strongly advice you to stay away from him.

Also I don't think you can be friends with someone if you hold a grudge against them, so unless if you can forgive him, I don't think it'll really help you.

[talaniman]

For now you stay away from as with anyone else you didn't like. Enjoy your other friends and make new ones.

[Marissa17]

Hey guys, sorry to be a bother but I have a question that's been bothering me the past few days and it's related to this so I'll post it here:

I've tried so hard lately to avoid any mixed signals that my ex could direct towards me
Because I really want to make a commitment to moving on.. the past couple days have been a bit difficult because those mixed signals have been staring me in the face... literally.. my ex just keeps staring at me and he's not low key about it either. When our circle of friends sit together and his new girlfriend is not around, I find that he's been looking at me whenever I look in his general direction and when our eyes meet he doesn't lay off. When he turns around in class to make small talk, even after the conversation dies out he just stares rather blankly and when I raised my eyebrow at him for doing it yesterday he said playfully "Don't give me that look" and starts batting his eyelashes and continues gazing. Then after school I catch a glimpse of him and his new girlfriend walking out of school close together and as far as I know he's happy with her so I really don't appreciate these games he plays with me. When I told my best friend about it she said she thinks it's maybe because he feels guilty about the way things ended between us and is too embarrassed to actually have a serious conversation with me so this is how he communicates. I'm real curious to know what this is about and I guess I'm wondering if there's anything I could possibly say to him or ask him the next time he does this to me to get the deeper meaning behind it all. And, if it really is all a game to him then I'd just like to kindly ask him to stop. I can't really see much harm in acknowledging what he's doing and seeking out an answer. I have to see him everyday so I would really like to just clear things up. Any suggestions on how to go about this would be greatly appreciated.

[Skell]

In my honest opinion I think he is playing games. Id say he is aware that you are still coming to grips with your relationship ending and he enjoys being able to twaek at your heart strings by acting this way.

It is immature to say the least and just downright ridiculous. You seem like a fairly intelligent and switched on young girl. Your posts seem to show a level of maturity that should hold you in good stead.

I know it must be hard for you to see him each day at school, and he is making it even harder by acting this way.

You must try as hard as possible not to let it get under your skin. Don't give him the pleasure. Continue as you have been doing. Don't make unnecessary conversation / contact with him at all. If he says hello or tries to talk to you then just be polite but move on to another friend or activity as soon as you can.

As far as his gazing at you goes, if it is making you uncomfortable and you would like him to stop then politely say so. Tell him that you don't appreciate him staring at you and you won't tolerate it. It isn't his way of communicating, it is his way of playing with your emotions. Don't let him.

You sound too mature and intelligent for this game player so try not to lament losing him too much. Just focus on your studies and friends and eventually someone a whole lot better than him will pop into your life!

[talaniman]

It takes two to play and your best bet is to ignore him. Not easy, but you have to.

[valinors_sorrow]

It may be a little cheesey to copy and paste from one thread to another but I thought this post was fitting:

Originally Posted by kaitou
But if caring about him is going to end up hurting me, I don't think I can handle it.

(Its from the thread - Opinions on Being Friends with Exes)

As hard as this may seem Marissa (pretty name) you might tell him you need a total break from him and that while you'll nod when you see him to acknowledge his presence, that's as far as you can go right now. Otherwise it hurts too much. Be polite but non-negotiable about it. It's a message to leave you completely alone. If he clearly understands you, I bet you won't even be nodding much. You absolutely must maintain your distance too. You have every right to this kind of relief and only you can take care of you and arrange it. With as minimal of contact as possible, your ability to heal should be greatly improved.

I have several on my "nod list" as it works for ex-friends and acquaintances as well. I'm sure they are as relieved we don't go further too.

[Marissa17]

I actually never thought of it that way either Tal but you're right, as usual. If I don't respond to these games then I don't have to play them. I don't understand what fuels these little games though, does he just want to see if he still has that power/control over me? If that's the case then I need to prove him wrong. Also, I remember reading that quote by kaitou, I guess I've become a forum junkie but this place keeps me sane and on the right track. It is a very significant quote and when I first compared it to my situation I thought I could handle the hurt but on a not so good day like I had today, I can truthfully tell myself that I'm not at that point yet and I might not be there for a while. I do care about him and I know he's still a good person underneath all this. I don't want him out of my life completely but the "nod" method is the only way to go for a while. I think I'm going to print out some of your posts so they remind me to hold my ground in school. Thanks everyone, I needed that.

[kaitou]

I think the period that follows a break up should be a time of self-care, self evaluation, and self reflection. It is a time that you have to get through alone without relying on the help of others. But of course this can't happen until you stop clinging onto false hope, or accepted that its over.

I think you should seriously focus on yourself for now. Stop wondering what he's doing or thinking. Get thoughts like "If i do this, he might start disliking me, and then we'll never be back together again" out of your mind. When I just broke up with my ex, all I did was think about him. Which was stupid. He wouldn't notice anything I was doing anyway. I mean once it's over, there's really nothing left you can do to impress him. Your effort would all be unappreciated/wasted. Stop analyzing what he's doing, no matter how hard you try, you'll never know what's he's thinking.

Besides he got a girlfriend. That's a pretty clear sign that you shouldn't make much of anything that he's doing. Even if he wants you back now, do you really want an indecisive guy like him?