[askmehelpandme]

My husband of 3 and a half years, (an older man, twice divorced, then alone for 20 years), has from day one of our dating, always made statements to me regularly, (too regularly), who the pretty/feminine women are that we meet or know.

I got very very sick of it because it was so often, (daily, or even several times in a day he would repeat himself), but I still married him. Or, he would go somewhere by himself and when he came home would describe fully some woman's facial features/expressions - even if it was just someone in a dairy/library etc. And describe how he made them laugh, etc.

When I asked him about why he would always point out the pretty ones, (as if I don't have eyes), and constantly talk to me about, or point out their smile or how their eyes would light up, their jaw dropped, etc.

He got very defensive and argumentative when I said he was talking about pretty women way too much and putting them "in front of me" all the time. Then he changed, and started quoting their words to me. If I was in company with him and another pretty woman I would hear her saying some simple everyday word like "cheeky" once, then for the next six months he would daily or more than daily use the word "cheeky" to me.

The words they used he would say to me only, and still does, every single day, (even six months later), when the woman is not even around anymore. I find it so bizarre, frustrating, irritating, and wonder now if he has mental/psychological issues.

When I bring it to his attention after putting up with it without saying anything for quite a long time, (even months some times), it simply gets worse so that I think he is doing it deliberately? Trying to manipulate me? But why? I can't figure this out at all and it leads to arguments often now and I don't want to do things/go places with him, and he tells me I've got the problem, yet I would never, even once, play on the words of an attractive man we both meet.

It's so bizarre.

[askmehelpandme]

I mentioned name-dropping. What I meant was - one woman's name is Jo - she is the one who casually used the word "cheeky". Then every day, and I mean every day, my husband would say 'jo bloggs', 'sloppy jo' (as in the jumper), or 'what do you know jo?', when meeting a friend/relative - in front of me every time. This, or the word 'cheeky' has been repeated over and over and over for the past six months - daily. Then one day when he missed, I thought "oh he has stopped", but no, the very next day the same thing over and over - it doesn't matter what I say - HE WILL NOT STOP, and I now know this. I told him that he says the word Jo more than he says my own name. He rarely uses my name - he calls me 'love' - even if he is calling to me from outside when I am inside - he will call out 'love'. Also he doesn't want me to call him by his first name as he says he knows his own name. I have never known this type of psychology in my whole life and I am just about screaming with the bizarreness of it all. Can anyone explain any of it?

[JoeCanada76]

Not sure what the problem is. Not sure why your taking these little words or sayings so seriously. It is so common. Not sure why it is an issue.

My name is Joe, and I get a lot of people saying different phrases and other things. I have heard what do you know Joe, lots and lots.

Actually it sounds like he is quite normal. It sounds like you are the one with the issues. Over analyzing everything and taking everything out of proportion. Not sure what is wrong with being called love... Obviously he loves you.

IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. There is no psychology that needs to be involved.

Quite surprised to find somebody that finds all these normal sayings and nick names to be a problem.

That is perplexing to me.

Not sure what else to say to you. Except it is odd that you have never heard of these sayings or husband and wife having nick names for each other. Using sayings or other things while talking about other people.

[askmehelpandme]

What I am saying is the frequency that he says these things. I know very well they are innocent words. Six months ago we met Jo - she said 'cheeky aren't I?' said innocently in humour in front of me and my husband (that is normal). Then, every day after that my husband will tell me every day that so and so is 'cheeky', or somebody else is 'cheeky'. Even the birds are 'cheeky' for pooping on the fence I just painted. Sometimes it is 3 times a day, but it is every day. Since when do you meet 'cheeky' people every day, I certainly don't. This has been going on for six months and you could say it has got on my nerves badly as all day I am hearing 'cheeky, cheeky, cheeky'. I think you don't get the intensity of it, and if it's not 'cheeky', it is 'Jo' as in jo bloggs, what do you know jo etc. All day, every day, every time I sit to have a meal with him - do you get it now? And that is a brief explanation of what has been going on. Would you quote continuously to you wife another woman's name but never call your wife by her own name? That to me is bizarre, even if you do get called love (which I don't have a problem with), but at least once a month I'd like to be called by my first name.

[JoeCanada76]

Why do I need to get it? Because I do not agree with you. Cheeky, Cheeky Cheeky, nothing wrong with the word cheeky. He uses things and saying repeatedly maybe it is getting annoying. Just let him know it is wearing thin. That it is bothering you but you already did. Obviously he does not think it is an issue, nor do I for that matter.

All day every time every where. Does it really matter. Why did you get married with him? Why are you still married to him if this is such a big issue. If this is the only issue you have with him. My God, I can not imagine what would happen if there was an actual real series problem in the relationship. You get called love. You know what, yes I use my wife's name. Not all the time, but now we are known as mama and papa to our son so first names not used that much. We have nick names for ourselves.

Now these nick names are not used in front of other people but the word love. Nothing wrong with it. Well why do you not sign a contract with your husband and get both you two to sign it. With an agreement about calling you by your first name at least once a month. Will that make you happy?

I am sure others will pipe in on this thread and give you other opinions and thoughts on your matter. I really hope they do. I really hope that you stick around and find out what other people might have to say besides me.

Then again I do not think it matters what anybody else says. If all else fails then go to marriage counseling but it is obvious he is happy and healthy. On the other hand for you it does not sound like you are so it has to be dealt with.

[askmehelpandme]

I'm very sorry, I didn't mean you had to get it - what I meant was that maybe I wasn't explaining myself well so that I was not making myself understood because I really want help with this. It is very difficult to explain behaviour that I don't understand myself. There is definitely a heavily repetition of same words, and other things that I now don't want to go into - if he tells me every day someone is cheeky, then repeats himself saying "cheeky, cheeky, cheeky" every day, then of course I will get sick of it - I have even come to expect it daily. I do appreciate your comments, but I do know for a fact that the repetition I am hearing (and it is only me) is not usual (I won't say not normal). Yes he does love me and I love him, that is why it is so puzzling to me that he quotes women's comments to the nth degree (literally). I feel hammered with it. I actually wondered if it was something like alzheimers, sadly. If it is, then, I can accept that and look for help elsewhere to help him as much as me. Yes, I will let him know it is wearing thin, though I would have thought he'd know that by now. No, I'm not looking for rules about how often to say my name, but he practically never says it to me, and I am wondering if he gets words/names stuck in his head - if so, so what, that is entirely OK if it is not deliberate. If it is deliberate, then I don't know what I am experiencing. I married him because he is a wonderful man generally and I am not looking to just put him down, there are other things too, but now I don't want to get into that as I will probably make a mistake in how I put it. Thanks for your comments - I do appreciate them, and I will look at myself too.

[JudyKayTee]

I see other problems but this is the "easiest" to explain -

If you don't like this aspect of his behavior, just keep telling him.

[askmehelpandme]

Thanks JudyKayTee
I do tell him, and he told me once that he "digs his toes in" and I think he is doing that - even when I have ignored the behaviour for months. He told me I can't stop him saying words in the dictionary, but that isn't what I am wanting to do - I'm wanting him to stop playing on the words, and when I tell him it actually gets worse so all I can do is be quiet, and when I'm quiet he still carries it on. Can't achieve anything and it doesn't matter if I say something or I don't (for months) he still won't stop.

[JudyKayTee]

I don't know him, of course, but I get the feeling he's doing this one thing to annoy you for some reason.

Is there something else that he's upset about that he's either afraid to mention or doesn't want to talk about?

I see questions along these lines if a man is having difficulty with his sex life - he then antagonizes his partner in some other arena.

[Wondergirl]

Have you ever parroted his words back to him in an unconcerned, enthusiastic way? -- i.e. use "cheeky" endlessly in your sentences -- drive him crazy with your overuse of/referring to the words and names he uses, made up reasons to use the words and names?

I'm with Judy on thinking he wants to annoy you somehow, and maybe he's covering up something bigger, a larger concern.

[JoeCanada76]

How much older is he? What other people need to realize here is that this is not a new behavior this has been his behavior from the very start. So I doubt that he is doing it to annoy her. Depending on how old he is maybe there is something medical to it but like I said this man probably has this as a way of communicating.

Now you say there is other things but honestly if you are not willing to share completely you're concerns with us. If we can not see the whole picture it is kind of hard to help you in any way more then what any of us have with our opinions.

If you are leaving things out then it is kind of hard to help you in anyway, especially since the only issue you have is with his repetitive words and phrases which to me does not sound like a big issue.

I disagree with playing games with him. Do not turn around and try to annoy him on purpose or repeat words to try to annoy him. This is not a good approach at all. Especially considering this behavior he has always had since you have met him.

So until you fill in the blanks. Until you express here exactly what else is going on there is not much we can do.

I will again suggest marriage counseling. Also depending on his age, how old he is maybe he is experiencing stages of some kind of old age disease but until this is discovered you have to just do you best to deal with this with patience and seek counseling and maybe an advice through a doctor if you think it is medical. If you think it is getting worse.

Please help us by giving us the whole picture of all your experiences with your husband in order to be able to determine your next steps to how to deal with these behaviors.

[askmehelpandme]

Wondergirl and Judy - my thoughts exactly. If I do the same back to him (which I tried only once) he gets even worse - like he owns the word cheeky and I can't do that to him so he does it even more. That is what he is doing - making up reasons to use the words/names. We had a disagreement about someone called Sylvia. He obviously didn't get over it because he then went on to say the word 'silver' over and over daily (FOR A WHOLE YEAR). He even went on to point out things around us that is silver, even telling me the electric power box is silver. It's like I can't have even the slightest disagreement with him and we both get over it because he doesn't get over it, he ran with that one for a year, even after she wasn't around, then he found a reason to say Sylvia all the time (as in a name place). It feels to me there is a bigger/larger concern, yes. I have mentioned divorce (which I don't really want, I want him to stop the behaviour towards me and I suppose I tried to shock him to stop it, and because he has been divorced twice before I think I used it as a scare tactic. He doesn't want that either, but then I question myself that maybe he really does? He has assured me over and over that he doesn't, but his actions are not helping. He is 13 years older than me and has several health issues that affect him badly - needs a knee replacement for one, and all I want to do is help him with these things and I feel that I get slapped for it, and he is after all usually a very capable man, but aging. I don't want to give too much info, but your comments helped me to see there must be a bigger thing he is frightened of and I have to try work that out.

[Wondergirl]

I'm an older adult and fear for loss of independence as I age and my body falls apart. I wonder if that is lurking in his mind somewhere, now that you mention his knee problem. And men typically hate to have to lean on someone else. They so value that freedom and independence and hate to thinking of having to be "helped."

Could that be part of what he's thinking? (Of course, how that works into the other behaviors... Got to put on my therapist hat now.)

[Wondergirl]

What are his strengths? What have you always admired about him?

[askmehelpandme]

Joe, he is 65 now, I am 52 so it is a late life relationship but we knew each other a little socially for ten years before marriage. I know he is not about to do anything wrong with a woman, but at the start of our relationship - on the first date he was pointing out women in the street who were feminine/pretty, telling me who in the family / people we know who is pretty, pointing out a woman to me who had sunburn (lots of bare skin showing), but I don't think he was looking at the sunburn I think he used that as something to say to me, turning around to look at women walking by in the street as they passed etc. etc. It was too much for me at the beginning of the relationship and because he is still a good looking man I think it was a pattern from earlier days. I probably did overreact, but it wasn't until 3 months had passed initially that I even realised that he was doing that and pretty women were a big part of his conversation and after about three months I got a picture together of who he found attractive because he had repeated it so many times - there were about six women that we know personally, and it is almost like I then got to know his type, like he was letting me know as if I was another man or something silly like that. It was like we were dating to view other women with me as an onlooker. Anyway he has told me it isn't a sexual thing and he can usually describe in an instant what someone was wearing, including men and their uniform parts etc. so it is like he has a photographic memory or something like that. As I got to know him better I could see he was very observant but he had already put me on the back foot by quite excessive looking at women all around us (as it appeared to me at the time - maybe it was that there were mostly women around, but at the time I wasn't thinking of that), so I then got a thing about it which I never had before, and of course now I get the reputation like a big jealous witch, which I was never like before. He told me that he was alone for 20 years and if he points out something he just wants to share. Sadly, it always seemed to include women and I got ?wrong impressions. Most of my friends are women, younger than me, and they visit. He had given me a bunch of flowers, sitting in a vase in the hallway, and when one of my friends was leaving the house he picked one of those flowers from the vase and gave it to her. These are little things and he did apologise for that when I asked him why, and he said he has done that all his life. So now he feels restricted. But it wasn't so much the flower as the impression he gave me about doing that. These things are little, but happen all the time.

[Wondergirl]

I wonder if "success" to him involves pretty women. If he is a nice-looking guy, maybe that has always been a given for him, handsome man + pretty women (plural).

Have you ever "bought into" his raves by going along with him and concurring with his insights and observations?

Don't forget to comment on my question about his strengths.

[askmehelpandme]

Wondergirl he has so many strengths - hardworking - so much so that he has done damage to his shoulders - a lot of concreting, painting, DIY jobs etc. and he is very friendly and loving mostly. As Joe said, I'm wondering if it is a 'communication' style, but one I don't get. I'm sure there are medical things too - diabetes is one. And no, he doesn't like being 'helped' - sometimes he jokes calling me mummy, but I can't stand by and not help him when he does need it. He is fiercely independent, used to doing many jobs for himself and other people and now he really needs to slow down and relax a bit for his own health, but he still has projects on the go all the time. Definitely not a lazy man by any means. His body fails him sometimes and he is very tired from poor sleeping and I am very tired from his poor sleeping.

[Wondergirl]

His body may be yelling for him to slow down but that's not how he operates, so must put on this façade and be who he used to be when he was younger.

How does he act when you compliment him honestly (not in a phony way) and praise his strengths and the good things he does? Maybe he needs more of that.

[askmehelpandme]

Wondergirl, I was not really that way inclined before to go on about pretty women but your comments make some sense to me - I think he is comfortable around pretty women and I think he is protective of women generally, including me, but the behaviour is odd sometimes. We were driving on a highway once going one direction, north, one road. We knew we were needing to stay on that highway all the way north. A group of women were in the car in front of us going the same directionfor maybe five minutes before they turned off that road to go right. His reaction to me "do we go right now?". That was after an hour of being on the same route with no need/thought of having to go right. To me, it seemed like he wanted to follow their car? I just kept quiet saying no we don't need to go right we're still going north.

[askmehelpandme]

Yes, if I compliment him about the good things he does, he calls himself 'tough guy' and he is a tough guy. Honestly, he would do anything for anyone if he could and I don't want to lose him to any illness so I try looking things up on the net that could help him - his diabetes is type 2 and under control with diet. If I wanted to say something about these women it is hard because he is making references to them but not actually talking about them specifically if you know what I mean.