[Tallarin]

I keep seeing a lot of "no contact" posts on this board. Anyone out there know if therapists ever prescribe as part of marriage counseling? Meaning, is it ever suggested for couples who are in trouble to focus inward and shut out the world? Or is it only used for men/women in the process of a breakup?

[Teaching]

I keep seeing a lot of "no contact" posts on this board. Anyone out there know if therapists ever prescribe as part of marriage counseling? Meaning, is it ever suggested for couples who are in trouble to focus inward and shut out the world? Or is it only used for men/women in the process of a breakup?

I believe "no contact" is an opportunity to heal from the relationship. It is an opportunity if you want to focus on what you want and who you want to be. Am not sure if this helps you, however I truly believe "no contact" is an opportunity to make things better for your relationship and yourself.

[Tallarin]

I started thinking about this because of my friend. I got yet another phone call tonight from someone who she also used to be close to wondering if I knew what was up since they haven't heard from her in weeks and emails and phone calls have gone unanswered (I am the only one at school who knows of her relationship problems and I will NOT break that trust, ever - even if I am angry with her).

The common thread between the three of us is our volunteer efforts at the schools, and her DH had some difficulty with all the time she spent with PTO stuff and homeless shelter stuff so I got to thinking that maybe the counselor they were seeing suggested she drop everything non relationship and family related. She didn't even send Christmas cards or attended several Christmas parties we were all invited to...

[talaniman]

I keep seeing a lot of "no contact" posts on this board. Anyone out there know if therapists ever prescribe as part of marriage counseling? Meaning, is it ever suggested for couples who are in trouble to focus inward and shut out the world? Or is it only used for men/women in the process of a breakup?

No contact is for people in relationships that didn't work for whatever reason. It's a little different for a break to just to let the dust settle and re-evaluate and the break time is specific and mutual.

[valinors_sorrow]

I have been to the marriage counselor who suggested a limited and highly structured separation. It was my first marriage, and we were in counseling almost the whole time. I initiated the counseling because of a distrubing violent incident just after the wedding. We eventually came back together to work it out but the therapist eventually said to me he isn't serious so I left him. He turned out to be a stalker type who was obsessed with me and it took quite a few years after the divorce to lay it to rest completely. Ugh.

Later on, as a result of my experience, when my then boyfriend and I had some trouble, we applied the same arrangement, a topic/goal-specific and limited time frame separation that worked. We are happily married and together now almost twenty years.

What I see posted here is a haphazard, maybe it's a break and maybe it's a break up confused mess arranged by people who don't know how to communicate and who I sense use the "I need space" line as a way of saying many different things. I stress again and again that this is nothing like a constructive separation.

[tracgardn]

I do not believe in no contact. How would this show a couple how to get along in the real world? It's like some private schools and then when the child gets in the real world they are blown away. Maybe it is important to spend more alone time together to work things out, but I would not isolate myself in any way for any one. That is scarey in itself. If you learn how to get alone with no contact, then is that how you will stay forever and what will you do when you do go out in the real world? I would think about this one.

[Jiser]

No contact allows one to heal. How can anyone ever become themselves once more with constant contact with the ex?

[tracgardn]

To Jiser,
I think you need to read the original question again. No one is talking about divorce or ex's. This is marriage counseling to keep from being an ex. I agree with no contact if it's an ex, unless children are involved. I think that at a much smaller degree a divorce is almost like a death, you go through the different stages and hopefully come out in the end a little better, a little wiser, and a little happier.

[Jiser]

Well I cannot comment on that situation seems I have never been married. Seen some recent programmes where no contact was subscribed by therapists to allow couples to reflect in their own space. However communication was still key throughout.

[LBP]

No Contact serves to get over being dumped, when your emotions are too powerful to be trusted...

[valinors_sorrow]

There are two kinds of no contact:

One occurs while the relationship is still on, its meant to diffuse heated feelings and allow people to do necessary work without added pressure. In order to do that it needs to be highly structured, topic or goal specific and mutually agreed on with a limited timeframe. No one gets left in the dark wondering or dangling EVER since its understood that would hurt.

The other is no contact after the relationship breaks up or ends. Its mean to help the two people go their separate ways, to protect themselves against additional hurt while grieving. It helps to reinforce that it is indeed over and done with. If its not over and done with then it should have been arranged to be the first kind of no contact. Sadly it often isn't.

To mix these two up is to add major confusion to what I would guess is an already mixed up deal. The OP asked about the first kind and not the second kind, even though the second kind is predominantly what is posted by others here.