[Jamesnana]

My daughter is 30, married to a fabulous guy, and has two adorable little boys. She says she loves me but says I am a big stressor in her life. I have always doted on her, but our relationship has been tried by my many hospitalizations for bipolar disorder. When I am well she keeps me at arms length (Haven't seen her or the kids in two months now.) I try to stay within distance by driving by her house now and then. If she catches me she claims I am stalking her.When I am in a social situation with her, she claims I stare at her. I feel I just play with the kids. She won't let me babysit the kids--she feels I am not reliable. I can't tell you how hurtful this is. Any words of consolation or wisdom?

[Wondergirl]

Are you on any medication and/or regularly seeing a psychiatrist or therapist for goal-setting, etc.

[Jamesnana]

Of course. Regularly.

[Wondergirl]

Would it be possible for your daughter to go with you to a therapy session and express her concerns?

[Wondergirl]

Also, I'm wondering why "many hospitalizations for bipolar disorder"?

[Jamesnana]

Contrary to what the psychiatric professions think meds and therapy aren't foolproof. Manic psychosis breaks through on me despite both.We have tried therapy together, but she is not very forthcoming. Currently she is refusing to go. It's hard for her with an almost 4 yr old and a six month old to keep appointments.

She is talking to me on the phone so that's a plus.

[Wondergirl]

I lived for years with family involvement with a bipolar grandmother and her son, my uncle.

No, meds aren't foolproof, but knowing how my grandmother and uncle were, I'm wondering, are you taking the correct dose at the right time? Why doesn't therapy work?

Why does your daughter feel stressed over you? Has she ever been able to talk with the therapist alone?

[Wondergirl]

By the way, I appreciate your being patient with my questions.

Is your daughter afraid of your manic periods? I know how scary they can be to others, especially people who don't fully understand what is going on and how to deal with them.

[Jamesnana]

I do take my meds, and I have no idea what the point of therapy is, but I do keep my appointments. When not manic, I am pretty normal (I think,anyway. Lol)I know my episodes do upset my daughter. Without going into too much detail, let's just say I have an absurd recurring delusion. She ends up bailing me out of all my mischief caused by them. Her reactions when cleaning up after me let me know she cares. But then she is so cold when I am OK again. It really hurts.

[Jamesnana]

I know she is a little afraid of my manic periods. I also think she may be afraid it's hereditary.

[Wondergirl]

I do take my meds... my episodes do upset my daughter. Without going into too much detail, let's just say I have an absurd recurring delusion. She ends up bailing me out of all my mischief caused by them.

If you are taking your meds correctly, why are you having these episodes?

I have no idea what the point of therapy is

The sessions are 50 minutes long. What happens during them?

[Wondergirl]

I know she is a little afraid of my manic periods. I also think she may be afraid it's hereditary.

It doesn't sound like she's shown any bipolar tendencies, so is she afraid for her children?

[QLP]

Firstly I just want to say I feel for you, as I know how difficult managing relationships can be when mental health issues have entered the picture. A slightly different scenario, but my mum was a schizophrenic. I'm wondering how long you go being well, between bouts of your illness taking over. For me, I was always a bit afraid of the next pyschotic break my mum would have, as the illness was very unpredictable, even on medication. Also, when my children were young, it did bring back some bad memories of episodes my mum had suffered when I was small which I hadn't been able to understand at the time. Did your illness manifest while your daughter was still young?

Having young kids can be stressful and bring out our protective instincts and our own vulnerabilities. I am really glad that you and your daughter are still in contact. It does show there's hope. If you can try and take things slow, going at a pace your daugther feels is comforable, I do think you can make progress with your relationship, if you continue to take the help in keeping your illness under control.

You say she has had to bail you out when things have gone wrong on a number of occasions. I can relate to that. One of the hardest things was the feeling I had to be mum to my own mum as well as to my kids at these times, when I needed someone to be strong for me. I hope that doesn't sound hurtful to you, it's not meant to be, just honest about how it was for me. If any of that applies to your daughter then I can tell you that the best thing you can do is keep taking care of yourself, with all the help you need, as much as possible. The more my mum was able to show she was on an even keel the more I could relax around her; but it did take time.

[Jamesnana]

Thanks, QLP, for your words of wisdom. You are very kind. Sometimes I go years between episodes. THings do improve, and then splat!

[violavel]

I think that what is best is to put yourself in her shoes, try to under stand the situation from her point of view. I know that this is all hurting you but I doubt it is because she doesn't love u. if she told you that you are making her stressed that is probably because she is worried about u, but doesn't know how to express it. I understand that from your point of view you would love to take care of your grandchildren and get to know them, what I think is going on is maybe she would like to show you how strong she is herself, she may want to prove to you that she can do it on her own. This is just my opinion, and I'm 12 so don't take this as scientific fact