[Tallarin]

My best friend has disappeared from my life (and actually the lives of everyone in our very small school community - which is making some tasks very difficult but we muddle through) and I have learned to accept that no matter what I do or say, that friendship is dead, gone, kaput, never to be. For a while there I thought that time would heal the relationship and that it I kept being supportive "from afar" eventually things would go back to normal (hey! I'm an optimist O.K?? ).

So after much soul searching I've come to accept what it is, but the one thing I can't let go is the ANGER of having been abandoned. As I was deleting email last night, I ran across one from this person telling me not too long ago how important I was in their lives. I was ANGRY for hours.

For many reasons, I have always held the belief that holding grudges and staying angry gets you nowhere and usually, no matter how rotten someone treats me, I end up "turning the other cheek" and forgiving the person. This time, I am not able to practice what I have always preached to my family and friends and honestly, it scares me. Someone told me that my friend needs to hear what I'm going through, I don't think that's a good thing... or even practical as she won't answer her door. I really don't care to have this person back in my life again - My four kids all miss her as she used to spoil them rotten with rides, hand knit stuff and home baked goods and a good ear when "mom was being unreasonable" :D. The ultimate "auntie" even though we have lots of relatives around.

I never thought a friend could hurt me so bad... it's scary that I can't forgive... especially after she forgave (or so she told me) our spat over the summer...

Thank you

[Josh_A]

My best friend has disappeared from my life (and actually the lives of everyone in our very small school community - which is making some tasks very difficult but we muddle through) and I have learned to accept that no matter what I do or say, that friendship is dead, gone, kaput, never to be. For a while there I thought that time would heal the relationship and that it I kept being supportive "from afar" eventually things would go back to normal (hey! I'm an optimist O.K???).

So after much soul searching I've come to accept what it is, but the one thing I can't let go is the ANGER of having been abandoned. As I was deleting email last night, I ran across one from this person telling me not too long ago how important I was in their lives. I was ANGRY for hours.

For many reasons, I have always held the belief that holding grudges and staying angry gets you nowhere and usually, no matter how rotten someone treats me, I end up "turning the other cheek" and forgiving the person. This time, I am not able to practice what I have always preached to my family and friends and honestly, it scares me. Someone told me that my friend needs to hear what I'm going through, I don't think that's a good thing... or even practical as she won't answer her door. I really don't care to have this person back in my life again - My four kids all miss her as she used to spoil them rotten with rides, hand knit stuff and home baked goods and a good ear when "mom was being unreasonable" :D. The ultimate "auntie" even though we have lots of relatives around.

I never thought a friend could hurt me so bad...it's scary that I can't forgive... especially after she forgave (or so she told me) our spat over the summer...

thank you

There are lots of angles to take, but your post didn't have a specific question, so I'll go with the basics... improving quality of communication, even if it's just the communication you have with yourself.

According to the principles of Non-Violent Communication, anger is a valuable feeling that tells us two things:

1) We have a need (or several) not being met, and
2) We have a judgment in our head turned outward (usually onto another person)

To transform anger in the NVC model:

a. Recognize that anger is just a "check engine" light on your dashboard telling you to look into the above two things

b. Look at what actually happened, separate from your own interpretations of them. For example, "disappeared" is an interpretation. What is it this person actually does? Fails to answer the door is one you mentioned. I can only guess at others.

c. Shift your focus from what they do to what's inside you, specifically what you feel when she does those things and what unmet needs those feelings point to. Is it really just anger in there? What's underneath the anger? There's a list of feelings when our needs aren't met on the second half of cnvc:: Feelings Lists, when needs are satisfied and when needs are not satisfied

d. Identify what needs aren't being met. List of needs at: cnvc:: Needs List

[Illusion]

Obviously you feel very hurt and angry at your friend. I am sure you miss her. Know its all right to be angry. Don't betray your own feelings. You need to be honest with yourself about why she was so angry she felt she had to end the friendship. As it difficult as it may be, know you'll get through this. Don't "turn the cheek" when in fact you feel hurt inside. Respect that feeling. I would not talk with her and tell her how I'm feeling after she has already ended the friendship. I might want to write a letter and never mail it. I would re-consider if I really wanted her friendship. She is not willing to stick around and work it out between the both of you.

[Tallarin]

It's a strange situation because I'm not sure if the friendship is really over or not. The "big blowup" happened in September 2006. In February, I sent her a Valentine's package of home made cookies for her and the family and I got a note back saying: "you are a dear friend"... then she doesn't talk to me for weeks and won't answer phone calls or emails that are related to the school fundraiser. To be fair, I've heard the same complaint from other committee members.
But just two weekends ago, she was acting like nothing ever happened, and the next day it was back to the withdrawn state.
Now this week we are supposed to work on a project for the biggest school fundraiser of the year - and I asked her in MARCH if she was willing to help me this week. No answer until last night when she left me a phone message that she couldn't do it this but how about the following week? Mind you, at the last planning meeting, she didn't speak to me at all even though we were in the same room for 2 hours...
I guess this is why I'm angry, because I feel like I'm dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and I don't feel I deserve that after being told all was forgiven and how dear a friend I am. Every time I'm ready to walk away, I get these "bites of friendship" thrown at me.
I don't believe in writing letters that are never mailed.
Why not tell someone that they've hurt you? Why let them go around thinking that everything's o.k. because they told you "it's not you, really", but they treat you like the stuff in children's diapers. They tell you they don't want to do anything with you "or really anyone" and now I find out she's going to the Bahamas for a week with her old grad school roommate - who last year she wasn't too thrilled with...