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classyT · Oct 27, 2011, 01:39 PM

Before I start this thread I want to say up front that I am not talking about bullying. This isn't about children picking on other children for sport. This is about parents that can't tell the difference!

I just received call from a friend letting me know my youngest child called her child a name at the bus stop. They are usually best friends. I confronted him and he admitted he did it. It wasn't a "dirty" name but it wasn't nice either. I will make him go apologize but I really feel like I'm living in the twighlight zone. I would no more call a neighbor let alone a friend to tattle this kind of thing. Am I nuts?
I don't know what kind of parent you are, but I don't get involved in silly, petty kid "issues" in my neighborhood. My mother and father didn't either. I never recall a time my mother came out to check on the rules of a game to see if I was being treated fairly. When we got hurt playing basketball or kickball my parents never once came a knocking on a neighbors door to say that I was treated to rough. My brother got his arm broke once playing tackle football, and HE was the one in trouble for playing a contact sport without the proper attire. Times have CHANGED.

I have made it ABUNDENTLY clear to every one of my neighbors that I don't get involved in silly kid stuff. They nod and agree, and there is not ONE of them that hasn't knocked on my door to tattle about something stupid. Once my son made up a game and gave the kids in the neighborhood a red sticky dot if they did well. My next door neighbor came to tell me her son didn't get enough of the dots and it wasn't fair. The neighbor on the otherside of me was upset because her son was playing basketball with mine and a the ball accidentally hit him in the face causing him pain. It was an ACCIDENT. No one threw it at him. What did she want me to DO? I have gotten calls complaining a piece of paper was thrown at their child to my kid was stung by a bee and it was your son's fault. Hello? The thing is, the kids get over it but there is tension between the adults later. What in the world is wrong with parents? What ever happened to letting them work things out on their own? Does everyone think their little Johnny or Susie is perfect. Get REAL.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Fr_Chuck · Oct 27, 2011, 04:53 PM

If I get ( and I do a few) I tell the other parent unless it would have been something more serious, that they are kids, and they will work it out, and parents should not get involved, Most may not like my answer but I tell them that the kids will be best friends in a few hours and the parents would still be fighting about it.

If there is a issue about a "fight" I ask the other parent if their child would like to come to the Y at the gym and put on mits and actually do a sparring instead of a fight where someone could get hurt. ** Did it a couple of times, the other parents never did it, and was at a loss for words I guess. One parent of a bully did come and want to "box" me, he latter wishes he had not.

classyT · Oct 28, 2011, 08:04 AM

Seriously you boxed a parent? Ha ha. Now I think that IS funny. That's what I would like to do, But normally I sliced them with my razor sharp tongue and later feel bad and call to apologize. It is a terrible. However, I can't do this to the parent in question this time. She is a friend but now I am totally miffed with her. But you are right the kids are over it, I'm not. Ugh.

Where is everyone? It seems dead on here! AMHD is the only thing that gets me through the winter.

Wondergirl · Oct 28, 2011, 08:25 AM

Thank God my kids are over 30! I wouldn't want to be a parent (or kid) nowadays.

There are articles about "helicopter" parents. It sounds like that's what you're encountering -- parents who must be a part of their childs' lives and are stuck to them like an extra limb. My mom couldn't wait to shuffle us out of the house in the morning to go to school or to go outside to play, and didn't want to see us again until it was lunchtime or suppertime. Our battles were ours alone. That's how we've became the wise, independent people we are today! -- we had to work things out for ourselves and either beat each other up to declare a victor or learn to compromise.

classyT · Oct 28, 2011, 08:39 AM

WG,

Exactly! Hey you would think I would be done with the tattletale parents too. My boys are 18 and 13. I would have DIED if my mom would have called another mom at that age. Some parents have no pride, no sense and worse yet, what are they teaching the kids? Tsk tsk.
)

Wondergirl · Oct 28, 2011, 08:50 AM

Well, the parents are definitely not allowing the kids to work out their own conflicts (and that is bad for their kids once the kids are in college and in the workplace) and learn how to compromise.

Note some of the questions we get on this site from teens whose parents haven't allowed them to grow up, who have meddled in every aspect of their lives, and who have never given them choices, but have just ramrodded forward to make the choices themselves.

It makes for pretty pathetic offspring. (Watch Steve Wilkos or Jerry Springer... )

Depressed in MO · Oct 28, 2011, 11:54 AM

I don't know if this exactly falls in the same category, but I personally think it does. A week ago, I let my daughter go to the zoo with her friend (it was a boy her age) and his mom and dad.

She ended up texting me half way through the day saying she was ready to come home-she wasn't having a very good time. So she finally made it home and told me she just wasn't that into him (they are only 13 so it was kind of funny and relieving at the same time to hear that). Well a few days go by and I get a phone call/message from this boy's mom asking me why she hasn't communicated with her son very much since the day at the zoo. I was like really? I didn't even call her back...

I totally know what you mean... just wanted to share my story too.

Wondergirl · Oct 28, 2011, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

She ended up texting me half way through the day saying she was ready to come home-she wasn't having a very good time. So she finally made it home

Did she stick it out and finish the zoo trip, or did you drive over there to rescue her?

a phone call/message from this boy's mom asking me why she hasn't communicated with her son very much since the day at the zoo.

Did your daughter ever talk with the boy to thank him for the invitation and say (gently) that the two of them just don't click? (I don't know how a kid today would explain something like this.)

jenniepepsi · Oct 28, 2011, 12:22 PM

It drives me nuts as well. I don't have any advice for you :( my sister in law and brother do this the most often. The kids will be playing (ages 3, 5, and 8) and some kind of argument or fight will break loose, normally my child because she is the oldest and has the most developed independence compared to the others, and my sister or brother will go rushing out to put a stop to it right away! And I'm like 'let them deal with it, its not like they are sitting on each other and punching the snot out of each other you know? ' lol.

classyT · Oct 28, 2011, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I don't know if this exactly falls in the same category, but I personally think it does. A week ago, I let my daughter go to the zoo with her friend (it was a boy her age) and his mom and dad.

She ended up texting me half way through the day saying she was ready to come home-she wasn't having a very good time. So she finally made it home and told me she just wasn't that into him (they are only 13 so it was kinda funny and relieving at the same time to hear that). Well a few days go by and I get a phone call/message from this boy's mom asking me why she hasn't communicated with her son very much since the day at the zoo. I was like really?! I didn't even call her back...

I totally know what you mean...just wanted to share my story too.

That is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about. What in the world? It's like get real, lady. What mother calls to complain about something like that. Ugh! Thanks for sharing. :)

classyT · Oct 28, 2011, 12:39 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

it drives me nuts as well. i dont have any advice for you :( my sister in law and brother do this the most often. the kids will be playing (ages 3, 5, and 8) and some kind of argument or fight will break loose, normally my child because she is the oldest and has the most developed independence compared to the others, and my sister or brother will go rushing out to put a stop to it right away! and im like 'let them deal with it, its not like they are sitting on each other and punching the snot out of each other you know? ' lol.

Yep! I agree. There was never a time I went to tattle on another kid... never. I handled the issues myself if I needed to. I had one little girl that wanted to play "doctor" with my son every time they played. The mother is one of the mom's I have issues with and her kid could never be wrong. I taught my son to come running to tell me every time the little girl asked to play doctor. He did! That little girl got so sick of him telling me, she left him alone. I never said a word to the mom and that would be the time to say something! But this woman was so nuts, it was best to monitor their play time close rather than deal with her.

Depressed in MO · Oct 28, 2011, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Did she stick it out and finish the zoo trip, or did you drive over there to rescue her?

Did your daughter ever talk with the boy to thank him for the invitation and say (gently) that the two of them just don't click? (I don't know how a kid today would explain something like this.)

:) No I did not drive out there to rescue her. I told her to be polite as the trip was almost over anyway. She just explained to me that he acted very immature (shocker for a 13 yr old boy)...

She says that they both did not communicate very much afterwards. We both thanked his parents before and afterwards so I don't think she was impolite...

I think it was mutual between both kids...

Wondergirl · Oct 28, 2011, 02:05 PM

Good for you and your daughter, DinMo! I wish more parents had that much of a spine. As classyT and jen have pointed out, it's much too easy to wade into a child's social entanglements and resolve them, thus not allowing the child to work out his own solutions.

QLP · Oct 28, 2011, 04:44 PM

Between helicopter parents and spoonfeeding style education (certainly what we have in the UK) kids really don't learn how to think for themselves. Is it any wonder that employers are complaining that many young people are totally ill-equipped for any kind of employment?

Aurora_Bell · Nov 4, 2011, 11:22 AM

My daughter is only 4, but there is this mother at the daycare, one of E's (my daughter) friend. We'll call the daughter K. Well K and E both like this little boy D. K's mom will confront me about D spending too much time with E and K feeling left out. Umm... hello! They are 4! Tomorrow they'll have a new BFF. What am I supposed to do? Tell E to stop playing with D so K doesn't feel left out?

JudyKayTee · Nov 4, 2011, 01:19 PM

Sorry, guys, but I don't agree. I note that the person who "reported" the name calling was a friend. If your friend can't tell you what's going on, who can?

If one of my stepchildren was calling another child names, yes, I'd want to know. It doesn't have to be a "dirty" name. It's agreed that it wasn't a nice name. Name calling is a form of bullying. It doesn't have to be a "nasty" name to hurt. Calling a child "fat" is not a nice name. It still hurts.

I get upset when ANYONE throws the phrase "retard" around - it's not dirty but it is nasty. Yes, I'd want to know.

I'm not saying report every thing, and I do agree kids work it all about between themselves and mothers should stay out of things but knowing this has happened opens the door to discussing bullying and calling other people names whether the mother brings it to the attention of the child that an adult called or not. This would cause me to have a general discussion about name calling and bullying.

Again, sorry, and I'm not saying every transgression should be reported BUT name calling is a form of bullying.

I don't think ignoring rules in sports or not having enough dots on hand are in the same category as name calling.

classyT · Nov 4, 2011, 02:39 PM

Judy,

Well I would want to know if my kid was out there calling him nameS too. He called him something one day. He shouldn't have. It wasn't just some kid, it was one of his best friends. They were over it that day. I took care of it and my son got in trouble but as for ME, I wouldn't have NEVER called her over THAT. An ongoing problem, OK. One incident between friends? Kid stuff. It does depend on circumstance.

JudyKayTee · Nov 4, 2011, 02:51 PM

We come from different positions on this. I would have called. Without that call you wouldn't have known and it's possible that the behavior would have continued and/or escalated.

Of course, we each know our children and what works best. I'm never sure that the one reported incident is the only incident.

One incident of name calling, best friend of not? Yes, I'd like to know. Would I make the call? Sure, if it's a friend's child, absolutely. My friend could then decide what to do next/how to handle it.

I guess we agree to disagree.