[talaniman]

Just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean you should act on them, or allow yourself to be so carried away by them that you cross the lines of good behavior. An adult who influences a child without permission from the parents is crossing that line. Not being fully open and accountable by her parents is also crossing that line, and undermining any actions they see fit to take on this matter. That's dishonest, and deceptive, and while you say you only have the best intentions, your actions are NOT.

Leave her alone until your words and actions match, and you have spoken to her parents, because the FACT is only they can approve of any contact she has with any one. Fact is as an adult you even talking to her without their express knowledge is custodial interference, and you can be prosecuted as such.

Now you can talk of your feelings and intentions all you want, but if you ignore the very real consequences of your actions and the effect they have on a child, and the possible negative effect they will have on her relationship with her parents, then I respectfully submit you while seemingly intelligent, are not as thoughtful and mature as you should be because this is not about what you want, but about good behavior toward a child.

That's the bottom line, and I hope you have enough FACTS to make a good decision for yourself, because feelings don't count when it comes to children, and outside influences.

Leave her alone, and stop influencing someone else's child.

[forksandspoons]

"Not being fully open and accountable by her parents is also crossing that line."

I am sorry, but I am sick of reading this. I have made it clear to her that I MUST have her parents approval before seeing her again. I have stated a few times that I would back off if they gave the word. I also said that not doing so would be selfish, and unfair to her, and her family. Not just parents. I do not want to cause any dysfunction in their home. I don't want them getting mad at her, and would ask them to hate me instead.

"while you say you only have the best intentions, your actions are NOT."

How is that? Was I to ask her parents permission as soon as I met her? How would we have ever known we care for each other? The whole point of meeting your partners family is to do it after the feelings develop. Otherwise it doesn't really work does it?

Our conversations are innocent and appropriate.

I am unable to explain EVERYTHING that I have thought of, because Ive given it hours of thought, and you haven't raised anything new.

[Wondergirl]

What about you? Are you in a good place right now, physically as you heal and emotionally, in general? Do you want to get a bachelor's, which means you'll go back to school? (I think you mentioned that somewhere along the line.) What kind of study? Career possibilities? What about dating young women your age? Is that in the realm of possibility?

[talaniman]

Thoughts and feelings don't amount to a hill of beans, nor do good intentions when weighed against actions that have to be taken. So until you have actually taken steps to talk to her parents then you are WRONG! The right thing to do is leave her alone and stop playing with her young mind and do the right thing.

I don't give a rats patoot how you spin this, it changes nothing, and is just you justifying bad behavior. Your spin of this situation means nothing in light of the FACTS, whether you agree or not. No more excuses. Man up, and do what's right and stop being led down a crooked path by feelings you seem unable to control. That's TROUBLE you are asking for.

[forksandspoons]

I am in a very good place right now. I am just about fully healed from my medical issues. I was granted a medical withdraw last year because of it. I was unable to work and had to collect unemployment. I am now functional again and have been working full time since August.

I was working on a degree in sports administration. Career possibilities include sales, marketing, athletic directing, etc. It is basically like a business degree, with a specialty in sports. I live near Philadelphia and Reading, PA, which have large sports markets with opportunity.

I can get a girl my own age. I have had girls my own age, but I don't want any of them. They are all fake and superficial.

"So until you have actually taken steps to talk to her parents then you are WRONG!"Uhh, I agree, so what is the argument?

Talking about this here, has made me want to push her harder for a parent meet. I agree with you 100% in the quote I included.

"I can get a girl my own age. I have had girls my own age, but I dont want any of them. They are all fake and superficial."

This may be perceived wrong. I just mean that, she is great, just what I want in a girl. I haven't met a girl my age that has made me feel love. Ive had crushes, but not love.

[ScottGem]

I am sorry, but I am sick of reading this. I have made it clear to her that I MUST have her parents approval before seeing her again. I have stated a few times that I would back off if they gave the word. I also said that not doing so would be selfish, and unfair to her, and her family. Not just parents. I do not want to cause any dysfunction in their home. I dont want them getting mad at her, and would ask them to hate me instead.

"while you say you only have the best intentions, your actions are NOT."

How is that? Was I to ask her parents permission as soon as I met her? How would we have ever known we care for each other? The whole point of meeting your partners family is to do it after the feelings develop. Otherwise it doesn't really work does it?

Our conversations are innocent and appropriate.

I am unable to explain EVERYTHING that I have thought of, because Ive given it hours of thought, and you haven't raised anything new.

First, you opened yourself up for this by posting the question. We can only advise based on what we know of the situation.

Second, You should not even be talking to her without her parents approval. Its not just about seeing her, taking to her is an issue.

Third, no you didn't need to ask parental approval as soon as you met her. But as soon as you found out her age, you should not have made any contact with her other than to arrange parental approval. Once you decided that you felt you wanted to continue to talk to her, you should have had one conversation that went like this; I would like to remain in contact with you, but given your age, I need to get your parent's permission first. So when can I meet them?

Finally, you say your conversations are innocent and appropriate. What you aren't getting that just the FACT of your conversations without her parents approval is inappropriate.

[forksandspoons]

What you aren't getting that just the FACT of your conversations without her parents approval is inappropriate.You are right. I am going to bring this up tomorrow.

Cut me some slack here. This is not a normal situation and I am doing the best I can to approach this appropriately and respectfully. Its not like there is a handbook on something like this. I never expected this to happen, it just kind of.. happened.

I may have not been perfect, but overall I think I have done well. My only real mistake was not pushing to meet her parents sooner.

[J_9]

My only real mistake was not pushing to meet her parents sooner.

I disagree. Your only real mistake was not leaving her alone the MINUTE you found out how old she is.

[forksandspoons]

j_9, your trolling is not appreciated, and is unnecessary.

[JudyKayTee]

What you aren't getting that just the FACT of your conversations without her parents approval is inappropriate.You are right. I am going to bring this up tomorrow.

Cut me some slack here. This is not a normal situation and I am doing the best I can to approach this appropriately and respectfully. Its not like there is a handbook on something like this. I never expected this to happen, it just kind of..happened.

I may have not been perfect, but overall I think I have done well. My only real mistake was not pushing to meet her parents sooner.

You are going to bring this up tomorrow? Bring it up with... the 14 year old? Call her parents and set up a meet and greet? I realize you think you've done well. In what aspects of this "relationship" have you done well? The sneaking around behind her parents' back aspect?

Why is this not a "normal" situation. What makes your "love" for a 14 year old when you are an adult any different from all the other adults who are "in love" with a child?

If you don't want to hear this, stop posting... and answering.

[J_9]

j_9, your trolling is not appreciated, and is unnecessary.

I'm sorry you feel that it is unnecessary, however I am a mother of 4 children. Their ages are 25, 24, 18 and 9. Three of these are boys and one girl. My girl is 18. I can tell you what I would do if any of my children were in this situation. By that I mean if my boys were infatuated with a child 6 years younger than themselves, and my daughter with a boy 6 years older than herself.

I was also in a similar situation when I was 18. So I think I have some experience here. But you just don't want to hear it because it's not what you want to hear.

[forksandspoons]

So, to those who do not approve (j9, judy, etc.. )

If I meet her parents, lets say, tomorrow for the sake of discussion, and they approve. I take it from there, and follow their rules and treat the girl with the dignity she deserves, what is the problem? If we can make it 3 and a half years in a platonic relationship, we probably really love each other. It would be well worth the wait.

She will be 18, and I will be 25. Her dad was 20, and mom was 30 when they had her. She has an older brother also. My mom was 19, and dad was 26 when my older sister was born.

[JudyKayTee]

If his mother dated when she was 14 and his father was 21 I see this going nowhere - and that must be the case or this latest post has no relevance.

Be sure to tell the parents that you don't intend to have sex with their daughter until she's legal. That will set their minds at ease.

Oh, it's not just the mothers of daughters. If my son at 21 was "in love" with a 14 year old I would also be concerned about him.

[Wondergirl]

I can get a girl my own age. I have had girls my own age, but I dont want any of them. They are all fake and superficial.

I was reading along regarding your career possibilities and smiling -- until I hit a speed bump. "They" AREN'T all fake and superficial. Heavenly days! Comments like that make me wonder about your maturity. Have you ever heard of the negative effect of universalizing something?

[forksandspoons]

Judy, you also have the ability to leave this thread. I am not going anywhere. If you want to continue with your closed minded answers, be my guest.

My mom did not know my dad when she was 14. Please stop putting words in my mouth.

[J_9]

You have no right to dictate who answers or who answers your questions. You put this question on a public board, you will answers whether you like them or not.

[forksandspoons]

So judy, please answer my question. What is wrong with that? You busted my balls when I overlooked a question.

[DoulaLC]

>>>"American values? That's just code for white middle-class prejudices and discrimination, justification for greed and hatred. I believe in giving everyone, as I encounter them, one at a time the full value of their dignity and their honor in the world, without premature judgment. I call that a value."<<<<

Fork... your first post already judged and stereotyped the people here... but then I think deep down you knew what to expect and that is why you started already on the defensive.

I think you already know what is in the best interest of this young girl but you are hoping that someone, somewhere, will back you up in what you want.

She likely doesn't want you to meet her parents because she too knows deep down what the outcome will be.

Her behavior with the classmates is not all that unusual as you seem to think. I personally know many, many young people who would act, and have acted, the same way. Many even younger than her.

Both of you are at different stages of physical and especially cognitive development. She doesn't realize it, and you likely don't as well. This is not whether you like the same things, or think the same way about things.

Consider how much you have changed since you were 14.

You said that you would never hurt her, but that is what will happen if you push this to go further. If you truly love her as you say you do, give her the time and space needed for her development to take place. Whether you realize it or not, your influence at this time in her life will likely hamper that because of the differences.

It is admirable that you feel so passionately about what you feel, but you need to put what you feel aside, step back, and look at this thoughtfully and with consideration to her best interest at this time in her life.

[forksandspoons]

You have no right to dictate who answers or who answers your questions. You put this question on a public board, you will answers whether you like them or not.I am not dictating anything. She gave me the same option. I am making her aware that no one is forcing her to be here either.

Answer my question please.

Thank you doula. I appreciate this response.

Yes, I started on the defensive. Im not stupid, I know how this situation is seen.

Anyway, she has been the one pushing to see me, not the other way around. I always tell her I need to meet her parents first. We haven't had a very serious discussion about specifics of making it happen, but she would set it up.

[DoulaLC]

Do you know if she has mentioned you to her friends?