[ScottGem]

Actually, it was answered. I feel like all you see are the numbers 21, and 14, because you have overlooked certain things.

I didnt know her age at first. When I did, I told her we had to stop talking, and we did for a week.

I also said, that if I get a no go from her parents, I would back off.

What is your real objection? Can't you see I care for her?

What was answered? How you met? I don't see it, can you please repeat it or reference the post #?

I don't think anyone is overlooking anything. What you fail to understand is we have to go on our experience. And our experience says that an adult having a relationship with a child almost always is wrong and doesn't go well. Will you be the exception? It's possible and I think we are allowing for that possibility.

But the fact remains, that even once you knew her age you reinstated contact WITHOUT talking to her parents FIRST. That to me is objectionable.

And you complain about us not listening to you, but you aren't listening to us. I think most of the responses here have been clear. If you want to continue with this relationship, you get her parents on board before you do ANYTHING more. Whatever our personal feeling about this, it is her parents who have control here. And that has been the consistent message given.

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you for your input judy. There is no sense in us going back and forth. I will never convince you, and thats ok. I dont expect everyone to approve. As a matter of fact, I am very pleased with the amount of support I have got. I was expecting nothing but responses like frchuck. I appreciate you all for hearing me out, and I hope her parents give me the same chance.

There seems to be quite a few intelligent people here. I will be sure to return. Anymore feedback in the meantime would be appreciated.

Here's a thought - answer a direct question and see if you change my mind. You did read that I have asked you several times where/how you met and where/how you met after that?

I assume you feel that the only intelligent people here are those who agree that there is no problem with your relationship as it stands?

Based on this response, your failure to answer direct questions and your general tone I do think you and the 14 year old are on the same emotional/maturity level.

[forksandspoons]

FIRST POST

"I told her I want to meet her parents and ask for their approval before getting more serious."

Was that not clear?

And yea, adult/child relationships usually don't work. I am up against a lot of prejudice, and will turn people against me if her parents give me the green light. Ive thought long and hard about it, and I decided I am up for the challenge. I will take the scrutiny that comes along with, and try my hardest to prove them wrong, for her.

[JudyKayTee]

FIRST POST

"I told her I want to meet her parents and ask for their approval before getting more serious."

Was that not clear?

And yea, adult/child relationships usually dont work. I am up against a lot of prejudice, and will turn people against me if her parents give me the green light. Ive thought long and hard about it, and I decided I am up for the challenge. I will take the scrutiny that comes along with, and try my hardest to prove them wrong, for her.

People have told me a lot of things. It's actions that speak volumes, not words.

You still don't remember where and how you met her?

So - you told a 14 year old that you want to meet her parents but for whatever reason you have not but you are still in contact AND go to her dance recitals to "see" her? Sounds to me like she's a typical 14-year old. The less her parents know, the better.

I'd do less asking and more doing. I keep hearing about your good intentions BUT the relationship has been "on" for some time (apparently) and all "we" hear are good intentions. Keep procrastinating and she'll be "legal" by the time you speak with her parents.

[ScottGem]

FIRST POST

"I told her I want to meet her parents and ask for their approval before getting more serious."

Was that not clear?

And yea, adult/child relationships usually dont work. I am up against a lot of prejudice, and will turn people against me if her parents give me the green light. Ive thought long and hard about it, and I decided I am up for the challenge. I will take the scrutiny that comes along with, and try my hardest to prove them wrong, for her.

Nope its not clear enough. What you should have said is; "I want to meet her parents and ask for their approval before we do ANYTHING more." The more contact you have with her before getting her parents approval, the harder it makes for the parents to approve. If I were in their shoes I would see an adult trying to start a relationship with a child behind my back. And I would cut it off.

[forksandspoons]

"Here's a thought - answer a direct question and see if you change my mind. You did read that I have asked you several times where/how you met and where/how you met after that?"I said, a friend of a friend. We were at a picnic party. Saw her the next day as well and learned of her age. Since then Ive been calling her.

I assume you feel that the only intelligent people here are those who agree that there is no problem with your relationship as it stands?

Thank you for your input judy. There is no sense in us going back and forth. I will never convince you, and thats ok. Yes. You are correct.

Based on this response, your failure to answer direct questions and your general tone I do think you and the 14 year old are on the same emotional/maturity level.
Are you serious? What is wrong with you?

[JudyKayTee]

Are you serious? What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me. That's why I'm not posting questions like this on an open forum.

If you don't want to continue the conversation stop responding.

[ScottGem]

First, thank you for supplying how you met. I don't recall reading that previously.

Based on this response, your failure to answer direct questions and your general tone I do think you and the 14 year old are on the same emotional/maturity level.
Are you serious? What is wrong with you?

Again, you are close to the line here. I don't see anything wrong with Judy's read here. I've been saying similar. I will, again, remind you to be polite and civil.

[odinn7]

It's already been said in one way or another but I can tell you, if a 21 year old guy came to me wanting to have a relationship with my 14 year old daughter, well... My first response would not be all that friendly and if I found it continuing anyway, I would do anything I could to put a stop to it. I don't care what the intentions are or how wonderful and super the guy is. 14 is still just a kid and there is no business for an adult guy to be dealing with a kid that age... doesn't matter what the reasons.

I also agree with Judy... most of the people that agree with you probably don't have kids. Once you have kids, you look at things completely differently than you do before kids.

I find it amusing that you came on here and started this (and your very first post was defensive right off the bat) and you're all pissed off at the responses you got from some people... not to mention that you keep saying you don't need to defend yourself. Really?

[Wondergirl]

We've asked about your cultural background. I know that being from a 100% German background has colored my feelings and attitudes about things, even though I'm a fourth-generation German-American, so am totally American.

Am curious about you -- and also about the girl. I know from doing counseling how important culture can be in a relationship and how it can affect families getting along with other families. Could cultural differences become a stumbling block for you and your future with this girl?

[forksandspoons]

I haven't demonstrated that I am pissed whatsoever. I thanked those who agreed, and disagreed with me. Not sure what you are getting at.

Wondergirl, you have been the most helpful person here. {Insults removed}

She is part Puerto Rican, Italian, and German.

I am half Italian, half german.

Her hispanic genes are not very apparent.

[odinn7]

Don't play stupid... I can read. I read this thread. I can see what you wrote and how you got mad at Fr_Chuck and jumped Judy a few posts back.

[Wondergirl]

Thank you for remaining objective and reasonable.

You're welcome -- must be my Teutonic pragmatism at work.

She is part Puerto Rican, Italian, and German.

I am half Italian, half german.

That sounds like a good meeting of cultural norms and beliefs. What other commonalities do the two of you have -- things that could be advantages that would help you as you build a case to present to her parents?

Would there be opportunities for both families to get together and do things together?

Let me tell you a story about a young teen girl. Years ago when I was fourteen or so, I idolized my first cousin who was (and probably still is) a very handsome guy, is well-spoken, smart, clever, was very mature and a student at Yale (so he was in his late teens or early 20s). He talked to me like I was an adult, didn't put me down or tease me, treated me respectfully. I drooled over him almost as much as I drooled over the then heart-throb Pat Boone. (Oh, the memories!)

But then something amazing happened. I discovered boys once I started high school. To date, the only boys I had known were from my small town and were like brothers since I'd known them for years. I was with these delicious high school boys every day in class, but my cousin was around only on occasional weekends when he came to visit us from college.

My drooling for my cousin stopped as drooling over male classmates commenced. I'm guessing this will be your young lady friend's experience too.

[forksandspoons]

That sounds like a good meeting of cultural norms and beliefs. What other commonalities do the two of you have-- things that could be advantages that would help you as you build a case to present to her parents?

As I said before, in the story of the girl at school that gets made fun of. It shows me that we share common values. I am very big on treating people right. We like the same kind of food, we both like video games, we like amusement parks, shopping, sports. Our idea of fun is going out and driving go carts on a Friday night or just staying home and watching a movie, not getting drunk and screwing. Our idea of a relationship is companionship, being there for each other, not sex.

[ScottGem]

Actually the oddity here is that this may work against you. It appears that you both have strong moral and ethical values. The problem this causes for you is that the likelihood is she got those values from her parents. And parents that were able to instill such values on a 14 yr old are also very unlikely to approve of this relationship.

I'm not trying to discourage from talking to them, just preparing you for disappointment.

[forksandspoons]

Scott, I don't know why I can't message you. This board is very different than one I am used to. I really didn't mean to be rude. Please don't lock this as I am sincere in saying that there are smart people here and I am finding it very helpful.

That is a good point. I really don't have the highest of hopes, but I am going to do it first chance I get.

[ScottGem]

You have to be a member for a certain amount of time to send PMs.

I have found this thread mostly to be a good discussion. And I think you have gotten a lot of good advice, though you may not agree that some of it has been good. Otherwise I might have closed it already. But, your own admittedly, sharp tongue, has gotten the better of you sometimes. One of the problems we face with this medium is that we only get 30% of communication here. We miss the audio and visual cues that come with face to face communication. You have to go into this with the assumption that people are trying to help you.

[forksandspoons]

For sure. I did agree with the majority of it. I didn't mean to give the impression that I was angry. I know this is serious taboo here and I have a good conscience. I am literally prepared to go to her door and be greeted with a fist to the face.

Anyway, I will definitely be back around. I found this place via Google and it was just what I was looking for. It seems most of you are older than me, educated, and some parents.

[JudyKayTee]

I have just re-read and find that the word "love" is thrown around very loosely.

At any rate - hopefully now OP speaks with the parents and life goes on. When he DOES speak with the parents I would leave out the part about how long he's going to wait to have sex with their daughter.

[ScottGem]

Well good luck to you and keep us posted.