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    annabelle28's Avatar
    annabelle28 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 19, 2011, 10:09 AM
    Husband prefers porn/masturbation because it's "easier."
    I have struggled with the situation for years & I want to consider all possibilities before I end an 8-year marriage. I should have probably left him a long time ago, but I'm not a "quitter" & I want to make sure I've done everything in my power first before I make a final decision.

    My husband & I dated only for a few months before we got married and moved in together. During the move, I discovered his Playboy magazine collection (a large bag of it), but dismissed it as a single guy's visual aids. In the first 3-4 months of living together our sex life declined from once a day to 3-4 times/week to once a week. After about 6-8 months, it became almost once a month & it remained that way for years.

    I tried to talk to him calmly & kindly about the issue & he is cold and seems unable to fully express his feelings. After I finish telling him what bothers me he just ignores me by starting to play a video/phone game or leaves because of a work issue.

    Last year, after I got pregnant he stopped having sex with me for 6-7 months. It was awful. A few years ago I started initiating intimacy & he usually had sex with me, but I stopped doing it a couple of years after because I feel humiliated to be the one "begging" for it all the time.

    I discovered all the porn sites he visits on the internet and asked him to stop because I didn't feel comfortable about it & I would like to be the object of his desire & make passionate love to him.

    About me: I'm 5'7", red head, D-cup (natural) & I'm good looking by all standards. I have no physical defects & am considered attractive by many men. I'm not a nag, I'm calm, supportive, encouraging, and self-sacrificing. I indulge all his pleasures; I believe in being open to anything that is not violent or painful.

    A couple of weeks ago he went to a bachelor's party with his friends, was gone for 15 hours, spent $1,200, went to a strip club, got a lap dance (maybe more, who knows) & came back home drunk at 4:30AM saying he stayed that late because he was having too much fun...

    The other day I asked him if he still watched porn & masturbated & why he would replace our sex life with that. He said he masturbated rather than having sex with me because it was easier. His response puzzled me because I even skip foreplay, never ask him for anything special & always make sure he's taken care of...

    I suspect he is addicted to porn & masturbating and I'm looking for some insight from a man's perspective.

    I apologize for the detailed story, but I wanted to share as many pertinent details as possible.

    I'm inclined to think he's an empty jerk and be done with him... as many others have said, I definitely deserve better. But... what if it's just an illness & I'm failing to understand and help him. I appreciate all the help you can give.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #2

    Oct 19, 2011, 02:06 PM
    He is being honest at least when he says it is easier.

    What is his life like? Stress? Exhaustion/tired? Other addictions? IE, pot, alcohol, hard drugs. Does he have any known mental disorders?

    I would suggest couples counselling. I am not sure that porn is the problem or merely symptomatic of a deeper problem.
    annabelle28's Avatar
    annabelle28 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 19, 2011, 02:57 PM
    Thank you for your response, CravenMorhead!
    His life is rather stressful although it used to be worse.
    He had a pot addiction in high school, but he overcame that by his senior year.
    Until about 2 years ago, he used to get quite drunk. He did not drink every day, maybe just once a week, but when he did, he always got really hammered, he could never stop after 1-2 drinks.
    There are no other addictions that I know of, but I could say he has an addictive personality. Once he gets into something he'll do that all the time, to exhaustion. For a while it was video games, currently it's sports, any sports any games, taking over all of his free time.
    I suspect a deeper issue from which this behavior stems. And the lack of sex is only one of the negative aspects of our relationship and much of his behavior comes across as selfishness: not helping with any household chores, not helping with heavy groceries, leaving me home when sick because he wants to see a movie with a friend, standing me up while on a date to go play sports with friends, not wanting to walk me inside from parking lot after being attacked in from of my door because he doesn't want to put on a shirt & shoes or interrupt playing video games... I could go on & on forever.
    Bottom line, I'm trying to understand the underlying issue & make a decision... the best decision for everyone.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    Oct 19, 2011, 04:38 PM
    I would come back and post when you want to hear from a woman's perspective, not just a man's.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #5

    Oct 19, 2011, 08:05 PM
    Annabelle, after reading both of your posts, I think there is a deeper problem than porn. From his drug usage to his porn usage, he seems to be into escaping from reality and anything that could be seen as being responsible at home. It's like he has no coping skills for dealing with stress or pressure of any type. How is his work history?

    You mention your pregnancy last year. Other than not having sex with you for several months, how did he react to being a father? Does he help take care of his child?

    I know your main focus in asking for relationship advice is on the two of you, but is this a healthy environment for a child?

    Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you? I will be honest in that I think he needs counseling for himself. It could help him learn more proactive methods of stress relief. If he won't go, would you consider it for yourself as a way to give you support from a neutral source. I think it might help you make decisions for your future from a more stable position.

    I truly hope everything works out for the best for you. Good luck.
    annabelle28's Avatar
    annabelle28 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Oct 20, 2011, 07:40 AM
    JudyKayTee,
    I'm open to hearing a woman's perspective although I already have a few (mine & a couple of my friends').

    Cat1864,
    I really appreciate your response. He was excited to know he'd be a father, he is a good father (not great - he still puts himself above anyone else), and he wants to be involved with his daughter, I think mainly because he had an awful dad who was never there for him. But if an opportunity comes along to go hang out with friends or play his video games, he will choose that over spending time with our daughter.
    I do keep in mind the type of environment in which my daughter will live. I don't want her to grow up seeing this possibly failed marriage and build this model of a marriage in her mind. It's a big decision...
    450donn's Avatar
    450donn Posts: 1,821, Reputation: 239
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    #7

    Oct 20, 2011, 11:36 AM
    The way I see it you have basically three choices. Stick it out with this looser. Get him to admit he has a problem and seek professional help, or RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
    You have given him 8 years of your life and so far he has not shown any desire to fix the problems, so, no matter how much it hurts now, it might be far better to loose this jerk and move on with raising your daughter alone.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #8

    Oct 20, 2011, 06:33 PM
    It sounds like you are raising two children. That isn't fair to you or your daughter. She needs a father not an older sibling.

    It also sounds like he didn't have a good role model in how to be a man, husband or father. Would he be willing to talk to a neutral person who can guide him in learning? It won't be easy and it will take a lot of work on his part.

    If he is willing, are you willing and able to help him and be firm but patient as he goes through the process?

    If he isn't willing, then I think you may already know what you need to do. I do think counseling for yourself will help you make your decisions based on facts and not only emotions. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, he will still be your child's father and as such part of your lives.

    I hope everything works out for the best.
    Thegoodwife's Avatar
    Thegoodwife Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 17, 2012, 09:34 AM
    Hi.. I have just read your post and found it interseting. Have you overcome this problem? Did you have a problem with masturbation in general? I am worried that I may be heading towards this kind of problem. Can you read my post and let me know your thoughts? I'd appreciate it very much. Thanks.
    L2012nyc's Avatar
    L2012nyc Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Apr 17, 2012, 05:29 PM
    My boyfriend does the same thing and has told me the same thing. The only difference is my boyfriend prefers men. Hopefully that is not your problem. 8 years later and I am just realizing this. It's a long story and I'm tired, but I will say he has always masturbated several times a day and never been ashamed to watch porn while doing it (even while having sex porn is on sometimes). Also, went to strip clubs with his friends (used to be a stripper/dancer himself). Took me once and had a girl do a lapdance for me. By the way, we are 40 :o( Sad, sad, sad that I wasted 8 years with this man because he's too ashamed to be who he really is.

    I asked him the same thing before, why doesn't he want to have sex and he actually said he masturbates to my pictures or porn because it's easier.
    L2012nyc's Avatar
    L2012nyc Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 17, 2012, 05:40 PM
    I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate your husband was gay. I was just letting you know my "bf" (we are only roommates now, btw) told me the same thing. It came out wrong... really wrong, lol. I should have put a big LOL after the "hopefully not your problem."
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #12

    Apr 17, 2012, 09:16 PM
    Just a kind reminder. You're thread jacking a old thread. Six months is a long time to be away.

    If you have a question or concern please start a new thread or use the thread you've already started. I am looking at you TheGoodWife.
    L2012nyc's Avatar
    L2012nyc Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 17, 2012, 09:46 PM
    Sorry! I'm new here and was advised by a therapist to search for online support, lol. Guess I'm doing it wrong, ha! I'll be good from this point on. Can someone delete my posts?
    Thegoodwife's Avatar
    Thegoodwife Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Apr 17, 2012, 11:54 PM
    Ok. Sorry craven.
    It's OK. My husband definitely isn't gay. Sorry to hear your storey :-(
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #15

    Apr 18, 2012, 03:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by L2012nyc View Post
    I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate your husband was gay. I was just letting you know my "bf" (we are only roommates now, btw) told me the same thing. It came out wrong......really wrong, lol. I should have put a big LOL after the "hopefully not your problem."


    "LOL" is also not terribly appropriate - this is not a chat site. You might get some benefit from reading what and how other people post.

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