[needanswers11]

I just turned 30 years old and my husband is 31 years old... He was my first boyfriend and I have known him for a total of 8 years... We had a normal relationship before we were married. We have been married for 5 years but it seems as though everything was normal right up until we got married and right after our honeymoon he lost interest in sex and in me.

I can count the times my husband has kissed me in the last 5 years(with tongue) on two hands... He has told me that he does not like to kiss and when I try he just keeps his lips sealed and will not attempt it. He has made many excuses such as... "You haven't brushed your teeth (although I have and brush religiously every day), "You have stinky breath" (he literally says it that way too) and the worst excuse of all was "I don't want to mess up my teeth."

As far as sex goes, I feel ugly and unattractive because I almost always have to ask for it or else he won't do it. He often has an excuse to get out of doing it though... "You're on your period" or "You're about to start your period... " "You're sick and I don't want to get sick... " "I have no energy... " When we do have sex it's not very good... He doesn't try, he uses his hand but most of the time it just hurts! He also does not take his clothing off during sex. He will only remove his boxers and it just always seems like he doesn't enjoy it.

I just wish he could be more wild and "want" me, make me feel desired. I feel as though there is something wrong with me and at my age it's just depressing... I'd like to have kids someday but he doesn't come and to be honest I don't even know what it looks like anymore! I've been told that when a man comes you should be able to feel it inside you and it can drip out at times. This is never the case with me though, I never feel anything and am almost 100% positive that he doesn't come.

I have tried to do things for him to give him pleasure but he will not let me, tells me it is "gross" and doesn't like that. Of course he has never done that for me either. I cannot even touch he balls because he says it "tickles" and he doesn't like it. It is extremely frustrating for me, I feel very sexually deprived and very confused. I love him and I know he loves me as well but I feel as though he is not sexually attracted to me.

We have other marital problems as well and when I try to bring up the fact that he doesn't kiss me and doesn't like sex, he raises his voice at me and doesn't want to talk about it. I cannot talk to him about the way he makes me feel because it makes him so angry. He ultimately just wants me to be happy with limited and very short sexual activity, no foreplay and no kissing. After sex, which usually lasts about 5 minutes he will get up and clean himself right away.

I feel as though I am with him because I feel security in this relationship, I have low self esteem so I feel as though I KNOW he will never leave me but someone else might. He was my first boyfriend and I married him. I am decent looking and I was a model when I was younger but he doesn't make me feel that way. I have VERY good morals so I would NEVER cheat on him of course but my friends say that if they were in my situation they would have cheated on their spouse...

I need some advice... I am very confused... Time is flying, I'm getting older and I'd like to have a family someday but I am beginning to lose hope. I'm planning on going to a fertility doctor to make sure that I am fertile in case I am the problem, but if it's not me, then I will know he really isn't ejaculating at all.

[JudyKayTee]

I am not sure that your problems in the bedroom aren't the result of the "other problems" in your marriage. It also seems flippant but when was the last time he had a physical exam?

Not everyone can feel her partner ejaculate and semen doesn't necessarily "drip" out of the female following sex - the amount of ejaculate and the pleasure involved are two very different issues.

If you could do whatever you wanted to do without any sorts of ramifications, what would you do? Leave him? Stay in the relationship? Try counselling? What does your heart (and gut) say?

Sometimes when you're very unhappy knowing he will never leave you is small consolation.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree, that perhaps he has other performance issues and refuses sex instead of seeking help.

But almost always "other" problems will lead to bedroom issues.

Have you looked into counseling ?

[Cat1864]

He was definitely not like this before you married? No warning signs or red flags?

There is something going on within him. It may be physical. It may be mental. However, it is not you.

How is the rest of the relationship? Is he as fastidious about other things? Does everything have to be clean? What was his life like growing up? What is/was his parents' (or other adults who might have influenced his view of marriage) relationship like?

I am going to be blunt and it may seem harsh but it really isn't meant that way. Please stop trying to have children until you get the issues in your marriage fixed (or being worked on.) Be honest with yourself about what a child's life would be like in your current living arrangements. Would it be a healthy environment for a child to grow up in?

I think you need to look into counseling. You need to see that his issues may affect you but they are not your issues. You cannot handle them for him. If at all possible, he needs to look into counseling for himself. Marriage counseling might be a way to ease him into seeing someone for himself. It may also impress on him how much the problems are hurting you.

If he refuses to even think about getting help or discuss the issues, go about getting help for yourself. I think if you sat down and talked to a neutral person like a counselor you would begin to see that you can't change him, but you can change yourself. Give yourself the tools to build up your self-confidence. It will help you make more informed choices about your relationship and future.

Good luck.

[needanswers11]

I have decided to go to counseling by myself for a few sessions and hopefully he will eventually join me. As far as cleanliness, yes he is a an extremely clean person, very organized, often makes me feel as though I don't do anything right, he is always right and I am always wrong, I have some attachment issues with him but I guess it is because he was my first and only. He is a germophobe, doesn't like kissing or sex but he was not this way before we were married so I'm not sure what happened since then and he will not talk about it. When I try to bring it up he gets really angry with me. It's very difficult for me to deal with...