Wife Caught Sexting... Can We Fix This?
My wife and I both have outgoing personalities. I never have a problem going into a room where I don't know a soul, and coming out with several new friends. I [tastefully] compliment others on their appearance, I may extend a conversation a few extra minutes, or treat a coworker to a special surprise if asked to pick them up something for lunch (for example, I was stepping out for an errand at work, and planned on stopping for lunch on the way back. I asked everyone at the office if they wanted me to pick them up something as well... I had four people respond yes, all female. As a nice gesture, I bought each of them a chocolate brownie as a dessert. It was appreciated by all.)
My wife, on the other hand, seems to have a different idea of what is tasteful. A few months ago she tells me she was in a conversation with a coworker and the conversation had some sexual overtones. She told me she said something that made him blush, and that was the end of it. She said they have been flirting off and on for a while, and it made her feel deisreable and sexy. I thought that was strange she would offer that sort of a story. A few days later, she tells me she again engaged in a conversation with this same coworker, and at some point he suggested they meet at a hotel for alone time. She told me she said, no, and because I knnow what she does for a living, can believe that she didn't take him up on it. I first questioned her on how a conversation goes from zero (innocent flirting) to 100mph (lets get a room). She couldn't answer. I asked what she said that made him think he could suggest that. She couldn't remember. I told her I was concerned that he was prowling, and could be mad if this happened again, thinking that because the conversation was going, he had a shot of getting inside her. I discussed my belief that anything sexually suggestive or explicit isn't appropriate for anyone to talk about unless they had genuine interest in the other person, and it was wrong for married folks to talk that like with others they are not married to. Could be a fine line for me to say that because I admit to some tasteful flirting, but never do my flirts contain sexually graphic content, or suggestions to meet up at a hotel.
She tells me a few days later that she talked to him and he was "cool" with it, saying he wouldn't get mad. She also told me that he said "who would we hurt if we did [go to a hotel]?" She went on to tell me how he had a twisted sense of what was right/wrong. I told her to stay away, that even thou he said he wouldn't get mad if she turned him down, I was still concerned he would do something to harm her.
A few weeks later, I plug in her phone to charge overnight, and I see she has 2 unread text messages. I have NEVER been on to snoop, but something told me to read what was pending. 2 inocuous texts from friends. But...there were 30 texts in her list from this guy at work. These were not conversations done face to face, these were text messages sent/received between the two of them. He tells her he wishes she would just take him up on his offer to stay in a hotel for some alone time. He tells her things like "I thought about you this morning." and she responds with "you should be thinking about where my tattoo is at." He tells her she is sexy, smart, hot, beautiful, and most of a f--king tease. He tells her he thinks about her often. Her response is "I think about you too much, I may end up going to hell." He again affirms his invite to spend time in a hotel, and she responds with "too bad you are not on call this weekend [my husband] is going out of town."
Now, the texts get more and more graphic from him, telling her he has a picture "in his head" of her laying on a bed, in sexy panties and no top. He asks her to invite him over one night when [her husband] is out of town and the kids can spend the night with grandparents, so he can see it in person for himself. Instead of turning him away, she tells him "I'm going to [be out of town for a few days], do you want to come?" His response was "you know I do, I wish your invite were serious." And she finishes with "me too."
Theres lots more, like, while getting a ride in his "fancy" car from her office to the employee parking lot, tells him she was thinking about holding his hand, and he is so hot she has to keep her hands to herself. How she wants to be able to be in his car and not want to be naked, how I have been the only man to be intimate with her and how she needs time to think about what is right for her and this other dude. She tells him on more than one occasion she thinks about him, that he makes her feel special, and asks if she makes him feel special.
All of this is very suspect to me. When I asked her if he knew she was going out of town, she lied, saying he knows nothing. When I asked if he knew I was going out of town, she lied saying he knows nothing. When I asked if she thought about him a lot, she claims she doesn't. After a heated, sexually charged, text conversation between her and this guy, I tell her I can read all of her texts and knew the truth. When I asked why she lied, she tells me that she was afraid I was going to hit her. We've been married 14yrs, have been together for 22yrs, and I have never...NEVER...N E V E are been violent. When we were discussing this, when I asked these questions, I never moved off the seat cushion on the sofa. Yes, I raised my voice, yes I raised my hands in animation, but NEVER made a fist, NEVER made a threatening gesture towards her, never yelled (our three kids were asleep upstairs, open doors, and with an open floorplan could hear everything.
When I asked a few days later why lie, she told me she didn't want to hurt me.
We are on month 2 of trying to sort through this. We have an appointment with a marriage and family counselor tomorrow (finally). She has answered a few questions with specific answers. However, my specific questions are met with a blanket answer, questions like "how can someone pick up a phone and text "I thought about you this weekend" to another person without any feeling, and without any prompt from that person, yet tell me there's not thought, no feelings, not from the heart. She's told this guys he's hot, has expressed jealousy for his other girlfriends because they "get to do 'stuff' with [him]". Sometimes she answers my questions with a question. Like, do you think I think about him? Um, yeah...because you tell him five times in three days you thought about him, you think about him, and how he makes you feel special. Hello?
I have prepared myself (I think) to hear things like "I have a crush on him," or "I felt like I was falling for him," or "I wondered what it would be like to be with another man," or something along those lines.
As odd as it sounds, I am still madly in love with this woman. I have told her repeatedly, I have no plans to leave or end our relationship over this. I would rather her tell me the truth, crush me if that's what would happen, but in doing so, we'd work together to build US back up as a strounger unit so we can understand how it got this way and what I/we need to do to help minimize the possibility it won't happen again. I feel hurt, betrayed, and slighted. I feel like she can't trust me enough to share our innermost thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, I'm sorry for being verbose in this post. Any comments are appreciated.
Counseling tomorrow, first visit. Wish us luck.
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