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lizad_1994 · Oct 9, 2011, 04:01 PM

When I was 8 I was sexually abused by a family member and after that I began to steal money from a relative. My parents found out I'd been stealing money and I tried to kill myself. I'd put my past to the back of my mind for years until one day I was watching a TV show 3 years ago and the memories came flooding back. In this time I've tried to take my own life many times. One day I told a friend in school everything came flooding out and a few months later they told a school counsellor my mum was called into the school and I just told her it wasn't true, that they had exaggerated and twisted my words. Every time I am with a guy it will never work out they will always deny meeting up with me to their friends and I don't understand what I do wrong. I'm sorry this question is a jumble but I've kept this in for so many years and I need advice I can't live like this anymore.

talaniman · Oct 9, 2011, 09:18 PM

You have not given your age so its hard to know how to help, nor what happened with your suicide attempts, but you need someone to talk to who can guide you through the healing process without taking it out on yourself.

Talk to me.

QLP · Oct 10, 2011, 02:33 AM

Firstly, well done for sharing with us. As someone who also suffered sexual abuse in the past I know that cannot have been easy.

Oddly enough I had forgotten that I too went through a spell of stealing as a child. Kids who have been having a tough time often do. I'm no psychologist so I can't give you a clever explanation as to why. I think for me I just wanted to make myself feel good, however briefly, since a lot of things in my life made me feel bad. Perhaps also on some level I was angry at the adults who should have been protecting me and caring for me and stealing from them was a small way of getting pay-back. Maybe, also, being abused made me feel like a bad person - so I might as well start acting bad. Of course I wasn't brave enough to be out and out bad in an openly rebellious way - at least not at that age. Stealing was a secret, sneaky way to be bad - just like being abused was a secret, sneaky bad thing happening to me.

I can understand why when confronted about this by the counsellor and your mum you denied it. All those confusing feelings and the fear of what would happen next if the truth came out. The panic about being pushed into talking about it when you weren't ready.

Believe me you can get through this and learn to feel better about yourself. When you do you will find relating to other people a lot easier. Many who visit the site, including myself, have done so. It won't always be easy but you can do it. I bet you don't feel like that now but try and trust me just a little bit on this.

I too would like to know how old you are now. It would help us work out what might best help you. For now please keep talking to us. Tell us a lilttle more about your life now and anything else you feel you want to share.

lovelyrose1026 · Oct 10, 2011, 07:03 AM

My grandfather did the same to me and of course I said something to my mom but it was really hard.. but I'm glad I told her so the same wouldn't happen to my baby sisters. I told her because I couldn't stand keeping the truth locked up inside me. I was 11. You did the right thing saying something and letting it be known. But living with it concealed is unhealthy for you... No matter how hard it is to cope you need to talk to someone that understands well what you're going through.

lizad_1994 · Oct 10, 2011, 09:32 AM

Im sorry I didn't tell my age I forgot in the heat of it all. It's my seventeenth birthday in two weeks. Thank you all for your kind and helpful comments. Well I don't know what to say about the suicide attempts I never succeeded. I always had the feeling my mother knew what my brother had done. One day she sat me down and asked me and it was until later did I realise it's not a question you would ask a small child without reason. But I denied. It's strange for me because I do get on very well with my brother now and I wonder how he cannot feel bad. My life at the moment is OK I have ups and downs. When I have a boyfriend I'm OK because I feel safe and not lonely but I fall easily in love and I have a fiery temper if I was testing them but never in person. In school I am bright this year I have gotten A grades in all my tests and am very well liked. But for some reason I'll still go home and every night I will cry myself to sleep. I don't know what I can do and I hope the new information was satisfactory. Hope to hear from ye soon.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2011, 11:47 AM

How old is your brother?

lizad_1994 · Oct 10, 2011, 01:16 PM

He is now 22.

QLP · Oct 11, 2011, 03:04 AM

How would you feel about talking to your mum about it now?

lizad_1994 · Oct 11, 2011, 12:01 PM

No I'm not going to not while I'm still living here maybe when I'm older

talaniman · Oct 11, 2011, 01:12 PM

So when this happened your brother was 12? Could it be he was too young to know what harm he was causing you, and to ashamed now to confront it? Have you two ever talked about it? You say the relationship is good now, so I see your anger directed mostly at yourself, and a lot of resentments for maybe lack of proper support?

Of course I am fishing, but I have seen many people act in many harmful ways to unresolved feelings of hurt, anger, and old deep resentments. It can be overcome with guidance. Unless your feelings are dealt with, they can come out in some very strong harsh ways. That can happen to us all, no matter how well adjusted we are, or intelligent, or calm we appear to be.

I think you are seeking such a coping tool to deal with what's inside of you. Are you? I also see a fear of confronting your mom, or your brother, maybe you don't know HOW, and that's understandable at such a young age. Confronting is a bad term, talking would be a better one. I doubt you have ever had a sympathetic ear, that had the power to guide you to the support you need.

Then you wouldn't have to cry alone. THAT THE PROBLEM I think. You are alone, you think.

lizad_1994 · Oct 11, 2011, 02:49 PM

He was 13 maybe 14 I believe he is actually 22 now. Yes I suppose it could be but he surely remembers now. No we have never uttered a word about it since. I think I'm confused I'm not quite sure what feelings I have. But it is true I want a coping tool and I am most definitely lonely. I think after my friends to the school councillor I stopped trusting in them too. So now I never tell them anything. It's hard bottling things up but I can't trust them.

0rphan · Oct 14, 2011, 12:09 PM

Hi Lizad,

I know you will not talk to your Mum about this or any member of your family,but would you seek some help from a counciller?

I don't know where you are,Lizad, but here in England,people your age can go to young peoples clinics for help on anything, including councilling.They do not have to have an adult with them,and can come and go as they wish knowing that everything that is said within those walls are between them and their counciller.There is a law of ethics that prevents them from speaking out to anyone.

I was just wondering if there is anything like this where you are? You would be able to speak freely.
Just to be able to empty your head of all your worries and fears would make a huge difference,the sheer fact of actually telling someone about this experience,how it makes you feel,eventually how to deal with it and put it to rest.
This will enable you to move on with your life.

talaniman · Oct 14, 2011, 01:25 PM

I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for the way you have handled yourself through this. You may e helpless to make any changes because you are young, but you already are using some coping skills already, and that's trusting YOURSELF, and further PROTECTING yourself for the time being. That's something to build on as you seek and find that one ear to listen to you and understand you. Maybe no one is helping right now, but I see you finding an older wiser person you do trust.

Until you do, know that you are not alone as many have been through traumas, and episodes in younger years that haunt us still, as we have had to find our own coping skills, and strategies to overcome the incidents, and the mistrust and isolation that comes with it.

What I think would help you now is to keep telling yourself that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, and should not punish yourself for the actions of another. Believe and KNOW, that as you survived the incident, YOU WILL survive the pain that it has caused you.

Are you open to calling a teen hotline to connect with others who share your experiences?

Childhood Sexual Abuse

They can answer some questions for you and guide you to the right people.