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Just Looking · Nov 16, 2011, 03:02 PM

If you can't block the e-mails at work, just don't read them. I'd look into identifying them as spam so they go into your spam box instead of your inbox. Do you have an IT department that could block the e-mails?

You are right not to pay in cash. You not only don't want to see him but you want proof of payment. Do banks there issue certified checks? If not, I like your idea of sending a check. You might want to make a post on the legal board to see if there is something else you can do to protect yourself - maybe some wording as to full and final payment, for example.

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talaniman · Nov 16, 2011, 04:00 PM

Make the bum wait for his money, and block his emails to work is a great idea.

vanheart · Nov 16, 2011, 04:54 PM

I agree.

Just never respond. Or look, if possible.
Forget what you owe him. Nothing, I say...

How much is pain worth?

Send his crap. Suck it up & keep doing what you are doing.
The right thing.

Here's a funny story. My first real love ask for for the couple hundred bucks she had lent me.
For a Moog. I was broke & in college.

I was so desperate, even after I found out she was sleeping with her co-worker.
I ended up giving it back to her.

Karma works in lots of ways.
I never should have.

Wish I still had that Moog.

Dee75 · Nov 22, 2011, 09:49 AM

Thanks all for your help with my problem. I emailed him from a temporary email account and sternly said that I intended to seek legal advice and appoint a solicitor to act as an intermediary with regard to paying back the money I owed him. It was very straight to the point; he responded with his bank account details so I have been able to pay it that way. Thank god that is now done. I then deleted the email account immediately so that any attempted communication to it just failed and bounced back. The texts and emails have stopped now as he has no way of contacting me. BUT I have had 2 letters through the postal system and 1 letter hand delivered very very early one morning (he drives through my town to work at 6am). The letters aren't threatening, they are just an attempt to get me to contact him to talk and he tries to make me feel bad for dumping him saying that he did everything for me and that I was his life etc etc. I haven't responded. Each day is getting a little better but I feel down and lonely sometimes. Finding it hard to concentrate at work also but I am trying to be strong. I will not contact him, I know that, but I really want to get back to feeling normal. Thanks again. Dee.

talaniman · Nov 22, 2011, 10:10 AM

You will in time feel normal again, once you get back into the swing of your life, and put this behind you. One day at a time. A few good days will surely help, so treat yourself to something very nice.

Dee75 · Dec 2, 2011, 01:59 PM

Ah well, I came down with the flu and then a chest infection (probs due to all the recent stress). Just starting to get better. All his stuff is now returned but I am still getting letters through the post a few times a week. Mainly begging for me to contact him and saying that he doesn't deserve being ignored after all the times he took me out and paid ! He likes to remind me of everything that he did for me but doesn't mention the nasty, horrible way he behaved on many occasions. I haven't crumbled even though the loneliness is kicking in now, especially since I have had time off work and been pretty much housebound with this damn illness. It helps to post on here and I have been trying to contact some old friends. I am meeting up with a couple of them over Christmas. But I am looking forward to getting back to full health, getting back to work and maybe starting a new hobby or course in the new year. It doesn't help when I get letters (and a Christmas card) from him as it drags up everything inside my head.

amicon · Dec 2, 2011, 02:22 PM

I'm sorry you have been poorly;it's good you are making plans for the future.

Bin his letters etc without reading them,if he keeps writing to you, see a solicitor and have them contact him about harassing you.

Focus on healing and moving on.

Take care.

vanheart · Dec 4, 2011, 10:54 PM

Im giving you respect. You are doing all of the right things. Stay on track.

Glad you are realizing what comes with NC. Satisfaction comes later, amongst the heartache.

That was all unfamiliar territory for me too. Being strong & understanding who's important. Tripping & digging.

Sometimes we forget. Ourselves.

Let him send all the letters he wants. A weird & twisted attempt. Desperate. Ewww,, My ex did the same in other ways.
If I were you you, I would rip them up at my mailbox, then chuck 'em in the garbage. Without even looking.

Your are going to go though some stages, all normal. Sucks, but enlightening. Ups & downs.

All I know is that fun & happiness is better than feeling bad,

Striving to repeat the fun. Understanding what feels good & what doesn't.

Dee75 · Dec 13, 2011, 01:19 AM

Been feeling much better. Last week I met up with a couple of friends and had dinner with them which was nice and refreshing. I thought I had heard the last of him and was feeling very relieved and as though I had turned a corner but then yesterday, I got a message to my work email, telling me he is ill. Of course I didn't respond. I have managed to direct anything that comes from his email address to the junk but I can see it still there when I log in as marked 'unread'. I know it would probably be better not to open them but I feel as though I need to know how he is thinking and be one step ahead in case he starts getting nasty and making threats. Anyway, I bounced it back to him with a 'failure to deliver notice'. He isn't the brightest person I have met so hopefully he will think the mailbox is closed and give up!

I also keep wondering how his mind must work; it's been 6 weeks since I told him a wanted to end the relationship and he is still attempting to contact me and win me round, telling lies and trying to manipulate me into calling him. If someone had told me it was over and then totally ignored me, I certainly wouldn't bother keep trying. I think I need to get busier and stop playing at attempting to analyse his behaviour !

talaniman · Dec 13, 2011, 06:33 AM

You are correct Dee, more you, less him. Doesn't take a lot as you see to stir up old feelings.

Have fun, you deserve it.

vanheart · Dec 13, 2011, 04:08 PM

Good for you Dee, Im proud of you.

Keep up the good work.

Its OK to feel lonely, but always know that you are never alone.

Have more good times with your friends. Repeat happy times.
Don't repeat unhappy ones.

Dee75 · Dec 30, 2011, 01:11 PM

I managed to get through Christmas and I'm looking forward to the New Year. I haven't contacted him; its been 8 weeks since the break up. I still get letters through the post that are all about him, he is full of self-pity, he says he is on anti-depressants and can't cope with life. How long does it take for someone to pull themselves together, accept what has happened and try to move on? I am hoping that he will stop trying to win me over now that Christmas is over so that I move on 100% instead of seeing letters dropping on the doorstep.

vanheart · Dec 30, 2011, 01:32 PM

Keep up the good work.

Try ripping the letters up. Don't even open them. They will stop.

amicon · Dec 30, 2011, 01:41 PM

His life is h I s life; don't even open his letters; bin without reading.

Don't feed in to his energy; I g n o r e!

Dee75 · Jan 19, 2012, 12:53 AM

Big sigh... the letters are still dropping on my doorstep. A friend of mine saw him with another woman just after New Year so I don't understand why he is continuing to write to me. I have been throwing them into a box on top of my wardrobe without reading them. I decidede to keep them in case things got worse and he started coming by the house or stalking me and I needed proof to go to the police.

I opened the latest one yesterday (18th Jan, almost 11 weeks after break up) because I thought it might be telling me he has moved on but no, it was the opposite. It basically said that HE has decided to carry on trying because he loves me that much and is not going to give up. Still ignore? He is like a headache that will not go away no matter how many pills you take.

talaniman · Jan 19, 2012, 05:23 AM

Tell him again to leave you alone, or you will get the cops involved. Don't waffle, or negotiate, and don't meet him in person. Letter or email, get to the point, short and swe>LEAVE ME ALONE<et!!

Be willing to back up your words. If you are scared of him, let your friends know his attention is unwanted.

Dee75 · Jan 19, 2012, 09:38 AM

Ok, here goes. Just hoping he doesn't see this as something it isn't (his long awaited reply).
I just put a note in an envelope addressed to him 'I thought I had made it clear that the relationship was over but you are continuing to attempt contact which is unwanted and constitutes harassment. Please leave me alone. It is over'

amicon · Jan 19, 2012, 09:50 AM

Now that you've made it very clear that any attempt at contact is totally unwanted,be prepared to take legal steps to get him out of your life.

It seems to me you have a stalker.

See your solicitor and get legal advice.

Take care.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 19, 2012, 09:57 AM

Do not open another letter from him, you don't care if he moves on, he can be sitting alone drunk 10 years from now, who cares. You worry about YOU>

Just throw the letters away or if they are mailed put them back into the post refused.

geminichick · Jan 19, 2012, 05:16 PM

Dee;

He is stalking you! Period! YOu need to go to the police immediately. I have been in this situation and it is emotionally draining and very scary. Why does he still write you? The women's resource centre counsellor explained to me that he wanted to know what I was doing if I moved on with my life and intimidation. You need to have an order against him so he cannot write, call, or come near you. The police can put you in touch with a women's resource centre and VWA (victims witness assistance). Should you terll him to leave you alone? Absolutely Not!! That is what he wants is for you to talk to him and keep those lines of communication open. Negative or not. Men who are abusive and controlling have mental health issues that are not being treated. Whether ASPD, NPD, BPD. But, don`t make his problems yours. Take your power back. Don`t do what I did. Lock yourself in your house. These men want total control. They don`t know what love is. I`m concerned for the girlfriend he has now. He will eventually do the same to her.

Please call or go to the police station. They will be able to help you and protect you from him. They did me and it`s been a little over a year later.

Please take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you Dee. Be safe!