[amberlou]

I know 9 out of 10 of you will think this is just a naggy girlfriend post but I'm worried about my boyfriend.
He started his second year of his apprenticeship a few months ago and has to be up very early for it. Since a then and possibly for a little while before he hasn't been the same.
He used to be very affectionate and caring. Since then he doesn't seem care. He's been really awkward with me and I'm struggling he tells me he loves me one minute and then that he doesn't care the next but then his actions read that he does care just minutes later again. I've tried to talk to him but he shuns all serious conversation.
I should be clearer that he still treats me the same way 90% of the time and our sex life is just following the normal pace that it does, he's just not outwardly affectionate, no 'I love yous' no calls to see how my day was. Our other activities are the same too, I still maintain my dancing etc and he has rugby then we swim together etc. He also still seems to be his old self when he's drunk so I think he's holding back but can't figure out why.
I should note that it's not just me that he's like this with, he doesn't seem to give a damn about his parents and him and his mom seem to be more catty with each other than they were before. He talks down about his brother who has found himself a girlfriend and is in the first throws of love, but he talks about it as if it's a dirty, disgusting thing that his brother is involved in. He says he wants to move out but can't afford it and almost every little thing in the house seems to annoy him.
He has a good deal of debt too but doesn't seem to care about that, at least not enough to ever make a payment on his overdraft and has recently taken out a loan as well. He seems to show some care for money but only for acquiring it, not actually being responsible with it.
The only thing he seems to really care for beyond a shadow of a doubt is his job. I know he worked hard to get it, but it seems to have changed him and I'm struggling not to resent it.
I know that somewhere my boyfriend is still in there but I can't figure out why he's trying to suppress himself.

[Jake2008]

What you are seeing, is maybe how is is now, and that the new changes in his life, are showing you more of who he is.

By that I mean, maybe he doesn't handle stress very well, maybe you never realized that he was a poor communicator, perhaps he inappropriately takes anger out on others where it doesn't belong. Maybe you are seeing how he generally deals with life when life gets tough. And debt, and the daunting task of working through his apprenticeship.

That is why relationships take time. It is how people build a foundation, over a period, to really see if compatibility, communication, and honesty is not replaced by, incompatibility, no communication, and dishonesty. You learn about values, maturity, working anything and everything out. But, if what before existed was good enough up until now, what he has become, is simply not working.

It doesn't mean he is a bad person. He is just a person you have learned to see more of in a deeper way. How many women marry men, only to find out later that they have a different life you never knew about (alcoholism, gambling, other women, porn, etc.). When more is known about a person, it is that person you are dealing with, not the person you thought he was.

Minor changes such as going through depression over the loss of a loved one, or struggling to find work after losing a job, or coping with any other of life's fastballs, doesn't change the essence of the relationship itself. It is the person himself/herself who chooses how to manager their own life, within respectful boundaries of a solid relationship with another.

Some people just become different people. They make choices not to talk, choices how to behave, choices in what to do or not do, which is fine if they are single. But, when another person deserves consideration and they are not an important enough, or equal enough partner to share problems with, then your needs are not being met.

Try to see a bigger picture here instead. Think about how your life is with this man, and if changes are possible. If talking doesn't help, or work, more decisions will have to be made.

[talaniman]

The stresses of a new job, or debts can change anyone. You have to be able to talk to make the right adjustments to those changes, as he must make his own adjustments.

Just a secret for you to keep in mind, Life is about learning, growing, and making good choices for yourself, and communicating honestly with your partner as you learn about each other and yourselves.

The honeymoon is over, and the work has begun, so pay attention, and recognize the adjustments to be made as you both grow. You don't like the way he has changed, talk and work together, or grow apart.

[amberlou]

Thanks for the suggestions so far guys, you all talk about the honeymoon period I feel that maybe I should be clear that it is well and truly over and we've actually been together for 4 years now so it's not really a young relationship. But thanks for the advice.

[talaniman]

Don't read his lack of action or talking with not caring. Read it as helpless to do anything about it. There in lies the need to communicate, and work together, to fill in the blanks for each other for the long haul.

That could take years to get each other, but you have a life time, right?

[DaniCalifornia]

"That could take years to get each other, but you have a life time, right?"

Perfectly phrased.

[amberlou]

My boyfriend broke up with me last night, the night before our 4 year anniversary (thankyou very much idiot). He told me the usual, I don't love you anymore, I don't care for us and also the usual promise that it's different this time and this is for good.
When I say the usual, he's done this 3 times before and it's always ended with us back together. With never more than 10 days in between.
I'm finding it really hard to believe what he's saying because he's set this precedent of doing this then realising the grass is greener so to speak.
In the same breath as telling me he doesn't love me he'll tell me that he'll most probably regret what he's doing and that if it doesn't work out he'll just try to get me back. I'm fed up of being hurt like this. The last time he did it was about a year in 2 weeks and as a result I'm terrified of this time of year.
Help? Clear this up? Anything at all that anyone at all could offer?

[ironhide262]

Yes, this time don't take him back! EVER!

You are the one doing this to yourself... you do have a choice! Either stay miserable or move on and look forward to someone who will treat you better!