[Gengar]

Hello, I'm 21 and my girlfriend is 18. We've been together for 2 years now and are planning to live together. I'm her first boyfriend, but I've had a few girlfriends before. Nothing really serious, and I was never in love as much as with my girlfriend now.

When we were together in the beginning, I talked about my previous girlfriends to be open about it.
But recently she's feeling terrible when she thinks about the fact that I had girls before her. She thinks I compared her to old girlfriends in the beginning because I was open about it. If she thinks about the fact I made love to other girls she doesn't want to do it with me for a week. She doesn't want to spend the holidays together because I spend one NYE with a old girlfriend of mine 5 years ago. She doesn't want to go to music festivals because I went to 3 party's with old GFs 5 years ago. She thinks it won't be as much fun.

How do I let her know she's my special girl, I tried everything but she feels great if she's with me but when she doesn't see me for a day she feels bad about my past... How would we get over this?
I don't want to lose her, I want her to be happy with me.

[mmresd]

You don't tell her, you show her, make her go with you and make her have the time of her life, and you have the time of your life as well. This is internally in her mind, she will learn to control this soon enough!

[Cat1864]

Without knowing how you brought up your ex-girlfriends, I won't comment on why she might feel like you were comparing relationships or people. I will say that there is fine line between being open and making unconscious comparisons especially to someone who doesn't have any experience to help her/him put the comments/stories into perspective.

You might try this approach: My husband was a lot more experienced in many ways than I was when we met. It didn't bother me because no matter how many times he had done things or been places each time we did them together was a first time for both of us as a couple. Who you are with changes the experience and makes it new.

If she can't let go of your past, then you both might have to let go and move forward on your own. Either you are working together to build a foundation for a relationship or you need to admit that you are only hurting each other and let go before any more damage is done.

[talaniman]

I too am curious how she knows about all your adventures, and what's all this openness you display about?

If she is to scared to explore, and her fears and insecurities overwhelm her excitement, maybe she isn't ready for a relationship yet, or you do not reassure her enough. I don't know but go slow and show some patience. Maybe you are scaring her. Or moving to fast. Hard to tell.

[Gengar]

Thank you for helping me so far
She knows about it because she wanted to know how we broke up I told her the situations (I only had 3 girls)
She knows one was a one night stand (with what used to be a friend of mine)
And a year ago I suggested something in bed when she asked me how I knew that I told her I tried it with another girl (big mistake I know) she wasn't very mad in the moment but is very upsed about it the last months. I'm so sorry about that I didn't know what came over me.

We live together in school vacation's and weekends that time is perfect but I don't see her 5 days in the week those days she has issues with my past no matter how good we had it last time

[talaniman]

Two years is a long time to harbor those kinds of resentments, fears, and insecurities, and we would certainly have to talk about a better game plan in my book. A couple of slips of the tongue isn't cause for all this confusing drama, so talk honestly, and resolve it before you get to moving in together.

[vanheart]

The past is the past.

I respect understand your honesty, but don't play into her insecurities by reliving your other relationships w/her.

It bothers her. Make her feel insecure.

I would hold off on any serious plans to move in.
I the meantime, show her that she is #1 in your book.

And vis-versa.

Take it from there.

No reason to rush. Just enjoy each other. There's plenty of time.
See her more, spend more time together.

[Gengar]

Thanks I hope it will help
But she wants to know everything about old girlfriends now because if I don't tell her she thinks I'm hiding stuff, I want to make her feel secure
But if she thinks about me and a other girl she freaks out and says things about leaving me but she says she can't live without me

[talaniman]

Then you have to confront her on the unfairness of her treatment of you, express your feelings, and work together to resolve your issues. You can't just roll along out of fear of losing her, now can you?

[Cat1864]

I am going to be blunt and it will probably seem harsh.

You got involved with a child (emotionally and relationship-wise) two years ago. She was about 16 and had no (or extremely little) experience in handling the ups and downs of a relationship. Unfortunately, she hasn't really gained the tools for knowing how to work with you to build a relationship.

You need to sit down together and talk. Be honest that you both have made mistakes and you need to work through them together or let each other go and work on fixing your individual problems by yourselves. The current state of your relationship is damaging both of you and is not getting better.

The past is the past and no one needs to know everything about their partner's exes and past relationships. It does not mean you are keeping secrets. It means you are moving forward instead of living in the past. Her mistake is that she encouraged you to talk about the past. She needs to realize that she is the one keeping the exes involved in your life. Not you.

If she can't learn to be secure in the relationship when you are not in the same place, then this relationship is doomed. Do not move in together until things improve. Moving in together would be encouraging her to be even needier and clingier. It would only make the issues worse as she begins to get insecure about you not coming home on time, a strange number on your phone, sex slowing down, etc.

If she doesn't feel special by now, then it is her issues keeping her from accepting the feeling. You cannot overcome her problems for her. She has to do that herself. It is a part of becoming an emotionally secure adult. Stop treating her like a child who is afraid of the dark and treat her like an adult who knows how to turn the light on.

[goldagarda]

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 25. I was in your girlfriend's shoes, though to a much lesser extent. My boyfriend has had a 3 and a half year relationship and a 2 year relationship before me. While I am older than your girlfriend, I can relate to how she feels as at the beginning of our relationship, my BF was very open about it, a little too open too early on.

The issue is her own insecurities. It can take a while to get used to the idea of someone being with someone else before you. I am concerned though that this hasn't filtered out after 2 years - it's a very long time for an issue to bother someone.

Cat1864 actually gives very good advice. Talk to her about how this is affecting you, and make sure you listen to her in return.

Also, do you confide in her about things, besides this, that bothers you? (eg. Problems at work, home, with friends... ) Its really important for BOTH people in a relationship to feel they can be open and honest with each other, as well as to feel they can be there for, and are needed by the other. Plus, its important in making a relationship more equal. With her being younger, it is easy to become very protective, but encouraging her to do things she's interested in by herself, or with friends can help, as can getting to know her friends better, if you don't know them already. It is the best way to show you take an interest in HER.

As Cat said, if she can't get past this, it is down to you both being at different stages in your life. And I agree that moving in together is actually likely to make things worse if this isn't resolved. She will become paranoid and suspicious if you go out with your friends and the situation will worsen if she's sat at home while you're not there.

[anewday]

Whatever you do, don't sweep it under the carpet, avoid the issue, or make out that the things you did with your ex's was lesser than they were.
I was in the same situation as you a few years ago (in fact - the same ages & possibly same experiences). At first everything was great, but then after about 1 1/2 years, she began to question my past and became immensely insecure about it. I thought that moving in with her "she feels great if she's with me but when she doesn't see me for a day she feels bad about my past" sounds like an exact quote I would've said from those years ago!) would show her my absolute commitment to her; that she was my #1. It just made things worse, unfortunately. Although she had less time to stew things through by herself, she had more more time to physically confront me over her insecurities. I began to lie about the extent of my past relationships & experiences in order to make it easier on myself, and "better" for her.
She wasn't stupid; she picked up on the changes in explanations and made me throw out everything that I had before I had met her. I wasn't "allowed" to do anything that I "may" have done with any of "them". It just grew more and more cancerous until it exploded into suicide attempts from her, and physical violence towards me. Worst. Relationship. Ever.

Obviously no two relationships are the same, but one can always draw parallels.
Nothing I did was enough to sate her insecurities: spending all my time with her, throwing away all those things, saying everything under the sun to placate her, doing everything that *she* wanted.
Looking back on it now, once it had reached that tipping point, then there was pretty much nothing I could have done to save it.

It depends how deep you are into her, but you probably will want to throw everything but the kitchen sink in to save the relationship. Unfortunately, my ex leached everything out of me in my attempt to do just that; don't let yours do the same to you. Stand up for yourself, even if just a bit at first.