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    panda2913's Avatar
    panda2913 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 3, 2011, 03:58 PM
    Is this a good story?
    I am going to enter this in a competition, and I want FULL HONESTY! Thank you!


    Remi Klein
    September 20, 2011
    Fifth Period

    The doorknob felt like a freezing cold snowman. Out, The officer instructed. The
    Cold snow blasted in my face as I took my first steps. My first step outside in 18 years, a historic event, is what I am describing right now, and what you are now reading. While adjusting to the sun, I tried to look for my brother?s pearly-white Lexus. Only as I became more aware of my surroundings, I realized that there weren?t any cars. Only hovercrafts.
    I turned, hoping that the officer could explain. But only the whirling blizzard was there. Nobody could imagine the loneliness I felt right then. As I took a closer look at the hovercrafts, I found my 3 year old brother pulling up right beside me (in a hovercraft, of course) to pick me up.
    Wait a second. That didn't?t sound right. I took a closer look at my brother, only he wasn?t my brother. The man had the same carrot-colored hair as my brother, but he had none of the same facial features. But as the hovercraft started to park right beside me, I began to have second thoughts.
    The driver?s door lifted as the face was revealed. The outcome was terrifying but at same time, I felt a wave of excitement rush over my tattered body. Now, I?m going to paint you a mental picture: You?ve just gotten out of a hospital. It is -23 degrees outside, and you?re wearing nothing but jeans, a t-shirt, and the hospital gown you forgot to take off before leaving. Then you notice that instead of cars, there are hovercrafts. Now lets go back to the situation.
    The face looked quite childish. The man was maybe in his mid-twenties. He said hello to me. I was astonished. I didn't?t know he knew me. But my face told him everything. It?s okay, Rebecca, He said. I?m your brother. I stared at him as if he was speaking a foreign language. After a very awkward five minutes, he tried to explain again. Rebecca, you?ve been in a coma for eighteen years, He said.
    Being that it was October, I was starting to think of what I wanted to be for Halloween. But then, I remembered that I was twenty- nine. I would?ve had counseling about all of this change this past Friday, but since I behaved so badly, the hospital didn't?t want to pay for all of the services. Nice sympathy, hospital, I thought to myself as I began pondering about what to do.
    That Halloween night, I decided to get some fresh air. I looked at all of the happy kids wearing happy smiles and wondered how the time flied by so quickly. Bt then I remembered that it literally did, and that I was in a coma for so long. I hated being an adult-there were so many responsibilities. But just then, my two old best friends came up to me. One had three children, the other one. They both looked so happy that it made me change my mind about being an adult- it could be very fun too. For example, you have a lot of freedom. I looked at all of the adults. They seemed so happy, that it made me happy.
    The next day, I took a walk. The freshly fallen leaves crumbled under my boots as I watched the dogs in the dog park. It finally hit me that I had been gone for eighteen years. I had missed so many things, from the spectacular invention of the hovercraft, to my graduation, to college. But then I reminded myself of all of the good things that I missed-World War 3, the world depression, and so much more. In a way, that balanced out everything. Still, nothing would ever be the same.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #2

    Oct 3, 2011, 04:55 PM
    It needs some serious editing before entering it into a competition. I suggest you read it slowly and carefully out loud to a friend or your mom. That will help you find some of the mistakes.

    Let me know what you find that's wrong.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #3

    Oct 3, 2011, 04:56 PM
    OK:
    You notice hovercrafts instead of cars in the first paragraph, but then repeat it when you are painting a mental picture. Add something new, something else. And why is it so cold out in October? Is that F or C? Is it that cold the next day when freshly fallen leaves are under your feet? And why are you wearing clothes AND a hospital gown? I can't visualize how you get dressed over or under a gown without a lot of effort.
    I would avoid talking AT the reader with the painting picture part. Stay in one voice throughout.
    Also be careful about the lack of medical research on comas. People don't get up and walk after an 18 year coma. If you spent months learning how to walk and talk again, they would have encouraged walking outside too. So you have some tweaking to do there.
    You need more reason for this short story. Short stories are much harder to write than novels. And this is shorter than short. Sure, you missed 18 years of world disasters. But can you counter that with something? Poignant, tragic, comic, mysterious, loving? Your 3 year old brother doesn't know he was the one responsible for your accident? Something to make it different, a prose poem.

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