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    hklogue's Avatar
    hklogue Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #1

    Oct 3, 2011, 12:35 PM
    Girlfriend, Cancer, College, Long-distance relationship, Advice?
    My girlfriend of 5 months now has been having a hard time dealing with her mother being diagnosed with a brain tumor, which was very cancerous. And I have left for college. We love each other and we both want this relationship to work. I talk to her 24/7 since I left. She has become very frustrated because she says she can never talk to me. Is it because I always ask questions, ask how she's doing or how her mom is? What should I do to be the one she can depend on? I really want to help her through this hard time. I need advice. Please, anything
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
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    #2

    Oct 3, 2011, 01:21 PM
    There are no words that you can say that make her depend on you
    Your actions will do this

    Just be supportive and listen to her
    Also try and change the topic a bit she lives with the thought of her moms cancer all day
    Maybe when she rings you up she can put it behind her for a bit.
    Talk to her about something funny that you saw or plan about the next time you want to see

    This is not going to be an easy road but if you work together
    You will work pass this

    All the best
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Oct 3, 2011, 03:55 PM
    Don't let her frustrations become yours, as she is merely telling you the distance is hard right now.

    I think you do more listening than talking because 5 months wasn't enough time to prepare for the distance, AND deal with a very sick mom.

    Stay cool, and be understanding when she is at her wits end. Let her vent, when she needs to. You are still learning each other, so pay attention.
    DaniCalifornia's Avatar
    DaniCalifornia Posts: 655, Reputation: 152
    Senior Member
     
    #4

    Oct 3, 2011, 03:58 PM
    Oh sweetheart.

    I can relate to the poor woman. When I was in college, my dad had a cancerous brain tumor that kept coming back. I was the only one there for him, and it was difficult to deal with as he's the most important person in the world to me, and I had nobody else myself.

    So I can only give you advice based on how I felt in my situation. Let her know you're there for her. Make sure that when you are together, you're not doing anything depressing. Take her out on a romantic night out so she gets a healthy balance of caring for her mother, and having fun too. Above all, make sure she feels she can depend on you. She may need to, and it's these struggles that strengthen peoples relationships.

    And buy her mother a nice bunch of flowers.

    X Dani
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #5

    Oct 3, 2011, 04:18 PM
    You are right Dani, a gesture of caring and support out of the blue would be a nice touch.
    hklogue's Avatar
    hklogue Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Oct 3, 2011, 04:33 PM
    Thank you everyone so much! And yes about a week ago I sent her 100 flowers. This advice is really helping. And when I'm with her I always try to make her smile and I'm usually successful. But every now and then she just hugs me and I know I need to be quiet and comfort her. Again, thank you everyone so much!
    DaniCalifornia's Avatar
    DaniCalifornia Posts: 655, Reputation: 152
    Senior Member
     
    #7

    Oct 3, 2011, 04:43 PM
    Well it sounds like you're doing a good job. You're welcome!

    X Dani
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #8

    Oct 3, 2011, 05:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by hklogue View Post
    My girlfriend of 5 months now has been having a hard time dealing with her mother being diagnosed with a brain tumor, which was very cancerous. And I have left for college. We love each other and we both want this relationship to work. I talk to her 24/7 since I left. She has become very frustrated because she says she can never talk to me. Is it because I always ask questions, ask how she's doing or how her mom is? What should I do to be the one she can depend on? I really want to help her through this hard time. I need advice. Please, anything
    The problem is you said you talk to her 24/7. So that sounds to me you never give her any space at all. Which is not a good thing in a relationship. Everybody needs their own personal space. Instead of doing all the talking, maybe you should stop talking. Maybe you should let her do the talking. Maybe you should be quiet and let her be the one to engage in conversation if she wants. You know what. Long distance is difficult. Also you need to understand that She will have a lot to deal with her mother having cancer. There is a lot to work through. 5 months is not really a long relationship. It might be hard to sustain. The harder you try, the more you hold on tight. The more you push her away.

    Makes sense?
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,001, Reputation: 553
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    #9

    Oct 3, 2011, 05:08 PM
    No one should depend on anyone at all! Dependency is not something good, it is something that creates a very nasty habit. Let her deal with her own things on her own, and you deal with the things you need to deal with on your own. Things will be easier without anyone being anyone's emotional crutch, you will only hurt the relationship that way. The best help you can be is the one SHE asks for, not the one you THINK she needs and wants.
    hklogue's Avatar
    hklogue Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #10

    Oct 3, 2011, 05:14 PM
    The problem is if I stop talking to her she thinks I don't care about her when I really do. Im going to try it again but I doubt that's what she wants. But I don't know, maybe it will work. Doubt it though
    DaniCalifornia's Avatar
    DaniCalifornia Posts: 655, Reputation: 152
    Senior Member
     
    #11

    Oct 4, 2011, 04:04 AM
    Hey again!

    What the experts are saying is to make sure you don't constantly pester her, making it obvious you don't know what to do to show you're there for her, as it can suffocate her as she's already feeling stressed.

    But certainly don't stop talking to her at all! I would have hated the feeling that my partner didn't understand what I was going through and that I needed him there.

    X Dani

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