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    Calmbutconfused's Avatar
    Calmbutconfused Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Sep 29, 2011, 03:40 AM
    My Girlfriend broke up with me because she couldn't see us getting married...
    This is going to be long so I'll get right into it. Hopefully someone will be able to shed some light on my situation as I can't sleep or eat well at all and it's really affecting my life in general.

    I've been going out with a girl for almost 10 months and she broke up with me a week ago citing that she couldn't see us getting married and that she didn't see the point in continuing a relationship with me on that basis. She's 20 years old and I'm 26. We met at university and though we were very different (both in terms of maturity and also personality). We had a lot of fun together and though near the end, it began to feel as though we were settling into normalcy, we would both make sure to make time for each other. She's graduating at the end of this year while I'll still have a year and a half to go (I worked and travelled for 5 years and came back to do a university degree hence the age gap).

    Then last week she brought up that she wanted to have a talk about us. This was her first time ever bringing up this topic so I was quite happy about it. Previously I had to bring up the relationship talks in regards to her lack of appreciation of things I did for her and her commitment to the relationship, but she slowly came around and I dropped my expectations and we reached a happy compromise. I always asked her to be open with me about any and everything but she struggles to say how she truly feels emotionally. For several months we had not needed to talk about any issues at all which is why I was absolutely dumbfounded when she dropped the bomb on me that she wanted to break up. We regularly go to parties and events together and always have a blast (like a university ball at the start of this month). She was even holding and cuddling my arm 5 minutes before she said she wanted to break up!

    As far as I was concerned, I found her reasoning very childish (she was quoting that since I was 26 and she didn't see us getting married, she didn't want to hold me back from finding the "one"), though I didn't say this to her at the time. She also said that I kept bringing up issues from my past relationship of 5 years that I had with another woman and that I may have unknowingly been expecting too much of her. When I asked her why she didn't discuss any of this with me before the break up point. She simply apologised and said she didn't know how to express her emotions well (though I would've expected logic to dictate that if you're going to break up with your partner, you should speak with them first... ).

    Regardless, I told her I didn't want it to end like this and that come what may (she had plans to travel in about two years time) I at least wanted to try and see where things would go for both of us. Obviously, she refused, hence why I'm here. I told her that I couldn't see us being friends and that she would likely never see me again (though that was probably raw emotions coming through).

    In the lead up to this point, we met in the park for lunch (which was a lot of fun), went to the movies together with a bunch of friends, and went to a friends graduation together. Totally normal things we generally do and definitely nothing indicative of a potential break up (she admitted to this and constantly apologised for it). She had recently gotten a job whilst still studying and was finding it difficult to cope with the lack of sleep and stress. I always encouraged her and had planned a trip out of town with her after both our exams were complete (about a month from now).

    The break up happened last Friday and over the weekend both her and I were very upset over everything (she admitted that she just lay in bed the entire weekend watching sitcoms to try and pass the time). On Monday she sent me an email apologising for the way she broke up with me and that she was stressed and exhausted at the time. But she stood by her decision and had no intention of marrying me still and did not want to hold me back as I was so much older than her (I never saw 6 years difference as that big a deal but I guess maybe she did?).

    I didn't respond till the next day so I had time to consider everything and then called her to acknowledge that I had read it. We touched on a few of the topics she mentioned but not in great depth as I didn't want to sound desperate (I know that would just belittle me). In the end however, we arranged to meet up this weekend on Saturday night.

    It should be said that I do wish we could still be together, but I have dated enough to know that trying to pull someone back who doesn't want to be with you is pointless and potentially damaging to me. But my plan this weekend is to have a good time with her and just let her know I've appreciated our time together and though I don't agree with how she has gone about our breakup, I respect her decision and will leave her to it. I want her to remember the good times we had as opposed to the nasty way we ended after our break up talk. I fully intend to do NC after this meet up except for those situations where we bump into each other in unavoidable situations.

    The questions I have are as follows: should I be leaving this where it is and just forget about her? I will undoubtedly bump into her (at university and mutual friends events) so I can't necessarily forget her completely. Is meeting up with her and trying to leave things on a good note a good idea? I mean we can't predict the future and I really do love her and there's a part of me that hopes that further down the line she may come to realise this (I know this may be false hope but I can't help it!). She says I mean so much to her and she also said I was the first person whom she said she loved and actually meant what she said.

    I'm sorry for making this so long and thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. I'm just so confused and though my head is telling me one thing, my heart refuses to let me move on and I'm slowly driving myself crazy!
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #2

    Sep 29, 2011, 11:02 AM
    should I be leaving this where it is and just forget about her?
    - Yes, no reason she gives will be good enough for you... her loss... look forward to the next one!

    Is meeting up with her and trying to leave things on a good note a good idea?
    What's the point of meeting up just to rehash everything you guys have already talked about? All you're going to get is more silly excuses-she sure as heck isn't going to blame herself for the way things turned out. Just how much of a good note do you want to leave on?- she dumped your ***! No reason why you can't be friends sometime in the future but, for now, give her what she wants!

    She says I mean so much to her and she also said I was the first person whom she said she loved and actually meant what she said.
    People say a lot of things during breakups... mostly just to soften the blow. If the above statement were true , would you be in this situation right now?

    You are fresh out of a breakup and have a long way to go. Letting go of false hope and accepting the breakup is the trick to moving on.. . something that just takes time. Lots of great information at the top of the Relationship page that may give you some perspective. Hang in there !




    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
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    #3

    Sep 29, 2011, 12:09 PM
    Ironhide really hit the nail on the head there people say so much S¥¥t during a break up just to soften the blow and elevate there own gilt

    You wouldn't be here if all that was true

    So true

    You sound to mature for her
    Go no contact and heal
    Then find someone who is deserving of your love and not someone you have to teach how to love.
    Calmbutconfused's Avatar
    Calmbutconfused Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Sep 29, 2011, 12:13 PM
    Thanks for your response ironhide. I guess the main point for me and this meetup is to leave on a moral high ground. Granted this should have been done at the break up stage but I was so shocked by it all that I didn't really get a chance to say what I wanted to say. I have accepted that we have broken up and that its time to move on, but I guess I just want to take this final chance to get some closure that will help me recover from this faster...
    In a way I want to instill that sense of loss into her after realising what she's just done. Is that wrong?

    Thanks again for your response. More would be greatly appreciated!
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #5

    Sep 29, 2011, 01:53 PM
    In a way I want to instill that sense of loss into her after realising what she's just done. Is that wrong?
    Sorry guy but she took your love and now she's giving it back, willfully... she just will not have the sense of loss that you will. Something she has probably been thinking about for a while.

    The closure you seek will not come from her. It will all come from YOU once all the shock and emotions wear off and you realize that you deserve better.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Sep 29, 2011, 02:12 PM
    QUOTE by Calmbutconfused;
    Thanks for your response ironhide. I guess the main point for me and this meet up is to leave on a moral high ground.
    Sorry guy, there is no moral high ground in a break up, just the honest gesture of bowing out gracefully, quickly, without drama. That's what I think any way, as a nice clean amicable break leaves you both with a bit of wonder, sadness, and regret. No bad feelings, or harsh words.

    Granted this should have been done at the break up stage but I was so shocked by it all that I didn't really get a chance to say what I wanted to say.
    LOL, I think we all feel like we have left so much unsaid, and so much undone, and that if we do it now, after we have thought about it we can fix things, or try to change what has happened. That's desperate false hope based on shocked, hurt feelings of sudden disappointment.

    I have accepted that we have broken up and that its time to move on, but I guess I just want to take this final chance to get some closure that will help me recover from this faster...
    ACCEPTANCE is closure, the sooner you accept what has happened, healing can begin. Leaving her alone without drama, is the fastest way to move on, not dragging things out with trying to understand the WHY things happen. Its not closure you are looking for, its UNDERSTANDING, and that won't come until the emotional dust has settled, and you stop trying to read the mind, and heart of another, that has just ripped your heart out.

    In a way I want to instill that sense of loss into her after realizing what she's just done. Is that wrong?
    Yes its wrong, very wrong indeed, and that's the hurt talking, and anger, at finding out she no longer wants to continue the relationship. Normal feelings considering, but not ones you act on.

    You had fun for 10 months, and now that fun with her has come to an end. The thing to do is make the break clean, and gracious, and keep the good memories while you both heal, and get on with your lives. You don't get revenge, you don't make this a B romance novel, you don't drag it out. You say thanks for the good times and disappear forever. NO MORE CONTACT! You are polite, civil, and happy when you bump into her, but brief and unavailable for small talk and relationship past crap. Hi, how you been, bye glad to see you!!

    You heal, as you rebuild a happy life for yourself, as you cope/deal with your own feelings of loss. Like you did before remember?

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-470010.html

    Break ups happen, and are never fun. Its sucks, we heal, and move on.
    Calmbutconfused's Avatar
    Calmbutconfused Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Oct 11, 2011, 01:10 AM
    Hey again everyone. Things are better in terms of moving on. However, I'm not stuck in a situation where we are both continuously invited to the same events due to mutual friends and we both end up attending and though we are both courteous to each other, I can tell that we're both finding it hard adjusting to everything.

    I guess it just feels as though we haven't had the closure we needed to really close everything off and I'm not sure whether she's having trouble letting go of her guilt (she'll occasionally comment on my Facebook posts for example). I don't go out of my way to contact her or anything, but it just feels strange whenever she does.

    We were at the same event on the weekend for example and it looks like we have another event next week as well. I'm one of seven university club executives and have to attend regular events that we create each week. I can't exactly ban her from going to these events either...

    Anyone have any suggestions or tips on how I should act in this kind of complicated situation? She's also asked to meet up occasionally, but stops short of setting an actual date. So frustrating though I guess that's what NC was supposed to be for...
    pandead's Avatar
    pandead Posts: 280, Reputation: 228
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    #8

    Oct 11, 2011, 04:51 AM
    NC is supposed to tell you... WTH are you doing? :)
    On your Facebook posts?? What is SHE doing in your Facebook? I understand being polite is what you both are trying to do but seriously, what do you want, to remind yourself of her existence every minute??

    NC is "NO contact", which is, when you have to make an exception (like when you have joint custody, or when you work together) to treat them like you treat your old aunt - say hello when you have to. As long as you keep her in your life, she will be there. Don't keep hurting yourself.

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