[spankie73]

Every time his dad calls, he gets all upset and refuses to even say hi to his dad. I have had to bribe him or tell him I will take toys away if he does not talk to his dad. It is worse every time he comes home from his dad's, yet he is happy to see him when he comes to pick him up.

[tickle]

Probaby because he loves his dad but at 3 can't fathom why he can only hear his voice, but can't see him. So why do you chastise him, threaten him, that will get you no where because he cannot understand the phone yet. Give him time so he can completely verbalize his feelings for this new medium. A three year olds love is based on what he can see and touch; he can't see and touch voices.

Tick

[Cat1864]

Many three year olds don't like talking on the phone. They don't really understand they are talking to a real person.

Will he listen if his father talks? He might interact more if his father reads him a story or sings songs with him.

I don't think threatening him is a good idea and it may make matters worse.

You might try using a speaker phone. It may seem less scary to him and more natural.

[Wondergirl]

Perhaps try something like Skype, where the child can see Daddy as well as hear him and talk to him?

[spankie73]

I use the speaker phone every time his dad calls. It does not matter. I do not have a web cam, nor can I afford one and his dad refuses to buy one. My son claims he is mad at his dad, but does not know why. He cried when his dad called last night and ran away from the phone. I no longer use threats or bribes as it is useless and not right. I just sit there in silence as I have been informed I am not allowed to speak because I interrupt the conversation. My interruptions were to try to get Zach to answer his dad in the past, so now it's all on his dad and he does not even try.

My ex refuses to communicate with me or help this situation. Told me our son is with me so it is my problem to handle. His dad has stated on many occasions that he hates me... must be why he assulted me two weeks ago right in front of our son when he brought our son back to me after his summer vacation. He only sees our son one night a month... his choice... as he moved four and a half hours away to be with the woman he left us for. He refuses to speak to me or send emails. He is barred from texting me as I had to call the cops on him for threatening texts also.

I wonder if taking my son to a counselor would help to see if he would talk to a stranger? Maybe he is afraid to tell me something as he thinks he might get his dad in trouble? I am losing sleep and even more weight over this issue and it has to stop. I could really care less if his dad ever called or came by, but I know my son needs to have a relationship with his dad.

Any other ideas?? Thank you to those who replied.

[tickle]

Boy, spankie, a real catch22 situation; but a three year old is just on the threshold of understand a little more of adult situations. If he was there when your ex assaulted you, then that would have made an impact on the little one for sure.

I would suggest no more telephone conversations if it is going to be traumatic for your son, why bother, you will be going around in circles with this and causing more drama for yourself as well.

I don't think a counsellor is a good idea.

[Wondergirl]

I wonder if taking my son to a counselor would help to see if he would talk to a stranger?? Maybe he is afraid to tell me something as he thinks he might get his dad in trouble??

Do you talk about Daddy to your son? If so, what do you say?

Your son is only three and doesn't understand complex human emotions and relationships. He may be picking up on your upset and reacting to the words you say.

Are you worried that your ex may have physically abused your son?

If anything, YOU go to a counselor to untangle some of this.

[spankie73]

Wondergirl - We don't speak of his dad except on the days he is supposed to call. I remind my son dad is calling that night and that daddy misses him. I have nothing good to say about him, so I don't say anything else about his dad.

I am not worried about physical abuse, but definitely mental. My son asked me one night after coming back from his dad's... right out of the blue... Mommy, why don't you want me? I asked him where he heard that and he said that was what daddy told him. This last two weeks in August he spent with his dad he did not want to talk to me at all, yet the previous two weeks he had him in July, my son was excited to talk to me. I am worried his dad is filling his head with false statements and untruths. Why would anyone do that to a thre year old?

He has discussed divorce issues with our son on the phone like mommy is making sure the state takes money out of dad's aycheck and that is why dad can't come see you more often. I feel he is blaming me for everything.

I hve been in counseling since he left almost a year ago. My counselor and my son's dr. think counseling for him would be a good idea. I don't know where to turn?



Tickle - It is in our divorce papers that he gets to call him twice a week. I can't refuse to let him talk to our son or he will make a ton of trouble for me. He lies to get what he wants and to make himself look like the victim, just like he told the cops I pushed him and that is why he struck me. I laughed when the officer told me this as I weigh about 150 and he is well over 350. Or like he told his father I had a court order put into place that stated he could only talk to his son once a week. I informed my former father-in-law it was a lie and he needed to ask his son to see a copy of said court order... funny how he never showed it to his dad. He is one major piece of work.

Thanks again.

[Wondergirl]

Thanks for providing additional information, spankie.

I was a home-visit counselor, so that sounds like a perfect solution to me!

[Cat1864]

Since there is another parent and divorce/custody issues involved, I would check with my lawyer to be certain the ex can't use this to cause more problems.

If your counselor and his doctor think it is a good idea to try counseling for him, then you might want to give it a try.

I would check out the counselor(s) very carefully and make certain they do not have a history of creating more problems than they help. Then talk to them yourself before you let them near your child. Also ask to have all of their interactions with your son recorded. For his protection and yours.

[tickle]

Here is some more info...there is a counseling center in my area that works with children my son's age and they will come out to our house to make it more comfortable for him. That is why I am considering doing it.

Good idea. It will be in familiar surroundings for your son which is a good way to approach this. You have l/4 of the battle, spankie, just keep on talking to us if something else comes to mind.

Tick

[spankie73]

Thank you everyone for your insightful and excellent advice. I will contact my lawyer about seeking counseling help for my son before I do it and I did plan on having them record it all, just as I have done with most of the conversations I have with him about his time with his dad since his dad is already in contempt of our court order. I am very careful with how I word questions to my son so nobody thinks I am putting ideas in his head or coercing him to say something. I just wish his dad would stop the hatred and do what is best for our son. Maybe someday he will grow up and realize our son is most important.

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH for your much needed help.

[Wondergirl]

Please let us know how things are going. We want the best for your son (and you)!

[spankie73]

Wondergirl - I promise I will. It is so nice to have a community of educated people to get answers from. I truly appreciate the time you have taken to help me more than you will ever know. Blessings to you and the others who commented.

I go see my counselor next week, so hopefully she can help me with more insight and the panic attacks I have been having.

[spankie73]

Hi everyone. So, this weekend is the first time since his dad hit me that my son sees his dad. I am taking him to my ex's dad's house tomorrow so we don't have to see each other and so he can have more time with our son. Here is my problem... he did not talk to his dad again tonight and does not seem excited to be seeing him. My son is more excited to be seeing grandpa than dad. AS much as I despise my ex, I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad, but don't want to push too hard. My counselor said my son is in a transition period, but this was going on way before his dad took him for the extended summer vac. Any ideas on how I can get him excited about it?

[Wondergirl]

Any ideas on how I can get him excited about it?

How about making a Flat Daddy out of cardboard? (Do you know about Flat Stanley?)

Or buy a Ken doll ("Daddy") and a little boy doll (your son) and make up and have adventures around the house (reading and playing with little cars and building towers with blocks, etc.)?

Of course, that means your son will have expectations about Daddy who will have to step up to the plate over the weekend and actually play with and relate to his child.

[spankie73]

Wondergirl, great ideas. Have not heard of flat Stanley, but will give it a go. I am worried that as you stated, his dad will have expectations to live up to that he never will and don't want my son to be disappointed anymore than he already is. Maybe I will talk with my ex's dad and see if he can help in any way by talking to his son about finally stepping up to the plate and being the dad he has never been. Will let you know how the weekend goes when Bubba comes back. Thanks again for all of your help.

[Wondergirl]

Will let you know how the weekend goes when Bubba comes back. Thanks again for all of your help.

Yes, please let us know.

You can use stuffed animals or dolls you may have lying around and name one Daddy and one with your son's name. The main thing is to realize your son is very visual at this age and probably loves playing with toys with an adult interacting with him and the toys. You can throw Daddy's name into conversations with him too -- "I wonder if Daddy would like these crackers we're eating" or "Daddy loves peaches" (if your son is eating peaches). Maybe add a Grandpa doll too? You can also use hand puppets (a white sock with a face drawn on) or even draw eyes, nose, and mouth on your fingertip and pretend it's Daddy or Son or Grandpa or you. I entertained my kids on long car trips by drawing faces (mad face, happy face, sad face) on our pointer fingers and having "conversations."

[AJ_Hunsucker]

Well for a three year old baby, it is quite normal. Just let him grow and he will show you how to use the phone. You will be furious about his dozen of girl friends and their phone calls. At that time, you will be posting the question "how to keep my son away from phone"

[jamiepcurtis90]

I know this is an older post, but my husband and I are in a similar situation. My husband is in Afghanistan, but calls every night and morning, and we always use skype. Our son is turning 3 in October and talks extremely well. However, most of the time he refuses to talk to his dad. Hell say little things like "hi" or "love you" but generally that's it. Sometimes he will talk for 10 min or so, but my husband has informed me that it hurts his feelings our son will not speak with him.

I do talk with our son every day about his dad, and he knows he is in afghanistan... or as our son puts it " atganstan" :) I also try to communicate the fact to my husband that our son is only two and basically has no idea what a phone is. It helps we use skype, but he wants to talk to him more... its super stressful on me as I don't want either party to feel hurt. Any suggestions?