[jdixon]

First of all, I should begin by saying I'm not one to turn to message boards for help or support, so this is new to me, but I'm not sure what else to do.

I dated a girl for almost 2 years before we had to separate for college. It was a mutual decision because both of us knew that trying to have a long distance relationship and failing at it would probably destroy our relationship. At the same time, I feel the way others here have felt, that this girl is special, the most beautiful amazing girl that I connect so perfectly perfect with. I feel like she really gets me. I keep thinking I may never meet someone that I get along with so well again. We've been physically separated before, if we went on vacation with families, summer programs, etc. Usually when I'm away from home, she'll send me videos through Facebook, she'll ask me questions, she'll communicate really well with me, and most importantly, effectively communicate how much she misses me and loves me.

I thought this would happen again now. I was wrong.

We've each been in college for a week, and things are going... differently than I expected. She goes to college in a college town with frat houses and huge football games and insane tailgate parties. Everyone parties all the time, drinking every day, going out to multiple clubs and parties every night. I go to a different kind of school, no greek life, no frat houses, no tailgates, no crazy sports events, no space for everyone to get together and party. I have a lot of time to think about this girl, she has little time to think about me. She is having more fun, doing more fun things. She doesn't call me unless I ask her to, she barely answers my texts. She says she loves me like before, but I don't feel it.
Its tough to ask for help exactly, because sometimes I think I have a solid plan. As I write this I'm texting her, and everything seems fine now. She says she'll try to be better with me because she does love me. But that could just foster resentment, which I really don't want.
Generally, I feel like crap because she's out meeting new people and having a great time. I want to her to have fun, but at the same time I feel like, neglected. She doesn't need me anymore it seems. Not right now anyway. Maybe I need to man up, but after a relationship like ours, its tough, especially because its so unexpected. I feel lonely at my school, I haven't really connected with anyone really well yet, so I miss our connection even more. She says that sometimes it feels like I'm smothering her. I feel like my feelings aren't being taken into account. She knows I miss her so much, but she makes little effort to make me feel like she still cares. I was not expecting any of this at all! Not just a few days after such a perfect relationship of 2 years. Reading my words here again, I come off like a sad little puppy. I can give her space, when my classes start I hope I won't have so much free time to think about what I've lost. Maybe when her classes start and she stops partying so much, she'll take more of an interest in what I'm doing. We say we'll make this work, but I'm almost considering just not talking to her anymore... although I don't know if I can do that. I want to be with her again someday.
I sit at my computer reading old text messages and looking at our photos while she is out getting hammered, having the time of her life.
Another issue, is now that we are separated, sometimes I get seriously stressed out when I think about what she might do with other guys. I mean, there is a great chance of her being with other men, and the thought kills me! I think in the most graphic visions possible too. Its only been a few days, but I ask her if any guys have hit on her, etc.

I've read this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-510418.html

I don't even know what I'm really asking or if I'll even get any responses. Maybe this post is too long. What do you guys think of all this? What should I be thinking/doing? I am usually the one giving the advice, but I am just so confused. It's not easy to just move on, because it's not like we broke up for any reason that had to do with our relationship.

[Wondergirl]

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, we've read similar stories all too often, as you can see from the various threads on this site. And most of us have lived through our own break-ups and survived to help others.

You two did break up before college. That gave her a green light to enjoy campus (and off-campus) life. Once your school gets moving forward, you will become busy with classes and homework and tests -- and be meeting people and making friends.

[Just Looking]

This reminds me of my situation when I went away to college. Just briefly so you can see the similarities, I had dated my high school boyfriend for 3 years. We got along really well, but we also broke up before college for the same reasons you did. We were both top students, but looking for different types of colleges. I went to a large college in Los Angeles that sounds like the same atmosphere as your ex-girlfriend's college. He went to a school in a different state known for its great education, but there wasn't a Greek system or much in the way of extra-curricular activities.

I think one thing we did right was to not keep in contact. Sure that was tough, but we wanted to make the most of our experiences and didn't want to stifle each other's growth. The school I went to was very competitive, so I did have to work hard to do well. However, I also had a very active social life. I wouldn't expect her to slow down a lot once school starts. Personally, I don't think she should either. It's all part of the experience. Since the two of you made the decision to break up, you really have to put it out of your mind what she may be doing. The way to do that is to make the most of your experience. Are you making friends? Are you active? There's nothing to stop you from getting a head start on your school work. Are you sleeping well and eating right? Are you finding ways to get rid of your anxiety – maybe sports? You are responsible for your own happiness. One of the worst things you could do would be to try to make her feel responsible or guilty. She'll just resent you.

You are both going to change a lot over the next 10 years. I think you will find that your priorities will change quite a bit, and that includes what you look for in a girlfriend. I think your best bet would be to realize this was a special relationship but it's time to move on. Take what you have learned into your future relationships. Don't worry about whether you will find a girl who is as beautiful and amazing. You will when you are ready. This was a good relationship, but the timing was wrong. You will likely have several girlfriends before you find the right girl and at the right time.

[talaniman]

You broke up for college and you are still thinking of her as YOUR girlfriend. She isn't, so stop depending and expecting her to fill the gaps of your new life. That's your responsibility now, as you get the full effects of a break up. You miss those old times and the support of an emotional attachment you had before.

Really simple, she has things to distract her, that she is enjoying without you, and YOU don't. That where you change your focus from her, and what she is doing, to yourself. Look around guy, and get into building a life that you enjoy without her, with friends and activities that make you happy. Embrace it, and go for it and you may be surprised at the options, and opportunities you have right where you are. See this as a challenge, an obstacle to be overcome, and get a plan to meet the challenge. Above all, let go of the past, and look ahead, not back.

That's what life is all about, what you can do with the opportunities that you see, and make for yourself. Just get busy and work with what you have, not worry about what you miss.

Here comes the hard part, leave her alone to get your own self together and not get caught up in the misery of missing those old feelings that get stirred up every time you contact her, no matter how small that contact is. Now I admit, that's probably the hardest thing you can do for yourself, ever in life. But for now, it's the best thing you can do for YOU.

[vanheart]

Go NC. Today.

Sounds like you are reliving the past. Dangerous ground. Like Tal said "you are still thinking of her as YOUR girlfriend. She isn't"
That's the point.

The sooner you start learning to live for you, not her, the sooner you will be happy again.

Like before you met her. But better.

I also was madly in love with a girl in college. We had everything in common. She was a year above me. She graduated, we dated long distance from Philly/NY for a year.

Then one day, she told me not to visit her. Found out later that she was sleeping w/her married co-worker.

I was devastated. I thought she was my end all.
Boy, was I wrong.

Chalk this one up to a good lesson. One of many ahead of you.

[jdixon]

Everyone so far has contributed some very very interesting pieces of insight. I've thought very hard about all of this. All of you are right, but the idea of NC is just not something I can live with right now. For now, it seems we're on the some page about many things, and these past couple days I've felt good about our situation. She doesn't want to feel restricted, and I completely understand that. She wants to get with other guys, and I know that if I had the opportunity here, I would get with other girls. But the emotional component cannot be so easily replaced, and it looks like we'll stay as close as we were before we left home. I believe there is a future for us, and I have to give her the space do what she wants if I ever want that to come to fruition.

[mmresd]

The relationship is at a break. So what you NEED to do is cut completely contact, is not a matter of whether you think you can or not, is a metter of actually doing it. Don't text, don't call, don't answer, don't do anything. Live your life because I can assure you that she is living hers. That is why she is OK with it. And whatever she may do with another guy, does not longer concern you, you two made a mutual decision of not being together, now that you have made your bed, you are going to have to sleep in it.

P.S. Also, erase all of her stuff, pictures, emails, text messages, EVERYTHING, it will help you A LOT.

[jdixon]

Can't do that mmresd. Can't do that. She's making plans to come visit me. A time may come when it'll need to happen, but I really don't think so. I'll update this again as this unfolds.

[Wondergirl]

We'll have our eyeballs glued to the monitor screen, waiting to hear from you.

[mmresd]

You CAN do it, this visit will be because she is used to hanging out with you, but that will die in a little bit, and if you get hopeful every time she comes for a little lay you will be more hurt from this in the long run, it happened to me not that long ago ;). Take a stand, and if she is deciding to break up, then let her FEEL what you are feeling by completely cuting any sort of communication with her. Also, that is the ONLY way you have ANY chance of coming back, so if you gather the courage, it is a win-win situation.

[jdixon]

After much trying, I'm at a point of NC. I made the decision last night.

Basically, she felt like we were still in a relationship, and what she wants is to FEEL single and free, but keep me as her best friend, which would mean talking every day or every few days about things happening in her life.

The problem is that I still love her and feel about her the same way I did a few months ago. So I still worry about what she is doing, and where she is, and how her day is going, and all that. I still look at my phone, waiting for her to text me, hoping that she'll be thinking of me and wanting to talk.

The problem is that, what she wants to give is just too close what I am looking for, but it isn't there, and it's almost like a constant tease of what I do want, and it keeps me in LOVE with her.

So I have explained all that, and gone NC. I almost regret it... thinking that I should have really tried her way before I decided I can't do it. But, thinking about it... I realize that's what we've been trying, and I've just been more needy than that, looking for affection she doesn't want to give.

It's unbearably sad, because what we had was so special, and the memories are just so sweet. I constantly am thinking about how happy I was with her, and how comfortable I was with her, and how wonderful it was to go to her house and just cuddle in her bed and forget the world existed.

Any thoughts?

[talaniman]

No Contact with her gives you time to deal with your feelings without them being constantly stirred up unintentionally by her efforts to keep you as a friend, in her life.

You aren't ready emotionally for that transition. Who would be?

[jdixon]

To anyone who finds this in the future:
I'm the OP here. Basically wasted all of freshman year trying to figure this out, wasted a lot of time and energy on something that never had a chance. Took a year to realize that. When I could only remember bad days and the good days seemed like a lifetime ago, it was easier to move on and go NC. But to anyone else, don't waste time like I did. It sucks, its hard, but it's the only option.

[vanheart]

To anyone who finds this in the future:
I'm the OP here. Basically wasted all of freshman year trying to figure this out, wasted a lot of time and energy on something that never had a chance. Took a year to realize that. When I could only remember bad days and the good days seemed like a lifetime ago, it was easier to move on and go NC. But to anyone else, don't waste time like I did. It sucks, its hard, but its the only option.

Thanks for coming back with that. Appreciate it. Use what you learned here in the future. But I hope that it never happens. Be glad it wasn't 2 years trying for a lost cause. NC baby.

[Oliver2011]

"but its the only option" - Bull crappies. It maybe the only option you see. It maybe the only option you choose. But rarely in life is there only one option.

You loved and you lost. We have all been there and survived. Hopefully in this experience you have learned that you cannot depend on anyone else for your happiness. Your happiness begins and ends with you and only you.

My partner is the love of my life. My partner is a huge part of my life. But my partner is not my whole life. Yeah it sucks when someone breaks up with you. But you move on and stop beating yourself up over it.

[jdixon]

""but its the only option" - Bull crappies. It maybe the only option you see. It maybe the only option you choose. But rarely in life is there only one option."

Did you read any of this post? Cut the psychobabble 'bull crappies' and pay attention. The only alternative to NC at that time would be to keep hanging around, chasing someone who didn't want to be chased, and continually being hurt. Is that what you would suggest?

There's nothing petty nor permanent about NC. It's about stepping away from something completely, long enough where you realize you don't need it to be whole -- or rather, that you are already whole with/without it.

I was basically burnt out. NC was what she needed, and its what I needed. I just had to step away, which is what all these people were trying to tell me.

[Oliver2011]

"Did you read any of this post? Cut the psychobabble 'bull crappies' and pay attention"

It always cracks me up when people ask a question and then want to control what answers they get.

Yes I read your entire lengthy post and no that wasn't your only option. You had many other options other than hanging around. Instead of self pity and the pity party you could have done many things.

Fortunately I value tennis more than answering this post so the tennis court awaits. If you don't slam me again I will get into more tomorrow. Slamming a volunteer, wow.

[talaniman]

Calm down, don't be so sensitive, you done good with what you had and that's okay it got better and will keep getting better, so and you will have more options and opportunities later.

[vanheart]

I agree. Don't diss a guy for going NC. Sometimes that is the only option.
I can attest to that. Was for me. Good on you. This isn't the end. There's lots of other girls to figure out. But now you can be more discerning. And better yourself in the process. What's up with these aggressive posters? Chill out is right.

[insidiouz]

This situation is remarkably similar to what's going on with me right now. Having all of these memories slowly fade away makes me more cynical than I already am. But, then again, there are other girls that await.

Will have to take the NC leap at some point myself.